How do you say goodbye to something you’ve been used to having for the last few years of your life? How do you just walk away from something that used to be one of the most important things to you in your life? Even if you knew it had an expiration date.
How can you manage to feel at peace knowing someone else took your place and you might not be missed at all, even if you know with you it’s exactly the same. You don’t miss much, you are happier than you’ve been all these years before.
Maybe you realized that you were on the run. Maybe spending time with that person felt like a holiday, putting a halt to your own life and problems you should have dealt with sooner. And maybe that was why you felt so vulnerable around that person and so uneasy spending time in groups sometimes. Because you knew you might get to the point where you have to face said problems. You might get dragged back to all these things that are going wrong and this time you won’t be able to close your eyes and turn your back on them. Because others were starting to see them too.
Maybe you used this person as a refreshing safe haven. And as long as you could forget everything was fine. But going back to your own life once in a while, you realized nothing really changed. Just the date. Just the month. Just the year. You were in a coma, you yourself chose.
And that’s what makes you so much happier now, so much more stable. You have faced yourself. Finally. You know what to expect. There was no place to hide anymore. Maybe you grew tired of hiding anyway and it felt good to turn and face, rather than to walk away again. Maybe this time you made the right choice, even though you had to leave something behind.
This something will always be dear to me. The things I experienced while feeling comatose will always mean a lot to me. And maybe it’s not a goodbye forever. For now I am happy with my life, even though I realize there are things I wish I could get back. That doesn’t make me weak. It just teaches me that even though running from my life wasn’t an overall good decision, the memories I gained from that time were worth it.
I am fixing it now, savouring these memories, learning from them.
I’ve gotten stronger. And one day I will feel at peace with myself and the way we ended, no matter what end that may be.
Thanks for reading and take care.
– Signed A
P.S. Reading through this again. I am relieved to have figured it out.
Bottled up tight 