Winter is coming. But first there’s autumn

So summer’s over. The time has come to get out my warm clothes again, freeze to death in the morning just to sweat on the train because the heating is too damn warm and I don’t see a point in taking off my coat and scarf and whatever works too keep me warm outside for an half an hour long train ride.

I knew my heart would sink a little seeing the leaves change their colors and fall from the branches… It looks beautiful in a way and I love the rustling when you walk through the fallen leaves but still… to me it feels like the world is dying around me. Like everything so strong and green and beautiful and fresh in spring is giving up to fall asleep and I would like nothing more than to follow. Falling asleep in November, waking up in March again, just in time to see the world around me revive again.

But that’s not exactly what I promised to talk about in my last post. And I know I’m late again. I’m sorry. I just didn’t know what to write. I did see a specialist for depressions and…well, at least she is said to be… I still don’t know what to make of it. It took about two hours and tbh I have no idea what happened. I suppose nothing. She made me go through a couple of tests and we talked but aside from what I told her my worries were… She didn’t even mention the possibility of depression once. She didn’t ask me about my symptoms, how I feel, just the typical questions you think she MUST be asking because clearly you can’t diagnose something you don’t even talk about. Right? I’m still confused and scared. Honestly. She told me she’d send her diagnose to my doctor but I haven’t manned up enough yet to call.

So yeah, I’m just wasting my time working my new job – which I find quite nice by the way – getting home, watching a series after the other and feeling relieved when I look at a watch and realize it’s already too late to call the doctor to ask about an appointment. I probably need one anyway since winter is coming. GOT anyone????

I’m trying to think of anything else to talk about. And I know there HAS to be lots left but really… I’m at a loss for words right now. I hope I’ll feel a little better in two weeks since I’m gonna be on holidays with said friend I talked about in my early entries. Things…kinda worked out for us. There’s still a huge question mark between us – at least there is for me – but right now it’s fine. She’s planning two weeks of surprise-birthday mini adventures (cause in November I’ll be a quarter of a century old)  including a photo shooting, a party with friends, a scavenger hunt and even a 5 day trip to another city and she’s making it all herself. She’s working hard on it, doing it all just to make me happy, wanting absolutely nothing in return, despite me asking once in a while. She’s a good friend despite all that happened. She really does want me to be happy. And it’s kinda sad that she’s working harder on that than me myself but…oh well. I’m trying, I suppose.

I’m gonna have a LOT to write about that when I get back from the trip. And hopefully I’ll have my appointment too, right? ^^” I promise I’ll give it my best shot. The autumn, the winter, the call, myself… I’ll be okay.

So, I did not forget about you. But a stressed out A doesn’t write good posts apparently. A stressed out a needs chocolate and tea and stories to keep herself from losing her mind.

I’ll update again soon – this time I’ll DO IT. Hey! Really! I’ll have news! =D

Until then, take care and have a few good days.

-signed A

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or not…?

I finally got what I wanted. Or so I thought. After that fateful day everything would be perfectly fine and I’d get some pills and I’d have something in hands that will either tell me I’m weird and a sad person or ‘congrats, you’re just a lazy f***er’. Turns out I didn’t get a sheet but let me explain from the start.

The appointment was okay. Though I can honestly say I have never ever felt that uncomfortable in my life sitting in the waiting room waiting for the doctor to call me in. I almost backed out too when I arrived at the corner of the street. For the few minutes I had to wait I felt like doomsday had finally arrived. Like sitting at the dentists waiting for a root canal treatment knowing there’s no anesthesia left for your therapy. You just know it’s gonna hurt like hell but it’s either the treament or even more pain. It was awful.

On the way there I felt shaky like I had just drunk at least 3 litres of coffee – and I have to tell you I can’t even handle a single cup without being annoying as hell to everyone around me – and my eyes were watery, my breaths short. I was so scared. I kept telling myself I would be fine. I could always see another doctor. I could always just get up and leave or tell him in the last second that I didn’t need anything really.

Turned out all my panic was unnecessary. The talk lasted for like 20 minutes but only after five minutes or so he told me I was not seeing ghosts, that it was good I was seeking help and that it was stupid of me to wait this long. I should have come earlier and when I tried to explain why I couldn’t, I felt stupid little tears running down my face. Maybe it was the relief. He took a burden away from me, I had carried for at least six to eight years and when he told me there was no chance I was just imagining it all I felt as light as I never have before. It was also awkward crying in front of him but I’m sure I wasn’t the first patient to do that and certainly not his last either.

Anyway…he couldn’t tell me what exactly was wrong with me. For that he got me another appointment with another good shrink. And now is the time to make a guess when I got it =D …….3…..2…..1….. TWO MONTHS LATER! Again. Patience is indeed a virtue. She’s gonna talk to me for a looong time and make notes and probably even test out my brain to see if it works properly. I’ll be as stressed out as I was with the first appointment – I know that for sure but at least I got what I wanted. Kind of. The Diagnose is there. Only verbally but hey, sometimes it is enough to have someone listen to you for a few minutes, just to hear it’s okay, you’re not stupid, it’s not your fault and you are very brave for getting that far.

He didn’t say it with these exact words but that’s what I interpreted. After all he got me some medication to help me start the day easier, to get more productive and tell me I shouldn’t have waited this long for treatment. To be completely honest though, I feel good enough to not take any medication right now. I do feel stressed out a lot because of work and all but the sunshine helps me get out of bed and through the day so I might wait for the in-depth diagnose and then see what I have to do to finally feel like a normal person again. I hope this is where I can get.

I also can’t believe half a year has passed already again. It feels like yesterday when I wrote that post about the new years eve party. Kinda the same thing happened two weeks ago with a birthday party btw but I might rant about that when I have time. I’m sorry for the lack of updates and my dry and not so special writing but as I said I’m pretty stressed out about work. I’ll get to that later. Just wanted to give you my diagnose since that was what I promised.

Until the next update, take good care!

– signed A

The diagnose

Hey guys!

As promised, I made a huge step forward. Finally I seeked help, tough it didn’t turn out to be as easy as I thought it would be. The doctor I was originally supposed to call only had appointments left in July when I called in April. Yeah, you read right. July. Can you believe that? I am fine right now but think of someone who desperately needs help. There’s no way they could wait for three months just to get a diagnose or something. But whatever, of course I wanted to make use of my little energy push so I got another referral before I even got the chance to wait around for another week and managed to get an appointment in the first week of June.

I feel accomplished now and excited for it but I also am a bit..anxious. Which is really weird, don’t you think? All the time I wanted to seek help and now that I finally get it I am scared of it? I got to the bottom line of my thoughts earlier last week and I feel kinda shocked about catching myself hoping to be mentally ill. Don’t get me wrong here! I would love(!!) to just feel happy and be normal again, like the cute, energetic child I used to be before all this sh*t started, but getting no diagnose would mean it was all in my head. And that it was crazy and weird for me to think, that I was ill. Even worse – it would mean all the time I felt bad and lazy and idiotic and like a loser I actually WAS lazy and idiotic and a loser. It would mean that I’m back to square one and that it really is my fault.

I’m really scared of that. So scared that I’d rather wish to be ill than perfectly okay in my head. Doesn’t that sound alarming? But I don’t want to be a loser. I don’t want to find out I was running in the  wrong direction all this time and I could have turned around everything all alone but somehow I got caught up in this theory that I’m in fact ill and need help to get better just to have an excuse of letting myself go so easily and not changing on my own. To just follow the simple route. I am no one to take the simple route only because it’s the easier way. I also know that I don’t ever want to feel as bad and hopeless as I felt this winter season and that what I felt (or rather not felt) WAS real. It’s just now that the summer is here and the next wave of depression seems to give me a little pause I hope the diagnose is gonna be accurate.

I always catch myself thinking about how I should explain what it felt like to be me for the last ten years of my life. How hard it was and how much I wanted to be done with all this and why but then I stop myself and think: It’s not your duty to make the doctor believe you or put words in his mouth that you read online somwhere. HE is the doctor. He should know what to ask so he can get an accurate picture of how bad it really is, even though right now I feel a little better. He should know depression comes in waves. And I only need to remember what a horror those few months were for me and tell him when he asks about it.

I told no one about my appointment. Don’t know what I’ll tell my parents where I am. Probably out with some friend or something… I want to get the facts straight just in case it really happened all in my head. I know that’s not true. I know how being depressed feels like. I know I am in the middle of it. I just really hope my doctor will know just as good as I do after our talk.

In two weeks I’ll be back with my diagnose and hopefully a way out of my situation. When I get better I hope I’ll finally be able to write about some random things on here too. The blog really needs to be lightened up a bit. But first things first. Please wish me the best of luck.

Until then…take care!

– signed A

 

PS: Oh and in case you’re wondering…my eyes are fine! I don’t need glasses anymore and I enjoy my new freedom a lot =)

Good news! 2x

So I finally did it.

No, I didn’t call someone. Not yet. But(!) I managed to tell my doctor I might need to get a diagnose and he gave me a referral to a specialist whom I – once again – need to call. Yeah I know… But hey! This time I only have four weeks to do it, since my referral is dated. I just want to do it when nobody’s home. Tomorrow most likely.

I’ll get an appointment and keep telling myself after this appointment everything is gonna be alright. I know it will not. Stuff doesn’t just magically disappear once you’ve got to talk about it but I’m still sure the diagnose is at least gonna help me fix my remorse somehow.

Also I felt better the last few days. A little more energized – far from what I want to feel but I managed to write a little, meet up with friends, to get out more AND to finally getting my eyes lasered. I was stuck with contacts an glasses for such a long time now, I completely forgot how good it feels to be able to read EVERYTHING with my own eyes. Almost two weeks have passed now since I had the operation and it seemed to have worked pretty good. I look damn awful without glasses and no makeup on though. Makes me wonder if it was worth the money X) Just kidding, I know it was.

Maybe that’s the exact reason I feel a little better. Because I felt like a huge weight has been lifted off me – regardless on how ugly I feel without glasses, because duh I have never seen my reflection without it cearly in the mirror – and something actually worked in my life. Something happened and it was good and I was the one setting it up.I DID something, mostly on my own. (with the help of my mum who needed to pick me up afterwards and the doctors and stuff but who cares? It was my wish.) Also people cared. They wanted to know how I was, how the procedure felt, how I felt now. People cared. It’s a nice feeling. Having something to talk about, knowing somebody is interested. I know my head is seeing ghosts, that people cared about me before too. And I could see that, it was just not that obvious and sometimes obvious things are the ones that satisfy you the most.

I promise to keep you guys updated. Especially after the call tomorrow and the diagnose and stuff… I wanted to write sooner anyway but I couldn’t because my eyes were sore. Feeling better now though =) Today life is beautiful. I wonder if I just couldn’t see it before.

Promise to update soon, until then take good care!

– signed A

the time of my life

Hi,

man, keeping up with this blog is hard. I can’t believe my last entry was written over a month ago but I guess I have been busy with enjoying the sun or keeping my emotions and foul thoughts in check. As you can probably guess, I still have not contacted anyone. Spring is making things easier for me even though it’s still a struggle getting myself out of bed in the morning, to work and then being productive over the rest of the day. Or at least productive for some time of the day… But yeah, work is okay. I finally feel competent and theres only few customers I don’t get along with – which tbh is not my fault. Most of them call to get their anger out of them and I’m just the poor worker receiving their calls. But that’s things I’m just brushing off. Other than that it’s fine.

Something else happened though. On March the 17th my grandad died. I was at work when I received a message from my dad who was at the hospital with him. I can’t exactly describe how I felt but if I had to I would say I felt detached from my own body in some weird, twisted way. Like a plastic doll, just breathing and moving, but not actually feeling anything. I saw the message on my phone and didn’t dare touch it for the next three hours because I didn’t want the message to pop up again. As long as it wasn’t open it was not true. But eventually I had to face it. After a ten minutepause I went back to work like nothing happened. And there was nothing I could do. He was already gone and my life would continue and to be honest I felt really bad for not wanting my life. For thinking about stopping to exist so often that it’s hard to get anything done at all. My grandad had just stopped existing and everybody already missed him. He had a good life, had a clear mind until his death and even went shopping and got coupons just a day before he got to the hospital. He deserved to stop existing as soon as he wanted it just as much as he deserved to live for as long as he wanted. And there I am with mere 24 years and counting but not wanting to count anymore. What’s wrong with me? Something HAS to be wrong.

I’m doing fine for the moment. The way my dad talked about what happened in the hospital, I have a feeling like my grandad was okay with leaving. So though I’m sad, I’m fine knowing this. It makes me feel better, comforts me… And it also makes me see that I cannot, will not give up on life. Not that I really planned on stopping but it’s good to get a little push once in a while. 24 years and counting. I have to keep going just to see where life takes me. Because I should want to live and enjoy life. Because I love sunshine and the energetic feeling I have when I step outside of my workplace after my shift is over. Because of good books, tea, fandoms and movies, finding new friends, karaoke, chocolate milk and most of all because of my family. Moaning someone you love takes so much time and energy even when we already knew it was about time to say goodbye. I can’t imagine my family having to say goodbye to me. I will not let that happen. They mean too much to me for that.

So that’s it for now. Enjoy life while you can. You never know when it will be over.

Until next time, take care…

– signed A

Life as a race

Hey there,

sorry for the long pause. There are so many things that have happened up to this point that I don’t even know what to begin with. First off, I guess, work is fine. It’s really hard getting up early. I tend to let my alarm clock ring ten minutes before I actually have to get up because I need said minutes to persuade myself to do so. Without this time just sitting around in bed feeling miserable in general I’d probably just be late for work all the time or have to run to catch my train. And if there’s one thing I absolutely disgust it’s having to hurry. Especially if days start miserable. And they do start that way. It doesn’t help that it’s still dark most of the days either…

I had to learn a lot for work but it gets better everyday now and time… well, it doesn’t exactly fly by but let’s just say – whenever I look at the clock it shows a different minute or hour and that’s nice. People are kind too so I just need to get the hang of the work flow now. But as I said – it’s getting better. Maybe it will even help with my self-esteem a little, talking to many people and knowing stuff and all that. I certainly hope so.

There has been another incident with my friend too which included me driving to her house like a madman and a few more things but I don’t really wanna get into detail with this. It was ugly. It was ugly enough for me to have a literal breakdown at work the next day – so like the 9th workday – which was very convenient of course but I managed to pull through and get some rest on the weekend. Also my boss was very kind to me that day so I guess that’s another plus for my work, right?

Most of the time, when I’m home I’m either sleeping or dowsing off or watching stuff because I’m always really tired and emotionally strained and exhausted and I hate it. I want to be productive. I don’t want to waste my time like that but I have a feeling that this is not gonna end with me getting used to working on weekdays.

I know I need more sunlight in my life, more people that give me a good vibe without me feeling guilty about it. I need more hope and confidence that future holds great things for me in store. That I can actually be someone – or if not someone for the world then at least the person I want to become. I don’t want to waste my time. The thing with my condition is, that I feel how I’m getting older. Time is running through my hands right now and I don’t have the energy to get a grip on it. I know it’s all my fault. It is my decision to not call anyone and seek help. And I make it everyday. And there is not a day that passes, on which I don’t sincerely think about it.  But somehow I always don’t. Just like I always don’t do anything else that’s productive or would help me reach for my goals in life. I can’t because existing is taking all my energy away so there seems to be nothing left for anything else.

I have so many passions and hobbies but just in theory because that’s what depression does. It brings you to a point where you can only say ‘I used to love to do that!’ instead of ‘Oh, I do it all the time.’ and actually getting better at it. Even when you have the time for it, it just never happens. So all the things I started or started to be kinda good at or have potential are…on hold. I feel like so much has been taken from me… And I would love to say that this makes me sad but in fact, I feel nothing. Hope is lost on me. Also when I go to work. I feel like a robot barely moving, just making the necessary steps to get where I need to function for 3 to 5 hours a day and then go home again. Is this how my life is gonna be for the next two years? I should have done something about this ages ago… And it still is a mystery to me how I can know all this but still not take action. Maybe I’m already in too deep.

At least today I treated myself to a delicious meal and I managed to write 2000 words on a story I want to publish one day. Makes like 10 000 words total…I’ll need far more than that though and there are so many things I want to do and experience. But most of all I don’t want to feel left out or left alone when I hear about someones success or step in the right direction. It hurts whenever I hear something though i might have the exact same chances. It’s just I don’t know how to use them. But that shouldn’t even bother me. Life is not a race. And even if it is – nobody, really nobody walks the same way I do. And I’m certain many would have failed to even get as far as I got for the moment. I’m still fighting my way through. I try not to hurt too much, to get over my exhaustion and one day I really might call someone for help.

i know this has been a very depressing post. I’m sorry guys. I just…don’t feel too well these days. But I’ll make it through. Just as I somehow always do. Until next time…

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A

The new years eve desaster

So I’m back. New year was alright. If you don’t consider the fact that I went to a party I wasn’t even sure whether I wanted to attend it and a good friend cancelled on. Later when I was on my way there – still thinking about changing plans – the host (who was my best friend. You know, the one I’m not sure what to do about) told me almost everyone cancelled. Let me explain. She invited at least ten people. Ten. Some weren’t sure about their plans (some might not even be sure about them even after New Year but whatever…) and said they’d tell her later. Some – and I’m talking about a total of seven people – gave their word they’d come. Well guess what? They didn’t. We ended up a total of three people with one of them being the host.

THREE. I mean…are you kidding me? Is that socially acceptable? Like, you know… It’s not like they cancelled three days ago or a week before the party. No – most of them cancelled the exact same day the party was hosted. One of them didn’t even write until one hour after the party had started. What the hell?? Do they even know how much effort you put in a party making sure everyone is about to have a good time? My friend had bought food (and I’m talking LOTS of food here!), drinks, she tried to make out a place where we could all watch the fireworks together and even bought some games for us to play and have fun with until it was time to leave. She’d made a real effort here and then everyone cancelled and now she’s sitting on all the stuff she bought because most of it was already in bowls and whatnot or just nothing she could return by any chance. It’s just not fair.

I was really angry with them (even though I only know one person who cancelled and I have to say this one had a really good reason for it). I mean they already accepted the offer. And when you accept an offer you don’t just pull back because it’s more convenient with you five hours later. Seriously. You can’t buy a car, bring it back ten hours later just because you found a better one or it just so happens that you kinda don’t want a new car anymore. It just doesn’t work that way. Also the people who said they weren’t sure if they wanted to come. When are you gonna tell me?? Three hours before the party starts? Should I buy you food and get an extra chair or anything?? What’s the problem these days with just saying yes or no to something and then having either an effing good reason to chance plans or attending no matter what. “I kinda don’t feel motivated even though you care and I already said yes” isn’t gonna cut it! Saying nothing at all when you said you’d think about it and tell later isn’t gonna cut it either! It’s not only impolite, it hurts. Somehow you start to think you’re not good enough or liked enough. Like nobody cares even though you do. And that’s a horrible feeling. I know!

But these days it really seems to become a big problem… When older people tell me they made plans, somehow it always works out so that everyone comes and this reaches back to when they were as young as I am now. Today you can’t even make a chilled homeparty because you never know how many people will come even if they already promised to. It makes me sad… It made me sad on New Years Eve too. But mostly I was angry.

And yeah.. I know I was thinking about cancelling too… Before you ask – yes, I do feel bad for that and I’m not gonna pull myself out of this one with a simple “but I have a sick mind. I can do that.” or “but our relationship is really difficult right now.” Yeah it is. But consider that before you say yes. There was just one point where I told her I might not be able to come and that was because I was sick one day before the party and as you know I had to start work two days later. Cancelling would have been legit. Although somehow I knew I wouldn’t really do that. I was playing with the thought but what drove me out of my house was exactly the point I’m trying to make here. Don’t just cancel plans with friends. It might just seem like a homeparty with many people where you don’t matter. But most likely you matter to the host and planning a party and nobody actually attending it is really harsh on everyone. Also not feeling important enough to get an answer, an apology or having to wait for a direct answer until the party actually starts. I don’t know why so many people do it. I know why I feel like doing it sometimes and I feel bad every single time. But in the end being vague makes everything complicated and certainly doesn’t maintain trust.

So next time you’re invited to something…think about it first and then make sure to either go, say no as soon as possible (which is also no problem if told soon enough!) or try to make it up to them somehow. but please don’t think nobody cares and nobody gets hurt. That’s just bull**** and making it easy on yourself. It’s something I have to consider too… I just realized that day that I’m far from perfect.

Everything else – jobwise and what really happened after the fireworks…that’s a completely different story. I promise I’ll update soon, I just had to get that out of here. So until then…

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A