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Rambling on…

Hi.

It all started almost three weeks ago when I was actually pretty happy about how things turned out. Sure there were some problems but nothing that you couldn’t surpress thinking about. But then something happened and chaos started all over. I think I’ve been suffering from depression since I was forteen years old and surely sometimes in the last ten years I had a feeling of not being able to continue. I did anyway.

See, the thing with depression is – as I’ve been reading on one of my favorite blogs on the interenet – you don’t necessarily want to kill yourself. You just want to be left alone, for time and the world and everyone else to forget about you so that you can kinda just…stay where you are not doing anything. So you’ll be able to fade away. Stop existing.

I’ve been at this point more times in my life than I can count and I guarantee you: I can count pretty high. It tires me and wears me out. Today is one of these days – hence the blog. I never went to see a doctor to get my depression confirmed so there might be a slim chance I’m just a drama queen who is sleepy all the time, has super low self esteem, feels the need to cry every so often without good reason and makes a big fuss out of everything while being extremely lazy and not feeling real happiness like…ever. Would be a lot of coincidences, am I right?

This time though, I’m really considering seeing someone. A diagnose should help me focus on finally getting better and most of all  being okay with not feeling okay or productive for a period of time. I want to know it’s not my fault. I want to be proud of what I accomplished regardless of being mentally ill. I want to be able to say: I’ve made it this far and look where I am now.

What bothers me the most though is how people treat you differently knowing that something’s wrong with you. Not everytime when I want to be alone, I want to hurt myself – I actually haven’t done that in years. And I mean like…9 or so. Most of the time I feel more comfortable being on my own and need to calm down, think, order my thoughts and push myself to get some strengh. But my sister freaks out everytime… She also doesn’t know how to ‘handle me’ anymore but she feels like she can’t help me (apparently because the only one who can really help me is either myself or a shrink) so she’d rather not try and live life regardless of my needs and feelings. But that’s another topic right there. One that really hurt to be honest. But I’ll get to that sooner or later.

Okay, so this is my first post. I hope to be able to upload every week. Just my thoughts, if i did something important… Just to have something to get back to once in a while. If you experience similar things, feel free to contact. I am sure only somebody who actually lived through mental illnesses understands what it actually feels like. If you want to know who I am, please read About.

Also I kinda like the picture so i might just leave it here.

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A

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A sad excuse

Why is it so hard to tell the truth? To just tell people about how you feel and what motivates you, what you care and wish for. What hurt you the most… Why do people always try to hide who they really are, leaving their skeletons in their closets, hoping no one would ever gonna open it up and see them. And if somebody asks, if someone really cares to know… why can we not just accept our faults and lay them open. Why is it so hard to make yourself vulnerable?

The fact, that nobody knows about it doesn’t change how hurt or vulnerable you really are. It just makes things so much more difficult. You take so much effort in trying to hide things or feelings that might –  in the end – not even be that weird or difficult to understand in the first place. Still you hide them with such intense passion, leaving you exhausted and forced to lie just to keep your façade still intact. You build a construct full of lies just to make people see that you, you are invulnerable. That you don’t care what others do or say, that you are healthy and have no skeletons – probably not even closets to hide them in.

I don’t know what to think anymore. Neither do I know what to do and what to say. My last few days consisted of straight nothingness with occasional thoughts and guilt about how much time I actually had to fix my life or do something productive. But next week my life’s gonna start again. Full time. I’ll be at work again. I should muster up my energy and take hold of the time I still have. I can’t though. Somethings always holding me back…

I’m tired… So tired… Always needing to be strong for someone else… What about me though? Am I losing myself in this? Am I already gone? Where does life take me?

Soon enough I’ll need an answer to this question. I don’t want to die. But doing what I’m doing now… I don’t think I actually have a good enough excuse to live either…

I need a change of pace. I need energy and passion. But where do I get it from? I obviously am no longer capable of “living life to the fullest” though my parents would be devastated to hear that. Sometimes I feel far too lost, far too ridiculous, far too lazy, too quiet, too stupid, too unimportant. Pack these things all up and you’ll get me in a nutshell. Or maybe it’s just this voice inside my head that keeps telling me lies about myself and everyone else. I wish I could drown it out. Then again I wish for many things.

I seriously need to get myself up. I need to do something, to prove myself whatever makes me feel better. I suppose I will try. Maybe I will fail but the attempt might be more than enough and perhaps something amazing will come out of it.

Wish me luck.

– signed A

The fault in being mediocre

Hello guys!

These thoughts I’m going to write down now are running through my head regularly but the last few weeks had some pretty hard experiences for me in store that made me realize I’m not ready to keep my head up high reguarding this topic.

Nobody ever wants to feel mediocre, right? Everyone wants to be cheerished and mean something to the world around him. As do I. I especially feel like I need this since I’m so often in self-doubt it hurts to look at myself sometimes… After all I am 25, haven’t done much in my life. I might be good at some things but everything I do, I never manage to be better than mediocre. More often than not I hate the stuff I create and when I actually do manage to produce something I might be proud of for a little while someone else comes right around the corner and the world cheers for the exact same effort or creation just made so much better. So much more noticeable. It doesn’t matter whether I can sing or not. The person right next to me is bound to be complimented before anyone cares to listen to my song.

I thought I came to terms with this quite some time ago but apparently I haven’t. The world seems to neglect me and the people around me do such a great job following in it’s footsteps. Everyone else seems so much more important. At some point everyone seems to forget about me. I’m always too quiet, too stern, too timid. I should be louder, should be more careless. I should be brave. I know they don’t notice. I know they don’t mean it that way. It just happens. And in the end I always seem to think it is my own fault. Being mediocre AND introverted never is a good mix. It hurts to write about it but I need to get this out of my head.

The last setback I received happened this saturday at a barbeque I already didn’t know whether I wanted to attend it or not anyway. The one before that was on thursday. In german we would call this: Geballte Ladung. But anyway…I don’t think anyone noticed what was wrong with me. Nobody guessed it anyway but the thought is so present and so hurtful I don’t know how long I can keep this all inside.

I yearn to mean something to the world around me. I want to give something to the people and get a little something back in return. I want to feel important and worth something. To be noticed. I yearn to get cheerished once in my life before somebody else does. I don’t always want to hear the half meant attachement “Oh and you were great too” anymore. It hurts too much to listen to it. It hurts that nobody actually sees the hurt beneath my mask either, when something like this happens.

But all I do is good for nothing. It’s not missed, it’s not something worth waiting for, even if I tell someone about it. When was the last time somebody really asked me how I felt? And meant the question, awaited an honest answer? When was the last time I was standing in the middle of the crowd if only for one minute and nobody else took away their attention from me? When was the last time I spoke up about this?

It’s like I have given up even if I try hard not to… But even if I try…there’s always something getting in my way. Not necessarily my depression but other more unpredictable matters. I don’t have anything worth to show to the world. I don’t seem to have a place, I don’t seem to have a plan and nobody would care to see either of it. I know they say there’s always someone who’s bound to be better than you are but why must they always be someone I’m close to, I’m bound to collide with. My sister, my best friend, my colleague at work…

The world always tells you to be nice to people, to patronize and be happy for these people because everything else would be selfish and childish and not everything revolves around you. Yes. In fact, nothing revolves around me. And I do feel happy for them in some way. It’s just that it hurts too, see them succeeding in something I love and not just because they worked for it. After all I’m the one standing in the back, trying hard to get to the front once in a while just for a split second. I am the one who feels like every move and effort is in vain even if you put all your heart into it because somebody will always snatch the laurels from me. I know not everything revolves around me. I don’t want the whole world to notice me. I just want the people I like to see my efforts and cheerish my talents for what they are. I want them to see and listen when I have something to show or to tell. Not to be talked over. Not to stand in the shadows. Is that too much to ask?

It’s funny somehow. I kind of feel like Salieri in the movie Amadeus. You want so much to be noticed, not only to receive but to give but nobody cares enough to see. And it hurts even more if someone comes along and with such grace and as casual as possible shows you how it’s done properly and even though you try so hard… Nobody appreciates you and your efforts. As if you never mattered in the first place. I really try so hard to be seen. It’s just hard to keep going when you know nothings gonna change anytime soon…

There is so much more to be said about this but for now this is all I can write. I might come back to this topic soon though. I feel like summer is gonna be full of situations that make me feel this way.

Until then…take care.

– signed A

Whatever‘s left

Before you ask: Yes, I’m still lurking around in this bottomless pit. ‘Maybe though’, I said to myself, ‘Maybe my plastic life – the one that I’m living right now – is not gonna stop me from doing something productive at least today.’ So far so good: A new post is in the making. Although I am not really sure what the writing process will bring.

If you care to know about what happened between me and my friend then I am sad to say we have talked and have not come to a convenient, fulfilling answer. Or at least I haven’t. It’s still weird and I’m still wondering what to do about it. The only difference now is, that she knows I find it weird. Currently – or rather would it not be for my post – we would be talking about it again and I am still trying to find out whether I am just too sensitive to everything right now. To be honest though, I always thought I knew what was going on around me (mostly my friends, not everyone else) and I’d be really pissed to find out, this time my mind played a trick on me because “HAHAHA all the old stuff is, well…getting old!”

I just feel the need to not be as close to her as I used to be. I should never be closer to a person than the person is to me – if this sentence actually makes any sense… It makes me uncomfortable. Vulnerable. Last time I was too stupid, too slow, to see my best friend found other things and people to attend to and I was benched. As soon as I found out and turned my back on her she regretted it but it was already too late to change. Let’s just say: It hurt a goddamn lot. Imagine a harvester running over your everything. Twice. I told myself I was strong back then. I tended to my wounds and helped myself up. I also swore to myself that this would never ever happen again this way. I would be the one to let go first, if necessary. When it’s your own decision you can at least prepare yourself for the pain.

Regarding my down I reached recently… It’s not gone yet. I had some really hard days where pulling through was all I could do. A good friend of mine was there for me on Saturday evening and it got really late. We ate strawberries, talked a whole lot, drank some wine… Today was/is a hard day. I honestly hope life gets easier again in a few days – hopefully tomorrow? (Pretty please???) And finally I would know what to think of that situation with my friend… Maybe, just maybe in order for me to grow up, I need to say goodbye to this friendship. After all, this is the only reason I feel like acting like a child sometimes… We’ll see what happens next.

So yeah… changing subject: I was also thinking about putting some of my…supercute drawings on my blog. Before you ask: No, I can not draw and the ‘supercute’ was more of a sarcastic element in this sentence. I really thought about it though. Not just drawings but some that fit to the story. My favorite blog on the internet does this all the time and I feel like it could be a nice addition. I might just try it out next time. As for this time: I am unprepared. But I also really want this to be a fix thing now. I’ll try to be posting once every other week at least and give a little update or talk about whatever I consider fitting haha. Or you just let me know what you want to know or care to hear me talk or rant about =) I’d be honored to fulfill some requests.

Until my next post…take care!

– signed A

This is not a happy post

So I’m really sorry about you having to read something depressing again but I feel the need to express myself right now and the sole purpose for this blog initially was, well, to be able to express myself.

I’m just gonna say it: I had a breakdown. A real one with every nonexistent emotion you could possibly have. Like…the nonexistent self hatred. Nonexistent frustration, nonexistent sadness, disorientation, weirdness, confusion, desperation, anger… And over all of course the nonexistent madness that comes with it all. I was crying so hard, I couldn’t stop the tears while wondering why the only thing I REALLY felt was emptiness. It was more like…thoughts I had that should have triggered all these emotions but didn’t or at least triggered them in such a soft fashion that they might have never existed at all. And my body just reacted to it with tears and swollen eyes because apparently that’s what it remembers happening years and years ago in what feels like another life. Back then when I still COULD feel sadness and anger and confusion. When emotions were real. Even to me they felt real.

So yeah…now? Not so much anymore. I don’t feel. I know what I should feel when I think about certain stuff but it just…mostly doesn’t happen. Right now while writing this I actually yearn for something to make me feel alive again but everything seems so exhausting and there is nothing I really WANT. Of course not. How can you want something if you don’t feel? Nothing makes you happy, there’s nothing you really care about, nothing makes you feel cosy or content or really proud… You don’t have plans for things because making plans and seeing them through needs commitment and you don’t have that when you don’t care.  The only thing you think about is ‘how much time is it gonna take?’ because really…you don’t have enough time for merely existing and that either gets in the way of your social life because you start avoiding people, or said social life exhausts you so much you don’t exactly know what to do with yourself anymore after a substantial amout of time.

And that – everyone – is the reason for my breakdown today. Well, at least some of it. I won’t tell you what triggered it. I won’t tell you what kind of thoughts I had. Let me just tell you – it was a really serious, dark place. What’s funny is – this just came to my mind right now – that people who asked me if I was feeling well, or how life was going actually never got an honest answer for quite a while now. I’m not quite sure if in my mind I was subconsciously waiting for the next throwback or if it was just me not realizing that I already was in a weird two steps forward, one step back-position and telling them nothing in particular felt better than saying something like ‘Oh yeah, I can’t complain because frankly me and my brain don’t feel enough emotions to actually care.’ Although I honestly wonder how people would react to this. I might just try this someday…

Anyway…the best way to explain is probably this: Imagine a soft rubber substance. You kinda can see through but whenever you try to cut it it just falls back in place leaving no space for you to get to the insides. And now imagine all your thoughts, nerves, feelings, emotions…EVERYTHING to be these exact insides. You know it’s all there, you just can’t get to it and to be honest…even that doesn’t make you feel sad. Only confused. Or well…you know you should feel confused. But if you think about it a little harder, go a little deeper you realize that in the end, you don’t really care about that either.

Life in plastic. Not so fantastic. Yeah…a plastic life. Not real. Intangible. Useless. I was thinking hard before I started writing this post, trying to remember the last time I really WANTED something. Like…not the little things. I know for example this saturday I craved this chocolate milk I had seen earlier while buying groceries. And I also remember disappointment stirring in me when I couldn’t find it in the super market anymore. But that’s not what I mean. I mean big things. Things to DO. Things that take something in order to give something cooler back. Like creating a memory. Being creative. Meeting up… There are a few occaions when I think ‘well, I could do this. There’s a little part of me that would like to do this exact stuff now’ or ‘hey, let’s be sociable – you have so much spare time to spend.’ but nope. Most of the time I don’t do it and when I do I don’t look forward to it. It’s just so exhausting. Do I enjoy myself in those moments, like, when they are actually here? It depends. I can’t tell you though, that thinking back I remember joy or satisfaction. I try to grab the feeling through the rubber substance and break through the plastic life I live in but there’s still a difference between TELLING yourself to feel something and actually feeling it without having to grasp for it in the first place.

Maybe I give up too early? Maybe this is all my fault? Maybe I deserve all the bad feelings I feel like I should have and all the allegations are justified. You see…I’m confused and insecure. My ill mind hit me hard today. Came in like a wrecking ball and I didn’t even see it coming.

Wow – three references to songs and movies tied in a really serious post…. At least I haven’t lost my humor. Or maybe this is the madness showing, I wanted to talk about earlier. Tears kept coming but soon after I laughed like I had just heard the funniest joke there is to be heard. I still don’t know why I laughed. The situation certainly wasn’t funny but I guess you take what you can get, right? Maybe at that point my body realized it’s mistake and wanted to make up for it with laughter. Be it as it may… Now an hour after the start of a really hard time I feel better now. Still empty and weird but better. Anyway…I wish you guys the very best of luck and a good time and FEELINGS as many as you can take! I promise you – you will miss then when they’re gone. (4rth reference I suppose… Nobody can tell me I wasn’t creative with this at least.)

Okay, enough joking around. I’ll keep you updated. Until then…take good care!

-signed A

I think I’ve seen a ghost

Apparently the long pause of text messages between my friend and me has not been the beginning of a new era. Or maybe it has but on Sunday it didn’t really seem like that big of a deal to me anymore – at least not overall. So I decided to send her a pic I had promised to send her before. Just the pic without any text. She wrote back almost immediately and we talked a little more after that. It felt okay.

Then, yesterday at work she wrote me in chat – yeah we do have a chat function which is very cool if you have secret stuff you want to talk about – if everything was fine and we basically sorted it out. Kind of. Look, I know I am a weird, twisted person and her words were reassuring but I still feel like I need to step back a bit. She told me about how she thought about all our fights and that she probably wanted too much. It was really funny to read because she expressed the exact same thoughts I did, when I was writing my last post. You know…all the ‘you’re gonna push the person you love away and stuff’. Go read it, if you haven’t already. For a moment I honestly thought she read my entry but then there is absolutely no way since I have never ever told her the name or anything else connected to this blog. She knows it exists and that it’s a lot about my condition and stuff but that’s all. Has she found it? Probably not. Hopefully not haha. God, I really hope not…

Well, I digress. For years and years we were having the same discussions over and over again. Me wanting more alone time, me wanting to decide whether I write back the moment I get the message. Me wanting to go out with people and not having to tell her, when I do so. Me wanting to have some privacy and not tell her every little thing that happens or ever happened in my life. She always felt hurt about that. I wasn’t allowed to keep secrets of the past. Me refusing to give her every part of me was a huge problem but I was not able to do it. And to be completely honest, I didn’t want to either.

You see…the problem with a person you love so much, but who is loved by others much more than yourself almost all the time is that you are bound to feel jealous at some point. Even though you hate yourself for it. You start to feel not good enough. You keep looking at that person you love so much and start to feel hate and guilt at the same time because she is oh so perfect and everyone sees her and likes her so much more. How cool she is and her hobbies are so special and OH! You see how stunning she looks?! She’s better at everything, makes people laugh, gets invitations to every party. Luck follows her around wherever she goes and just to cut a little deeper, she is diligent too, getting much more stuff done than you ever could.

She seems to beat you in every effing section in life, be it creativity, social matters, luck, work, the list goes on and the worst part is that none of this is really her fault. It hurts to see this but I also know I can’t blame her for being liked. Don’t get me wrong. There definitely ARE people around here that like me too, I just need a little more time to come out of my shell and unfortunately society doesn’t grant you said needed time. They go for whoever fits first and I am sad to say, it is always her. You get home after what was supposed to be a really fun night out and all you can think of is ‘why is she so much more successful than you are? Am I not loveable enough?’ You push back the tears and the frustration and need to remind yourself every minute that ‘No, it is not your best friends fault.’ Neither is it yours. That’s just how things are. It still hurts though…

To be exact here… I NEVER blamed this on her. i never even said this to her face but I cannot say, that she has never felt my sadness about this in other ways. Most of the time I just give up, go quiet and distance myself a little to try picking myself up again. Now just imagine being confronted by this five days a week, if not 24/7. Every time you do something together. You go out, you go shopping, you meet up with friends… This voice in my head that keeps telling me I can’t ever reach this height is always present. Sometimes it whispers. Sometimes it screams into my ears. But it is always there, never silent.

I always thought to myself when we had these said discussions, that at least I can see her own faults now. I know she has some and they show themselves once in a while. At least SHE loved me more than anyone else. SHE thought I could do stuff better. SHE didn’t care about other peoples attention, as long as she had mine. SHE thought i was beautiful and yeah, to me that mattered a lot. The person who is so much more loved by others, loved me above everyone else. It gave me a little comfort. Only that yesterday she told me, that now she finally understood what I meant. That I was right all along, when I said, I need my own space, that she will just brush it off, if for some reason i would not write back for a few hours for whatever reasons. She doesn’t care whether I go out with friends and not tell her. Sure, she would like to know but it’s fine if it just doesn’t come up.

Sounds awesome right? I got what I always wanted. Part of me is happy about it – also because I know how hard it sometimes was for her. So yeah. It is awesome. Only that…the change felt so sudden. Not only that, I feel like she is slipping away from me. She told me that was absolutely not the case but after all she was the one who basically kicked me out two weeks prior in a nice way because she had some plans with her dad working in the apartment. She also didn’t seem too excited when I asked her if she wanted me to stay a day longer at her home last thursday. Also we used to write a whole lot in the evenings over text message. Now as soon as the evening starts I can be happy about what? 5 messages? She doesn’t ask me to come over, she stopped asking me about my day… Everything just…stopped or changed. Don’t get me wrong now, I am happy for her if she feels better now but I cannot help but feel confused about all this. She tells me everything is fine. Her feelings regarding me haven’t changed but why does it feel so different then? Am I really that paranoid? Does she care to her life without me more, because she feels like that’s what she needs? She told me that’s not what it is.

I know I am doing exactly what I shouldn’t. The toxic behaviour hasn’t stopped lol. The only difference is, I never told her about me sometimes thinking exactly the same things she was. I just tended to my own projects, cared about my own life and tried exactly what I already wrote in the last entry: To remind myself that my life is beautiful and not lost without her in it. I feel like this is still the way to go for me. It might be a hard way but in the end…if this is where we’re going – and to me, even though she says nothing in her behaviour has changed, this is exactly where we’re going – then I won’t be the one fighting against it. I will grow with the challenge. I did it once before.

So yeah, I’ll just stick to my plan. Writing less, seeing her less, just getting a feeling of where she might just spring into action again. Once again I don’t think I’m seeing ghosts. Yeah I know that her change of thoughts about this is new to me and I need to get used to my newly won freedom. But that’s not all there is to it. I feel like somewhere we are drifting apart and since I learned, that you need to go quite a distance before you can drift back together, rather than trying to follow and pushing and pulling to get back where you once were, this is the way for me to go.

Please wish me luck, that all this works out fine and that soon, I’ll get behind all this. Tomorrow night at least, I’ll be home safe and sound. Unexpected, but so it will be.

That’s all folks – I need to head to bed. Until next time…take care!

– signed A

Ignore this post. It’s weird.

So I gotta be honest with you right there. I think being as close to your best friend as I am to mine is breaking someones neck in the long run. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. A week or something to be exact and as hard as I tried to find a good reason to stay as close (despite all the fun we have together) and not seeing all this end poorly hasn’t worked out for me so well.

It all started with little fights again and me not believing some things she tells me or at least me reckoning she sometimes doesn’t tell me the whole story for obvious reasons. It’s just…in the first posts I told you guys about this big fight with her and it still isn’t fully over. At least not for me. I mean yeah, we are having good times but I can’t seem to trust her fully anymore and I definitely don’t feel the need to move in with her any time soon. I think moving together would be the death of our friendship or – if not that – the death of my sanity. Other than that – and as long as we don’t talk about touchy subjects – we’re fine.

There are just some things I can’t stand. I know for a fact that some of those things make me look like a bad friend and are toxic for a relationship, being it a friendship or a real commitment. I’m trying hard to change. So far it’s not working too well. On the other hand…it’s not like it’s all my fault. She has a handful of them too and even though she claims everything is fine…I always find a reason to believe the opposite. Maybe I’m searching for them, maybe though, I am right and not seeing ghosts and everything is gonna start over again. Our friendship feels strange lately and when I told her that she just said I was overreacting and that none of what I said is actually true.

Yeah, I might be seeing ghosts. I might also be seeing the future. You see: When you want to be the most important person in someones life you’re bound to get hurt. It’s just that easy. There’s always gonne be something new and interesting and cooler to explore. And if there isn’t, you’re always gonna wonder when something new, more interesting or cooler might pass you both, leaving your friend to follow and you behind them all alone again. If you worry too much – THAT’s when you start having the time of your life. In a bad way. You start pushing the person away from you because fights are unavoidable if you want to control a persons life, even if it all happens out of fear of loss. You start driving the person away from you and panic when you discover exactly that. More and more fights are the outcome. It’s like a huge spiral of doom with no exit, no way out. Once you’re in there it’s hard to stop. Well, I’m kinda sad to say, that sometimes we are both guilty of that. That’s what makes it so difficult.

Taking a step back on your own sometimes works. That’s what I’m trying to do right now. Stepping back to see, whether the other person follows or not. And if not, well…then at least I am the one who initiated the real change. I’ll stick to myself this weekend, see if any messages will pop up once in a while. So far nothing. Might be, because yesterday felt strange and I said something about enjoying her day leaving me open the possibility whether I’ll write back again or not but in the end I was the one who wrote the last message later that day.

Okay. Reading over all this again makes me feel embarrassed. It seems so childish to me but I can’t help feeling this way…. And you guys probably don’t care about the stupid “who messages first or last” – thoughts and yeah, you are right. It should not matter. And with every other friend – I guarantee you, it doesn’t. I’m just so used to us being close even after what happened in 2016, I know our habits and I tell you: Once it started feeling normal and being important, it will be for a long time until you try hard to change that. I am trying right now. I need to get some distance between us, remind me again, that my life can be beautiful and my spare time can be important without her in it. I never was a dependent person and I don’t plan on start with it now.

I suppose I will see what will happen. Either way, stepping back might be exactly what I need. If she does the same I honestly don’t know where we wil end up or if we’re even gonna end up anywhere at all. But leaving or for that matter the change won’t hurt as much if you choose to do the same. At least you’re in control of your own life and in the end that is all that really matters.

Please don’t judge me for this absolutely childish and weird post. I’m having a weird phase again right now. I’ll talk to you again when I feel a little more sane, haha.

Until then, take good care!

– signed A

Mistakes were made

So, another month practically flew by and you have absolutely no idea how worrisome it has been. I screwed up at work twice – once because of my rather occupied mind and a second time because there was really important information, when I started my knew job, I should have gotten but didn’t. So practically it was not a 100% my fault. Also it was a misunderstanding and started not that good in the first place.

Well, the first fault I was able to completely obliterate once I found out about it and it was no big deal. The second one… You have no idea how much trouble I had keeping my mind from thinking about it. Keeping from feeling guilty about this one and playing the situation over and over in my mind, thinking it through to try and find out if I could have prevented anything from happening. To be honest, I’m sure I overreacted a little but there I was, having a really hard time with my family – the day before, I kept arguing with my parents about the whole situation…well…discuss, I would say. I was tired, exhausted, sad and distressed already and then this unfortunate incident occured and left me even more distressed. The first few days I could hardly think about anything else even though my team manager told me it really wasn’t that big of a deal. I do trust her but she wasn’t with me when it happened. She just trusted me when I said it was an honest mistake out of inexperience. Still – I can’t stress it enough. How am I supposed to know something nobody told me about in the first place when I started my job?

There’s a good chance she’ll get back to me about this – after all that’s what we said we would do but so far nothing has actually happened. I really do hope she just lets it fall. The only thing that sums the consequences of this mistake up is, that there’s one more person in the world who was probably angry for a few hours or a day and that’s it. Nothing more. I hope I didn’t jinx it now, writing about it here and that tomorrow she’ll call me over, telling me she’s ready to take another look at it. But honestly…It’s been over two weeks now and I would feel so much better just moving on from it. I already know what went wrong and trust me: This will never happen again. You think, shoudl she ever want to talk about it again, I should tell her that? Let’s just hope she lets it slide. I’d be so thankful for that… Feeling guilty is already nasty as it is.

Other than that nothing really happened I could talk about. My parents were close to divorcing. Probably more often than I can count. Last weekend though they spent a lot of time together and enjoyed it. I don’t know what that means but if there’s anything I have learned is that I cannot change the future by worrying about it too much. What they make of their relationship is their business. All I can do is watch. Just as I can only wait and see what my teammanager decided to do now.

I picked up welsh again. Learning a few words everyday now and getting the grammar right. I’m actually quite proud of my progress and I absolutely hope to use it this september, when I’ll make a trip to Wales for a few days =) Also I’m trying to look decent in summer so I attempt to do some gymnastics at home. So far nothing has changed but I already know this takes time. BUT I went climbing with friends on Saturday and I realized I had  more strengh and endurance than I originally thought which felt great. I was proud of myself =) So yeah, a few good things happened too.

And I just gotta tell you. The sun feels awesome. Sometimes a bright light is all I need in my life. Bright light and a good book.

Okay, so that’s my update for today. Sorry it’s all over the place and weird and I can’t go into details too much. I just wanted to tell you I’m still here fighting =)

Until next time…take care!

– signed A