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Rambling on…

Hi.

It all started almost three weeks ago when I was actually pretty happy about how things turned out. Sure there were some problems but nothing that you couldn’t surpress thinking about. But then something happened and chaos started all over. I think I’ve been suffering from depression since I was forteen years old and surely sometimes in the last ten years I had a feeling of not being able to continue. I did anyway.

See, the thing with depression is – as I’ve been reading on one of my favorite blogs on the interenet – you don’t necessarily want to kill yourself. You just want to be left alone, for time and the world and everyone else to forget about you so that you can kinda just…stay where you are not doing anything. So you’ll be able to fade away. Stop existing.

I’ve been at this point more times in my life than I can count and I guarantee you: I can count pretty high. It tires me and wears me out. Today is one of these days – hence the blog. I never went to see a doctor to get my depression confirmed so there might be a slim chance I’m just a drama queen who is sleepy all the time, has super low self esteem, feels the need to cry every so often without good reason and makes a big fuss out of everything while being extremely lazy and not feeling real happiness like…ever. Would be a lot of coincidences, am I right?

This time though, I’m really considering seeing someone. A diagnose should help me focus on finally getting better and most of all ┬ábeing okay with not feeling okay or productive for a period of time. I want to know it’s not my fault. I want to be proud of what I accomplished regardless of being mentally ill. I want to be able to say: I’ve made it this far and look where I am now.

What bothers me the most though is how people treat you differently knowing that something’s wrong with you. Not everytime when I want to be alone, I want to hurt myself – I actually haven’t done that in years. And I mean like…9 or so. Most of the time I feel more comfortable being on my own and need to calm down, think, order my thoughts and push myself to get some strengh. But my sister freaks out everytime… She also doesn’t know how to ‘handle me’ anymore but she feels like she can’t help me (apparently because the only one who can really help me is either myself or a shrink) so she’d rather not try and live life regardless of my needs and feelings. But that’s another topic right there. One that really hurt to be honest. But I’ll get to that sooner or later.

Okay, so this is my first post. I hope to be able to upload every week. Just my thoughts, if i did something important… Just to have something to get back to once in a while. If you experience similar things, feel free to contact. I am sure only somebody who actually lived through mental illnesses understands what it actually feels like. If you want to know who I am, please read About.

Also I kinda like the picture so i might just leave it here.

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A

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Huge sorry

Hello and a huge sorry guys! I haven’t been online and writing in forever. Consider me guilty. I don’t really have a reason why – I simply either didn’t think about it or had no time and I promise you, so many things have happened, I don’t even know where to start.

First off, I guess, my boss who I loved dearly – as a person and boss – left the company to work for someone else and it hit me like a slap in the face. She told me she wanted to keep in contact because had it been possible, we would have been friends by now. But since it just felt weird partying with your boss we waited for a time like this. It comforts me a little but not that much haha. I got her a nice little farewell present and I honestly hope keeping in contact works out for us.

My new boss on the other hand…well, considering she didn’t even introduce herself to us and didn’t even smile back when I greeted her the first few days… It’s weird. Having her around is weird and I know she doesn’t have many friends around our team because of reasons. (I might make a post later on about what perks a good leader should have, at least in my eyes)  I don’t have a problem with her. I hope it stays that way. She’s just so different and doesn’t seem too sure about her job and position as a team leader. And she focuses on the completely wrong things but oh well, I suppose she has to learn the hard way. One thing though is for sure: We will not have that kind of personal understanding that me and my previous boss shared but what can you do about it? I’m just relieved I am an independent employee and don’t need much. Though I have heard there have been differences all over the place in our team.

Also I could have gotten a promotion. YEAAAAH! I rejected. Just for the moment and felt bad about it right after haha. I was so sure it was the right decision and when someone else finally got the job, I had to chew on it quite a lot, I have to admit. It was weird. And saddening. And I had doubts to no end. And then a new friend came into my life =)

He just took a job in our team and we instantly got along soooo well. He felt like the fresh air and reassurance about the job rejection I so desperately needed. He works the same shifts as I and we leave the company together almost every day so I don’t have to get used to going to the station alone. We laugh pretty much all the time, share teas and food and thoughts and everything you would ever want. It’s so nice having someone around at work who brightens up your day after so many disappointments and looks after you. I enjoy being around him =)

The other things…well, I don’t really know whether I want to talk about them now… There is still a lot to figure out. Like…family related stuff. The future of me and someone I have known for a long time and still haven’t completely said goodbye to. Me moving out to my own flat probably.

Oh and there IS something else. I made another new friend over the internet because she needed someone as a hairmodel for an exam. We met a few times and she’s such a chaotic, lovable person with a huge talent for cutting hair. I felt like a completely new person after the exam with fabulous hair like that =) We promised to write each other and meet up once in a while. I’d really love that =)

Other than that I take singing lessons now – if I haven’t told you about that. I’ve had a few until now and I’m quite pleased how they turn out. I need to practise more though…

Soo, I think that’s all for now. The rest I’m gonna talk about later!

I love you guys! Take good care!

– signed A

Irony

Hey guys!

Originally I wanted to write a resume for last year but thinking about it I do not want to dwell too much on most of the things that happened. It hasn’t been bad altogether but there have been some extraordinary changes and most of them have yet to be resolved. Some I took a part in and still do, others I have no control over and, well, some might also be of the sort you could actually make an effort to change but wish you couldn’t.

The bad stuff that happened regarding my parents ripped a hole in family life. It’s not as bad as it could be – at least not on most of the days – but it is still taking a toll on me. I tried my best to help. Nothing’s changed. Seeing my mum hurt so much tears me to pieces though…

And god, I can’t believe this dilemma with my former best friend continued on for so long now, we’re gonna have anniversary soon. Just not the good kind. Fighting anniversary. It’s been over two months – almost three now since I’ve last stayed over night. There are times where I miss the old relationship we had. Like when I’m watching a good movie or do something we used to talk about. Then there are times where I am just too disappointed and repulsed by most of the things she has said and done to me in the past weeks/months. I kinda want to resolve things and get back to normal whatever normal is but then I find the thought of me getting closer again quite alarming. Right now I feel fine when I do not dwell too much on the things we had. Why change that and put myself in danger once again?

“Leave the memories alone. I don’t want to see the way it is as to how it used to be.” (Fuel – Leave the memories alone) It’s lyrics from a song I really like and they fit perfectly. It’s exactly that. Just pretend you don’t notice. Don’t help yourself to remember. Don’t remember at all for now. It’s so weird not having to say anything to the one person you wanted to tell everything just a few weeks/months prior. It’s also weird to think about all this and not feel hurt anymore but that’s exactly what’s happening. A friend told me a few days ago “You don’t hurt anymore. You just feel sad. But that’s when you know you start to heal.” She’s right. If I really wanted I could take the last step and move on for good without her.

Regarding work there was good and bad stuff. The good was me getting my promotion, the bad that the promotion turned out a pain in the *** a few months later. I am not stuck with it. I have the chance to leave my team behind me and take on a new chapter but I do not know whether I am ready for that or not. I want so much to go back to college but getting another job would mean working more hours. As much as I fought until now, I am not sure I can handle more hours plus college… But it’s just one of many opportunities that will open up, right? The new year has just started. No one knows what it will hold in store for me.

A good thing is that I actually made peace with someone from my past and we write once in a while, taking each other back to when it was just us and a big secret we still share. I feel a little more free now because sometimes this still lingered on my mind. Knowing I was not the only one helps.

I also started taking singing lessons and I like it so far =) Although I know I will never want to become a professional singer I just want to be good at it and the lessons help me to feel better about myself. Apparently I also have a range of four octaves which – with training, obviously – I could learn to control and use for all these beautiful songs out there I always wanted to sing but couldn’t.

And then I have found a new friend. The irony behind him is, that we befriended each other that exact day where I refused to go to the party of my former best friend after a fight we had. I just wasn’t sure whether it mattered if I came or not so I decided to arrive late and not stay for too long. I told her I would arrive late, went to a friend’s house to talk and cool down. She however had invited someone else too and we ended up drinking and chatting. Staying that long at my friends house caused a huge fight because I did arrive late to the party just like I said I would and helped drive in a nail into the coffin of my former friendship. But I do not regret a thing. M and I stayed in contact since then and he introduced me to a new video game I love now and have parties regularly. I trust him. He likes me a lot too =)

“And when you slammed the front door shut, a lot of others opened up” (Daughtry – Over you) One friendship almost ended that day – it was huge drama after that, I can tell you that much – another one started. I even celebrated New Years Eve with M and his friends, spent the whole next day with him and his girlfriend. Something that was always a thing for me and my former best friend. I don’t regret it. I had one of the best NYE ever. EVER. Honestly. Not only because I love homparties and grew fond of the people there but because of taking a midnight walk, having fun on the way home, going on the swings and looking at the stars and finally staying in bed the whole day after watching shows and movies with someone who cares about me and wanted me to see them.

Maybe this really was a new beginning. I’ll hold these memories dear to me. They may not sound special to anyone else in this world. Laughable even. To me they mean something and remembering how I felt that day makes me smile. I hope it will continue to do that forever.

Oh well, I’m sure soon I’m gonna have something else to talk about. And if not, I’ll just think of something. I didn’t want to have another month-gap in this blog but December was pretty busy for me and I didn’t feel too well so I hope you don’t mind.

Until next time…take care and all the best of luck for this year!

– signed A

Thoughts don’t come in order

Today I don’t even know why I sit here. There is so much to write about but none of it is fun or remotely positive so I would love to just skip it. Also my thoughts are in such a disarray…where to start?

First off, one of my friends is going to move to the US. That’s a long way away from here and I will miss her a lot. The moment could almost not be worse but well, I am happy for her and it will still take some time. For her though I hope everything turns out how she always wanted it to be.

Also, this was the first birthday that I didn’t spend with my former best friend. And there’s even more to this: We didn’t even celebrate. She asked me loosely about it but it never happened and now I kinda don’t want to anymore. I knew at some point this would happen but it still is a strange feeling.

It’s also still pretty weird between us both. She still does not get my point of view and even if, she got too selfish to help me out of this mess that I am in now. I don’t trust her anymore. I don’t know her anymore. I miss the person I used to know not who she is right now. And I am not getting the vibes that she wants me to get to know her. Obviously that’s because she tells me she didn’t even change much. Well, how am I supposed to know? All I know she has a ton of new hobbies I am no part of. She has a ton of friends she’s going out with rather than asking me whether I want to spend some time on one particular day with her. And she got pretty selfish. It all became so negative in such a little timespan. So…we don’t spend time together and what little time we spend might or might not be spent fighting and that’s not helpful at all. Or I am trying hard not to fall into old habits. Or I keep thinking about how someone could have changed that way. Anyway…do not get me wrong. I changed too – I am pretty sure of that and I do make use of the newly won freedom meeting up with friends, finding new hobbies, working on myself and my future. But right now she just doesn’t get that I have absolutely no motivation to share my life with a stranger rather than a real friend.

Wow, I have written far to much in this topic since opening up this blog. It doesn’t seem to get old. I wish it would just stop.

My parents are fighting again too. I hate it. Right now I can only count on myself and some friends I haven’t yet introduced you to and – to be completely honest – I might never actually. They have been here for me for years now. Twelve years and counting, to be exact. I love them, I know for a fact that they love me back and whenever I need them, they are here. I trust them like no one else in this world and beyond that.

Thanks for being here for me. Thanks for helping me through the mess that I call my life. Sometimes – even in bad times – it’s a party. I love you all…

Well, that’s that. I just had the feeling I needed to get this out. A longer update will follow shortly – I promise. It’s just too late for that now and also, like I said, my thoughts don’t come in order. It wouldn’t be fun reading them at all. So until next time – take good care.

– signed A

Closure

Something I wish I had. Right now I feel like I am reliving moments I thought were long gone… But even though life means constant change there are some things that will always come back to you. Never exactly like they were before but too close to some memories to not notice.

It’s a weird feeling. Reassuring and numbing at the same time because I know I can get through this – I have done it before. I know HOW to do it. But do I want it? No. I just have to. It’s not pleasant but sadly enough it’s a part of life.

The more time I spend doing my own stuff, create new memories with other friends and family, the more objective I see our situation. Yeah, I still care less but I also miss more. I still don’t know whether I want to spend time with her, want to get close again and I wouldn’t even know how to tell her – would I choose to. But our friendship was such a big part of my life. So many memories I can only share with her. So many plans never to become reality.

We are dead. There is no we anymore. And the more I feel it, the more it hurts. Deep down inside but no matter where the hurt rests – it’s here. Being present is all it needs to do.

I wonder what she is thinking. If she feels the same way. And as long as there are these omnipresent questions in my head and no answers to them ready I will always wonder. But I don’t always want it to be me who brings all this up. It would lead to fighting once again because she never sees the reason behind my words. Whenever I tried to show her how I felt, she saw it as an accusation but that was not the point of my words. Whenever I told her what I needed and wished for she told me I was needy, taunting and egocentric. I wasn’t. I just tried to get what I thought would save our friendship. I pleaded for it. I was desperate until I became frustrated and when the frustration reached its limits I started caring less and less about her. I still do… Just our friendship. That I would want to save somehow. Weird wish, huh?

Anyway…closure would be nice. Closure, some answers and then a new path. With or without her I sincerely don’t know but maybe I don’t even have to right now. I just want to be able to look in the right direction. Decide later. Save us or let go…

– signed A

The sun will rise again

You want to know at which point you can tell that a relationship is about to break?

It’s when you hear ‘I also didn’t do less than you.’ rather than ‘I did my best’. Or probably it’s you feeling exactly like this.

It’s when you’re not willing to put more effort in something than the other person who is involved – maybe out of spite or pride or simply because you’re too hurt and insecure to do so. Not an ounce more effort than the other one – just in case.

Then you know it’s over.

And sure, it’s sad. But the sun will rise again and when it’s all said and done and you can finally breathe again, you will continue to shine with her.

One of the crowd

I don’t even know where to start. So much has happened. It still does.

First off…remember that one friendship I keep wondering about? Well, I can tell you this: It’s almost over. I stopped caring that much and all of a sudden life feels so much easier on me. Sure, I think about it a lot. I even just now wrote a rap about it (or song or something. All I know is that it rhymes a lot and was fun to do). I am still wondering and yeah, I am still sad inside. But I distanced myself emotionally after a rather hardcore commotion which (she thinks) was totally my fault, though I don’t regret anything tbh. I looked after myself and cared about what I wanted more, just like she did the months before.

Anyway… After this fight or whatever I decided that maybe it was time to stop. Stop caring. Stop thinking. Stop waiting for something to take away my worries. It would not happen anytime soon because she never understood what I so desperately tried to make her see. But maybe it was time to start more things. Like…start to care about myself. Start seeing people who I KNOW care about me. Start taking care of my own projects more. Well, that’s what I did. It felt great. A lot of people noticed. And they noticed a positive change I should say.

Of course and for the record: I don’t want to blame my psychological state on her but since this change, my down has also disappeared. I dived through it and I have felt more alive in the last few weeks than in the last year probably. I should tell you, after my previous blog post I did see not my psychologist but my doctor. He gave me some pills – I didn’t take them but I have them at home just in case my psyche gets worse again. Let’s hope not though.

Needless to say, I made use of the last weeks. I wrote a lot, sang a lot, met a bunch of people, slept less, laughed more. I felt alive. I still do. It feels amazing. I was so thirsty for feeling the wind on my face again. To breathe in again. To feel the rain on my skin. For the urge to live.

It’s sad that my (well…now former best) friend doesn’t get to see this change. Well, she does but not from a close distance. I don’t know whether she feels hurt or if it makes her wonder at all that right after our big fight, my down is gone and I look like a completely different person sometimes. I can look myself in the mirror again and like what I see. I go out and flirt. I smile when I go to work (though work is a pain in the *** most of the time). We don’t talk that much anymore. Everything we had seems gone. Like I have told her many, very many times before. It’s just that now I don’t care enough to bring them back again. I tried so much to turn this around… She didn’t see. She didn’t want to understand. She never cared to really listen to what I had to say about my feelings and the feelings I had about our friendship. About how she made me feel – maybe without any intention to do so. She was too busy telling me I was wrong and overreacting.

Guess what? She told me a few weeks ago that, yes, some things in her HAVE changed. That’s what I always said. But instead of telling me what happened, she just made me feel like I was a paranoid, unpleasant weirdo. Thanks for that. Thanks for finally letting me know.

It might be too late for us now though… You see… I don’t have trust in her words anymore. I see how much more she invests in other friendships now because I don’t invest enough in our friendship myself. The only problem with that is, that I stopped caring. Go out, have fun. Yeah, it sometimes makes me sad to see but then I realize I do the same thing an move on with my own life because she doesn’t concern me enough anymore. She made me feel like I haven’t been a part of her life in such a long time… Why would all the investments in other friendships change anything for me now?

She tells me she really does care about us. She wants to make this work. I don’t see it. All I see is small, tiny efforts once in a while but the most important stuff falls under the desk so nothing actually changes. For 8 months now I’ve constantly told her I was worried that she didn’t seem like she cared enough. Now she began telling me, that if I don’t seem to care, she wouldn’t show it either. Isn’t that counterproductive? Wouldn’t you say that I had more reason to feel no motivation at all?

I still think the problem is that she finds, she hasn’t done anything wrong. And yeah – maybe she IS right. Maybe the only thing she should have done different was telling me EARLIER that she has changed and therefore our friendship has too.

Maybe I should let go of the past – yeah, there was a time where I definitely wanted to work on getting closer again and ignoring everything else if she showed me she cared. But now… I am not so sure anymore. Also because I don’t see any effort in her. Just pictures and memories she makes with other people now. I am nothing more than one of the crowd.

If she does that to prove to herself she doesn’t need me anymore and also wants to hurt me with this… I just want her to know that I know how she feels. I’ve been there before. Not anymore though. I just don’t want to give more than I get back when nothing I say, none of my concerns are taken seriously. In the end what she makes me feel is what counts, not what she says.

I’m sure there’s plenty more to be said about this but it’s getting late and tomorrow is my favorite day of the week. Monday >_>

I have to go to sleep, read over my song again. I promise this time it won’t be another month until I post an update. There was just so much stuff to do for me.

Until then… Enjoy yourself and take care.

– signed A

Untying the knots

My mind is a complicated place. I try to unwind every thought but what I find is more paths to tread on, more knots to untie and most of them are big and strong and I don’t know if I’ll ever find peace.

All I do is create more thoughts, more sorrows, more knots with the cord that I try to untie. How can I make this stop? Most of my way to work consists of thoughts I’d rather not think through had I the choice. The sad part is… I don’t feel like I do. I’m just surviving, day by day. Slap the people I like in the face mentally or confuse them or fail to comfort them. I feel like I failed human kind with almost everything I am – well…at least the good sort of human kind.

Maybe I should go, see my therapist again… Just so that I can say I did something. But then again, what is he supposed to do? I can’t afford a therapy and I don’t want to take medications. But trying to get better, more out of life all on my own? I am already trying hard – or that’s what I make myself believe. Still I don’t know if I can try any harder and the thought of it makes me shiver with exhaustion.

Maybe I am just one of these people who will always feel lost in this world… If I don’t do anything that’s certainly what will happen. Though this is not what I hope for. I guess, I’ll just have to give it my all again.

Sorry about the sad ranting again… I am getting tired of it too.

Until my next post…take care. You deserve happiness.

-signed A