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Rambling on…

Hi.

It all started almost three weeks ago when I was actually pretty happy about how things turned out. Sure there were some problems but nothing that you couldn’t surpress thinking about. But then something happened and chaos started all over. I think I’ve been suffering from depression since I was forteen years old and surely sometimes in the last ten years I had a feeling of not being able to continue. I did anyway.

See, the thing with depression is – as I’ve been reading on one of my favorite blogs on the interenet – you don’t necessarily want to kill yourself. You just want to be left alone, for time and the world and everyone else to forget about you so that you can kinda just…stay where you are not doing anything. So you’ll be able to fade away. Stop existing.

I’ve been at this point more times in my life than I can count and I guarantee you: I can count pretty high. It tires me and wears me out. Today is one of these days – hence the blog. I never went to see a doctor to get my depression confirmed so there might be a slim chance I’m just a drama queen who is sleepy all the time, has super low self esteem, feels the need to cry every so often without good reason and makes a big fuss out of everything while being extremely lazy and not feeling real happiness like…ever. Would be a lot of coincidences, am I right?

This time though, I’m really considering seeing someone. A diagnose should help me focus on finally getting better and most of all ¬†being okay with not feeling okay or productive for a period of time. I want to know it’s not my fault. I want to be proud of what I accomplished regardless of being mentally ill. I want to be able to say: I’ve made it this far and look where I am now.

What bothers me the most though is how people treat you differently knowing that something’s wrong with you. Not everytime when I want to be alone, I want to hurt myself – I actually haven’t done that in years. And I mean like…9 or so. Most of the time I feel more comfortable being on my own and need to calm down, think, order my thoughts and push myself to get some strengh. But my sister freaks out everytime… She also doesn’t know how to ‘handle me’ anymore but she feels like she can’t help me (apparently because the only one who can really help me is either myself or a shrink) so she’d rather not try and live life regardless of my needs and feelings. But that’s another topic right there. One that really hurt to be honest. But I’ll get to that sooner or later.

Okay, so this is my first post. I hope to be able to upload every week. Just my thoughts, if i did something important… Just to have something to get back to once in a while. If you experience similar things, feel free to contact. I am sure only somebody who actually lived through mental illnesses understands what it actually feels like. If you want to know who I am, please read About.

Also I kinda like the picture so i might just leave it here.

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A

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Thoughts don’t come in order

Today I don’t even know why I sit here. There is so much to write about but none of it is fun or remotely positive so I would love to just skip it. Also my thoughts are in such a disarray…where to start?

First off, one of my friends is going to move to the US. That’s a long way away from here and I will miss her a lot. The moment could almost not be worse but well, I am happy for her and it will still take some time. For her though I hope everything turns out how she always wanted it to be.

Also, this was the first birthday that I didn’t spend with my former best friend. And there’s even more to this: We didn’t even celebrate. She asked me loosely about it but it never happened and now I kinda don’t want to anymore. I knew at some point this would happen but it still is a strange feeling.

It’s also still pretty weird between us both. She still does not get my point of view and even if, she got too selfish to help me out of this mess that I am in now. I don’t trust her anymore. I don’t know her anymore. I miss the person I used to know not who she is right now. And I am not getting the vibes that she wants me to get to know her. Obviously that’s because she tells me she didn’t even change much. Well, how am I supposed to know? All I know she has a ton of new hobbies I am no part of. She has a ton of friends she’s going out with rather than asking me whether I want to spend some time on one particular day with her. And she got pretty selfish. It all became so negative in such a little timespan. So…we don’t spend time together and what little time we spend might or might not be spent fighting and that’s not helpful at all. Or I am trying hard not to fall into old habits. Or I keep thinking about how someone could have changed that way. Anyway…do not get me wrong. I changed too – I am pretty sure of that and I do make use of the newly won freedom meeting up with friends, finding new hobbies, working on myself and my future. But right now she just doesn’t get that I have absolutely no motivation to share my life with a stranger rather than a real friend.

Wow, I have written far to much in this topic since opening up this blog. It doesn’t seem to get old. I wish it would just stop.

My parents are fighting again too. I hate it. Right now I can only count on myself and some friends I haven’t yet introduced you to and – to be completely honest – I might never actually. They have been here for me for years now. Twelve years and counting, to be exact. I love them, I know for a fact that they love me back and whenever I need them, they are here. I trust them like no one else in this world and beyond that.

Thanks for being here for me. Thanks for helping me through the mess that I call my life. Sometimes – even in bad times – it’s a party. I love you all…

Well, that’s that. I just had the feeling I needed to get this out. A longer update will follow shortly – I promise. It’s just too late for that now and also, like I said, my thoughts don’t come in order. It wouldn’t be fun reading them at all. So until next time – take good care.

– signed A

Closure

Something I wish I had. Right now I feel like I am reliving moments I thought were long gone… But even though life means constant change there are some things that will always come back to you. Never exactly like they were before but too close to some memories to not notice.

It’s a weird feeling. Reassuring and numbing at the same time because I know I can get through this – I have done it before. I know HOW to do it. But do I want it? No. I just have to. It’s not pleasant but sadly enough it’s a part of life.

The more time I spend doing my own stuff, create new memories with other friends and family, the more objective I see our situation. Yeah, I still care less but I also miss more. I still don’t know whether I want to spend time with her, want to get close again and I wouldn’t even know how to tell her – would I choose to. But our friendship was such a big part of my life. So many memories I can only share with her. So many plans never to become reality.

We are dead. There is no we anymore. And the more I feel it, the more it hurts. Deep down inside but no matter where the hurt rests – it’s here. Being present is all it needs to do.

I wonder what she is thinking. If she feels the same way. And as long as there are these omnipresent questions in my head and no answers to them ready I will always wonder. But I don’t always want it to be me who brings all this up. It would lead to fighting once again because she never sees the reason behind my words. Whenever I tried to show her how I felt, she saw it as an accusation but that was not the point of my words. Whenever I told her what I needed and wished for she told me I was needy, taunting and egocentric. I wasn’t. I just tried to get what I thought would save our friendship. I pleaded for it. I was desperate until I became frustrated and when the frustration reached its limits I started caring less and less about her. I still do… Just our friendship. That I would want to save somehow. Weird wish, huh?

Anyway…closure would be nice. Closure, some answers and then a new path. With or without her I sincerely don’t know but maybe I don’t even have to right now. I just want to be able to look in the right direction. Decide later. Save us or let go…

– signed A

The sun will rise again

You want to know at which point you can tell that a relationship is about to break?

It’s when you hear ‘I also didn’t do less than you.’ rather than ‘I did my best’. Or probably it’s you feeling exactly like this.

It’s when you’re not willing to put more effort in something than the other person who is involved – maybe out of spite or pride or simply because you’re too hurt and insecure to do so. Not an ounce more effort than the other one – just in case.

Then you know it’s over.

And sure, it’s sad. But the sun will rise again and when it’s all said and done and you can finally breathe again, you will continue to shine with her.

One of the crowd

I don’t even know where to start. So much has happened. It still does.

First off…remember that one friendship I keep wondering about? Well, I can tell you this: It’s almost over. I stopped caring that much and all of a sudden life feels so much easier on me. Sure, I think about it a lot. I even just now wrote a rap about it (or song or something. All I know is that it rhymes a lot and was fun to do). I am still wondering and yeah, I am still sad inside. But I distanced myself emotionally after a rather hardcore commotion which (she thinks) was totally my fault, though I don’t regret anything tbh. I looked after myself and cared about what I wanted more, just like she did the months before.

Anyway… After this fight or whatever I decided that maybe it was time to stop. Stop caring. Stop thinking. Stop waiting for something to take away my worries. It would not happen anytime soon because she never understood what I so desperately tried to make her see. But maybe it was time to start more things. Like…start to care about myself. Start seeing people who I KNOW care about me. Start taking care of my own projects more. Well, that’s what I did. It felt great. A lot of people noticed. And they noticed a positive change I should say.

Of course and for the record: I don’t want to blame my psychological state on her but since this change, my down has also disappeared. I dived through it and I have felt more alive in the last few weeks than in the last year probably. I should tell you, after my previous blog post I did see not my psychologist but my doctor. He gave me some pills – I didn’t take them but I have them at home just in case my psyche gets worse again. Let’s hope not though.

Needless to say, I made use of the last weeks. I wrote a lot, sang a lot, met a bunch of people, slept less, laughed more. I felt alive. I still do. It feels amazing. I was so thirsty for feeling the wind on my face again. To breathe in again. To feel the rain on my skin. For the urge to live.

It’s sad that my (well…now former best) friend doesn’t get to see this change. Well, she does but not from a close distance. I don’t know whether she feels hurt or if it makes her wonder at all that right after our big fight, my down is gone and I look like a completely different person sometimes. I can look myself in the mirror again and like what I see. I go out and flirt. I smile when I go to work (though work is a pain in the *** most of the time). We don’t talk that much anymore. Everything we had seems gone. Like I have told her many, very many times before. It’s just that now I don’t care enough to bring them back again. I tried so much to turn this around… She didn’t see. She didn’t want to understand. She never cared to really listen to what I had to say about my feelings and the feelings I had about our friendship. About how she made me feel – maybe without any intention to do so. She was too busy telling me I was wrong and overreacting.

Guess what? She told me a few weeks ago that, yes, some things in her HAVE changed. That’s what I always said. But instead of telling me what happened, she just made me feel like I was a paranoid, unpleasant weirdo. Thanks for that. Thanks for finally letting me know.

It might be too late for us now though… You see… I don’t have trust in her words anymore. I see how much more she invests in other friendships now because I don’t invest enough in our friendship myself. The only problem with that is, that I stopped caring. Go out, have fun. Yeah, it sometimes makes me sad to see but then I realize I do the same thing an move on with my own life because she doesn’t concern me enough anymore. She made me feel like I haven’t been a part of her life in such a long time… Why would all the investments in other friendships change anything for me now?

She tells me she really does care about us. She wants to make this work. I don’t see it. All I see is small, tiny efforts once in a while but the most important stuff falls under the desk so nothing actually changes. For 8 months now I’ve constantly told her I was worried that she didn’t seem like she cared enough. Now she began telling me, that if I don’t seem to care, she wouldn’t show it either. Isn’t that counterproductive? Wouldn’t you say that I had more reason to feel no motivation at all?

I still think the problem is that she finds, she hasn’t done anything wrong. And yeah – maybe she IS right. Maybe the only thing she should have done different was telling me EARLIER that she has changed and therefore our friendship has too.

Maybe I should let go of the past – yeah, there was a time where I definitely wanted to work on getting closer again and ignoring everything else if she showed me she cared. But now… I am not so sure anymore. Also because I don’t see any effort in her. Just pictures and memories she makes with other people now. I am nothing more than one of the crowd.

If she does that to prove to herself she doesn’t need me anymore and also wants to hurt me with this… I just want her to know that I know how she feels. I’ve been there before. Not anymore though. I just don’t want to give more than I get back when nothing I say, none of my concerns are taken seriously. In the end what she makes me feel is what counts, not what she says.

I’m sure there’s plenty more to be said about this but it’s getting late and tomorrow is my favorite day of the week. Monday >_>

I have to go to sleep, read over my song again. I promise this time it won’t be another month until I post an update. There was just so much stuff to do for me.

Until then… Enjoy yourself and take care.

– signed A

Untying the knots

My mind is a complicated place. I try to unwind every thought but what I find is more paths to tread on, more knots to untie and most of them are big and strong and I don’t know if I’ll ever find peace.

All I do is create more thoughts, more sorrows, more knots with the cord that I try to untie. How can I make this stop? Most of my way to work consists of thoughts I’d rather not think through had I the choice. The sad part is… I don’t feel like I do. I’m just surviving, day by day. Slap the people I like in the face mentally or confuse them or fail to comfort them. I feel like I failed human kind with almost everything I am – well…at least the good sort of human kind.

Maybe I should go, see my therapist again… Just so that I can say I did something. But then again, what is he supposed to do? I can’t afford a therapy and I don’t want to take medications. But trying to get better, more out of life all on my own? I am already trying hard – or that’s what I make myself believe. Still I don’t know if I can try any harder and the thought of it makes me shiver with exhaustion.

Maybe I am just one of these people who will always feel lost in this world… If I don’t do anything that’s certainly what will happen. Though this is not what I hope for. I guess, I’ll just have to give it my all again.

Sorry about the sad ranting again… I am getting tired of it too.

Until my next post…take care. You deserve happiness.

-signed A

My little night lights

Thanks to the the person on train who asked if I was feeling unwell, because he saw how pale and shortwinded I was, while all the other passengers just looked away pretending not to see that something was wrong.

Thanks to the nice lady at the drugstore who let me pay my stuff before her at her cash because I have been standing in my line forever before it got closed for no good reason and she saw that I was in a hurry already.

Thanks to the lady directly in front of me in line, who persisted on me accepting her five euro note because ‘young girls obviously had more good use for it than she did’ just because I helped her figuring out what kind of ticket she needed.

Thanks to the nice bus driver who didn’t let me continue to stand in the cold rain when I was twelve years old because I had neither a ticket nor money. He got me to the next train station safely without any charge. I didn’t even have to ask. He just opened the door and said ‘come in and sit down’

Thanks to all the people who call me in the service line and appreciate me trying to help them and actually telling me at the end of our call that I was competent and they were happy with my service. These are the people I go to work for.

A big thanks to the wonderful man who noticed my open bagpack and instead of just reaching in and pulling out my wallet (which he could have easily reached) he told me about it so I could close it. Years later I am still in awe and super thankful about this.

Thanks so much to the tough woman behind me at the concert who intently held back the crowd from literally squashing me just because everyone else wanted to be in the front too. She made the concert 1000* better. Without her I would have had bruises all over. When I thanked her after and wanted to buy her a drink she just smiled and told me ‘Just do something good for someone else. That’s all I want.’

Thanks to that one man who I asked desperately and out of fear at night whether he would walk with me just a few feet around the next corner, because there was an obviously drunk and aggravated man,¬† who had a lookout for women, right where I had to pass. The young man didn’t only say yes, he actually walked me to my doorway to make sure I got there safely. He held a respectable distance and I have to say I enjoyed our smalltalk along the way.

Thanks also to the man at the call center of the fire brigade, who I called when me and my former best friend had been chased by a man out in the woods. In my panic I called the wrong number but even so the man talked to us calmly and continued to stay on the phone for over fifteen minutes to make sure we were okay and he didn’t need to send us any help. I know it’s his job but I am still so thankful.

Thanks to all the employees in shops who – when I ask for their opinion – actually tell me the truth instead of what’s best for the company so I can figure out the best deal for me.

Thanks to my team leader who doesn’t just expects me to do my job properly – like most of them would – but continues to compliment me on my work. Just today a message randomly popped up on my computer telling me I had a great english accent and she loves my polite conversational skills. She probably has no idea how motivating this is.

Thanks to everyone else who let me skip them in line and not just nodded but smiled at me, as if to say ‘I don’t just accept your annoying request but I’m happy to help.’ It does happen and everytime I find myself thinking the world is not so bad after all.

Thanks to everyone who makes me feel welcome and loved. Even though I cannot always love myself.

Thanks to my family who doesn’t really understand what’s wrong but keeps track of my emotions and tries to help me in their own way when they sense something is wrong.

Thanks so much to my friends who know I may not stay in touch all the time, but I always come back to them so they are not concerned with it nor do they reproach me for this. Thanks also to them for not leaving me behind or forgetting me while I need my alone time.

And of course thanks for all the little things. The smiles you get when you pass someone by. The compliments on your outfit or how your hair is done. Thanks for leaving me the place to sit on train because you see I have a lot to carry. Thanks for taking the time to help me find my way if I am lost on the street. Thanks for grabbing that one item from the highest shelf in the shop when I cannot reach it. Thanks for helping me with my baggage if it seems too heavy for myself to get it stored properly. Thanks for clapping after I sang my song in the karaoke bar and telling me I have a great voice. Thanks for doing this all with a smile so I know I am not just annoying someone with my request.

For quite a few years my father used to switch on a night light just for me in the evening, so I wouldn’t stumble over anything should I get up at night. I will always love him for that and for so much, much more just like my mum. All these things I wrote down now feel like little night lights in my life, who make the darkness a little brighter and the coming days a little more bearable and worth living.

So I hope all these people have a wonderful life and get all the happiness and thankfulness back. They deserve it. Every single one of them.

-signed A

It happened again

After all I lied to everyone’s face. If they ask, I just stand there, telling them nothing is wrong. ‘It’s just me’ I say. ‘It will pass.’ It will. And so will I.

To be completely honest I am disgusted by this situation. Disgusted by the people around me, the world, myself. I wish I could say it can’t reach me. I wish I could say I don’t care. But that would be just another lie and I promised myself to get through this another way.

Maybe after all, I will need to be honest, lay the cards on the table and let the others decide whether I am weak or incredibly strong.