Untying the knots

My mind is a complicated place. I try to unwind every thought but what I find is more paths to tread on, more knots to untie and most of them are big and strong and I don’t know if I’ll ever find peace.

All I do is create more thoughts, more sorrows, more knots with the cord that I try to untie. How can I make this stop? Most of my way to work consists of thoughts I’d rather not think through had I the choice. The sad part is… I don’t feel like I do. I’m just surviving, day by day. Slap the people I like in the face mentally or confuse them or fail to comfort them. I feel like I failed human kind with almost everything I am – well…at least the good sort of human kind.

Maybe I should go, see my therapist again… Just so that I can say I did something. But then again, what is he supposed to do? I can’t afford a therapy and I don’t want to take medications. But trying to get better, more out of life all on my own? I am already trying hard – or that’s what I make myself believe. Still I don’t know if I can try any harder and the thought of it makes me shiver with exhaustion.

Maybe I am just one of these people who will always feel lost in this world… If I don’t do anything that’s certainly what will happen. Though this is not what I hope for. I guess, I’ll just have to give it my all again.

Sorry about the sad ranting again… I am getting tired of it too.

Until my next post…take care. You deserve happiness.

-signed A

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My little night lights

Thanks to the the person on train who asked if I was feeling unwell, because he saw how pale and shortwinded I was, while all the other passengers just looked away pretending not to see that something was wrong.

Thanks to the nice lady at the drugstore who let me pay my stuff before her at her cash because I have been standing in my line forever before it got closed for no good reason and she saw that I was in a hurry already.

Thanks to the lady directly in front of me in line, who persisted on me accepting her five euro note because ‘young girls obviously had more good use for it than she did’ just because I helped her figuring out what kind of ticket she needed.

Thanks to the nice bus driver who didn’t let me continue to stand in the cold rain when I was twelve years old because I had neither a ticket nor money. He got me to the next train station safely without any charge. I didn’t even have to ask. He just opened the door and said ‘come in and sit down’

Thanks to all the people who call me in the service line and appreciate me trying to help them and actually telling me at the end of our call that I was competent and they were happy with my service. These are the people I go to work for.

A big thanks to the wonderful man who noticed my open bagpack and instead of just reaching in and pulling out my wallet (which he could have easily reached) he told me about it so I could close it. Years later I am still in awe and super thankful about this.

Thanks so much to the tough woman behind me at the concert who intently held back the crowd from literally squashing me just because everyone else wanted to be in the front too. She made the concert 1000* better. Without her I would have had bruises all over. When I thanked her after and wanted to buy her a drink she just smiled and told me ‘Just do something good for someone else. That’s all I want.’

Thanks to that one man who I asked desperately and out of fear at night whether he would walk with me just a few feet around the next corner, because there was an obviously drunk and aggravated man,  who had a lookout for women, right where I had to pass. The young man didn’t only say yes, he actually walked me to my doorway to make sure I got there safely. He held a respectable distance and I have to say I enjoyed our smalltalk along the way.

Thanks also to the man at the call center of the fire brigade, who I called when me and my former best friend had been chased by a man out in the woods. In my panic I called the wrong number but even so the man talked to us calmly and continued to stay on the phone for over fifteen minutes to make sure we were okay and he didn’t need to send us any help. I know it’s his job but I am still so thankful.

Thanks to all the employees in shops who – when I ask for their opinion – actually tell me the truth instead of what’s best for the company so I can figure out the best deal for me.

Thanks to my team leader who doesn’t just expects me to do my job properly – like most of them would – but continues to compliment me on my work. Just today a message randomly popped up on my computer telling me I had a great english accent and she loves my polite conversational skills. She probably has no idea how motivating this is.

Thanks to everyone else who let me skip them in line and not just nodded but smiled at me, as if to say ‘I don’t just accept your annoying request but I’m happy to help.’ It does happen and everytime I find myself thinking the world is not so bad after all.

Thanks to everyone who makes me feel welcome and loved. Even though I cannot always love myself.

Thanks to my family who doesn’t really understand what’s wrong but keeps track of my emotions and tries to help me in their own way when they sense something is wrong.

Thanks so much to my friends who know I may not stay in touch all the time, but I always come back to them so they are not concerned with it nor do they reproach me for this. Thanks also to them for not leaving me behind or forgetting me while I need my alone time.

And of course thanks for all the little things. The smiles you get when you pass someone by. The compliments on your outfit or how your hair is done. Thanks for leaving me the place to sit on train because you see I have a lot to carry. Thanks for taking the time to help me find my way if I am lost on the street. Thanks for grabbing that one item from the highest shelf in the shop when I cannot reach it. Thanks for helping me with my baggage if it seems too heavy for myself to get it stored properly. Thanks for clapping after I sang my song in the karaoke bar and telling me I have a great voice. Thanks for doing this all with a smile so I know I am not just annoying someone with my request.

For quite a few years my father used to switch on a night light just for me in the evening, so I wouldn’t stumble over anything should I get up at night. I will always love him for that and for so much, much more just like my mum. All these things I wrote down now feel like little night lights in my life, who make the darkness a little brighter and the coming days a little more bearable and worth living.

So I hope all these people have a wonderful life and get all the happiness and thankfulness back. They deserve it. Every single one of them.

-signed A

It happened again

After all I lied to everyone’s face. If they ask, I just stand there, telling them nothing is wrong. ‘It’s just me’ I say. ‘It will pass.’ It will. And so will I.

To be completely honest I am disgusted by this situation. Disgusted by the people around me, the world, myself. I wish I could say it can’t reach me. I wish I could say I don’t care. But that would be just another lie and I promised myself to get through this another way.

Maybe after all, I will need to be honest, lay the cards on the table and let the others decide whether I am weak or incredibly strong.

A sad excuse

Why is it so hard to tell the truth? To just tell people about how you feel and what motivates you, what you care and wish for. What hurt you the most… Why do people always try to hide who they really are, leaving their skeletons in their closets, hoping no one would ever gonna open it up and see them. And if somebody asks, if someone really cares to know… why can we not just accept our faults and lay them open. Why is it so hard to make yourself vulnerable?

The fact, that nobody knows about it doesn’t change how hurt or vulnerable you really are. It just makes things so much more difficult. You take so much effort in trying to hide things or feelings that might –  in the end – not even be that weird or difficult to understand in the first place. Still you hide them with such intense passion, leaving you exhausted and forced to lie just to keep your façade still intact. You build a construct full of lies just to make people see that you, you are invulnerable. That you don’t care what others do or say, that you are healthy and have no skeletons – probably not even closets to hide them in.

I don’t know what to think anymore. Neither do I know what to do and what to say. My last few days consisted of straight nothingness with occasional thoughts and guilt about how much time I actually had to fix my life or do something productive. But next week my life’s gonna start again. Full time. I’ll be at work again. I should muster up my energy and take hold of the time I still have. I can’t though. Somethings always holding me back…

I’m tired… So tired… Always needing to be strong for someone else… What about me though? Am I losing myself in this? Am I already gone? Where does life take me?

Soon enough I’ll need an answer to this question. I don’t want to die. But doing what I’m doing now… I don’t think I actually have a good enough excuse to live either…

I need a change of pace. I need energy and passion. But where do I get it from? I obviously am no longer capable of “living life to the fullest” though my parents would be devastated to hear that. Sometimes I feel far too lost, far too ridiculous, far too lazy, too quiet, too stupid, too unimportant. Pack these things all up and you’ll get me in a nutshell. Or maybe it’s just this voice inside my head that keeps telling me lies about myself and everyone else. I wish I could drown it out. Then again I wish for many things.

I seriously need to get myself up. I need to do something, to prove myself something, anything, whatever makes me feel better. I suppose I will try. Maybe I will fail but the attempt might be more than enough and perhaps something amazing will come out of it.

Wish me luck.

– signed A

The fault in being mediocre

Hello guys!

These thoughts I’m going to write down now are running through my head regularly but the last few weeks had some pretty hard experiences for me in store that made me realize I’m not ready to keep my head up high reguarding this topic.

Nobody ever wants to feel mediocre, right? Everyone wants to be cheerished and mean something to the world around him. As do I. I especially feel like I need this since I’m so often in self-doubt it hurts to look at myself sometimes… After all I am 25, haven’t done much in my life. I might be good at some things but everything I do, I never manage to be better than mediocre. More often than not I hate the stuff I create and when I actually do manage to produce something I might be proud of for a little while someone else comes right around the corner and the world cheers for the exact same effort or creation just made so much better. So much more noticeable. It doesn’t matter whether I can sing or not. The person right next to me is bound to be complimented before anyone cares to listen to my song.

I thought I came to terms with this quite some time ago but apparently I haven’t. The world seems to neglect me and the people around me do such a great job following in it’s footsteps. Everyone else seems so much more important. At some point everyone seems to forget about me. I’m always too quiet, too stern, too timid. I should be louder, should be more careless. I should be brave. I know they don’t notice. I know they don’t mean it that way. It just happens. And in the end I always seem to think it is my own fault. Being mediocre AND introverted never is a good mix. It hurts to write about it but I need to get this out of my head.

The last setback I received happened this saturday at a barbeque I already didn’t know whether I wanted to attend it or not anyway. The one before that was on thursday. In german we would call this: Geballte Ladung. But anyway…I don’t think anyone noticed what was wrong with me. Nobody guessed it anyway but the thought is so present and so hurtful I don’t know how long I can keep this all inside.

I yearn to mean something to the world around me. I want to give something to the people and get a little something back in return. I want to feel important and worth something. To be noticed. I yearn to get cheerished once in my life before somebody else does. I don’t always want to hear the half meant attachement “Oh and you were great too” anymore. It hurts too much to listen to it. It hurts that nobody actually sees the hurt beneath my mask either, when something like this happens.

But all I do is good for nothing. It’s not missed, it’s not something worth waiting for, even if I tell someone about it. When was the last time somebody really asked me how I felt? And meant the question, awaited an honest answer? When was the last time I was standing in the middle of the crowd if only for one minute and nobody else took away their attention from me? When was the last time I spoke up about this?

It’s like I have given up even if I try hard not to… But even if I try…there’s always something getting in my way. Not necessarily my depression but other more unpredictable matters. I don’t have anything worth to show to the world. I don’t seem to have a place, I don’t seem to have a plan and nobody would care to see either of it. I know they say there’s always someone who’s bound to be better than you are but why must they always be someone I’m close to, I’m bound to collide with. My sister, my best friend, my colleague at work…

The world always tells you to be nice to people, to patronize and be happy for these people because everything else would be selfish and childish and not everything revolves around you. Yes. In fact, nothing revolves around me. And I do feel happy for them in some way. It’s just that it hurts too, see them succeeding in something I love and not just because they worked for it. After all I’m the one standing in the back, trying hard to get to the front once in a while just for a split second. I am the one who feels like every move and effort is in vain even if you put all your heart into it because somebody will always snatch the laurels from me. I know not everything revolves around me. I don’t want the whole world to notice me. I just want the people I like to see my efforts and cheerish my talents for what they are. I want them to see and listen when I have something to show or to tell. Not to be talked over. Not to stand in the shadows. Is that too much to ask?

It’s funny somehow. I kind of feel like Salieri in the movie Amadeus. You want so much to be noticed, not only to receive but to give but nobody cares enough to see. And it hurts even more if someone comes along and with such grace and as casual as possible shows you how it’s done properly and even though you try so hard… Nobody appreciates you and your efforts. As if you never mattered in the first place. I really try so hard to be seen. It’s just hard to keep going when you know nothings gonna change anytime soon…

There is so much more to be said about this but for now this is all I can write. I might come back to this topic soon though. I feel like summer is gonna be full of situations that make me feel this way.

Until then…take care.

– signed A

Whatever‘s left

Before you ask: Yes, I’m still lurking around in this bottomless pit. ‘Maybe though’, I said to myself, ‘Maybe my plastic life – the one that I’m living right now – is not gonna stop me from doing something productive at least today.’ So far so good: A new post is in the making. Although I am not really sure what the writing process will bring.

If you care to know about what happened between me and my friend then I am sad to say we have talked and have not come to a convenient, fulfilling answer. Or at least I haven’t. It’s still weird and I’m still wondering what to do about it. The only difference now is, that she knows I find it weird. Currently – or rather would it not be for my post – we would be talking about it again and I am still trying to find out whether I am just too sensitive to everything right now. To be honest though, I always thought I knew what was going on around me (mostly my friends, not everyone else) and I’d be really pissed to find out, this time my mind played a trick on me because “HAHAHA all the old stuff is, well…getting old!”

I just feel the need to not be as close to her as I used to be. I should never be closer to a person than the person is to me – if this sentence actually makes any sense… It makes me uncomfortable. Vulnerable. Last time I was too stupid, too slow, to see my best friend found other things and people to attend to and I was benched. As soon as I found out and turned my back on her she regretted it but it was already too late to change. Let’s just say: It hurt a goddamn lot. Imagine a harvester running over your everything. Twice. I told myself I was strong back then. I tended to my wounds and helped myself up. I also swore to myself that this would never ever happen again this way. I would be the one to let go first, if necessary. When it’s your own decision you can at least prepare yourself for the pain.

Regarding my down I reached recently… It’s not gone yet. I had some really hard days where pulling through was all I could do. A good friend of mine was there for me on Saturday evening and it got really late. We ate strawberries, talked a whole lot, drank some wine… Today was/is a hard day. I honestly hope life gets easier again in a few days – hopefully tomorrow? (Pretty please???) And finally I would know what to think of that situation with my friend… Maybe, just maybe in order for me to grow up, I need to say goodbye to this friendship. After all, this is the only reason I feel like acting like a child sometimes… We’ll see what happens next.

So yeah… changing subject: I was also thinking about putting some of my…supercute drawings on my blog. Before you ask: No, I can not draw and the ‘supercute’ was more of a sarcastic element in this sentence. I really thought about it though. Not just drawings but some that fit to the story. My favorite blog on the internet does this all the time and I feel like it could be a nice addition. I might just try it out next time. As for this time: I am unprepared. But I also really want this to be a fix thing now. I’ll try to be posting once every other week at least and give a little update or talk about whatever I consider fitting haha. Or you just let me know what you want to know or care to hear me talk or rant about =) I’d be honored to fulfill some requests.

Until my next post…take care!

– signed A

I think I’ve seen a ghost

Apparently the long pause of text messages between my friend and me has not been the beginning of a new era. Or maybe it has but on Sunday it didn’t really seem like that big of a deal to me anymore – at least not overall. So I decided to send her a pic I had promised to send her before. Just the pic without any text. She wrote back almost immediately and we talked a little more after that. It felt okay.

Then, yesterday at work she wrote me in chat – yeah we do have a chat function which is very cool if you have secret stuff you want to talk about – if everything was fine and we basically sorted it out. Kind of. Look, I know I am a weird, twisted person and her words were reassuring but I still feel like I need to step back a bit. She told me about how she thought about all our fights and that she probably wanted too much. It was really funny to read because she expressed the exact same thoughts I did, when I was writing my last post. You know…all the ‘you’re gonna push the person you love away and stuff’. Go read it, if you haven’t already. For a moment I honestly thought she read my entry but then there is absolutely no way since I have never ever told her the name or anything else connected to this blog. She knows it exists and that it’s a lot about my condition and stuff but that’s all. Has she found it? Probably not. Hopefully not haha. God, I really hope not…

Well, I digress. For years and years we were having the same discussions over and over again. Me wanting more alone time, me wanting to decide whether I write back the moment I get the message. Me wanting to go out with people and not having to tell her, when I do so. Me wanting to have some privacy and not tell her every little thing that happens or ever happened in my life. She always felt hurt about that. I wasn’t allowed to keep secrets of the past. Me refusing to give her every part of me was a huge problem but I was not able to do it. And to be completely honest, I didn’t want to either.

You see…the problem with a person you love so much, but who is loved by others much more than yourself almost all the time is that you are bound to feel jealous at some point. Even though you hate yourself for it. You start to feel not good enough. You keep looking at that person you love so much and start to feel hate and guilt at the same time because she is oh so perfect and everyone sees her and likes her so much more. How cool she is and her hobbies are so special and OH! You see how stunning she looks?! She’s better at everything, makes people laugh, gets invitations to every party. Luck follows her around wherever she goes and just to cut a little deeper, she is diligent too, getting much more stuff done than you ever could.

She seems to beat you in every effing section in life, be it creativity, social matters, luck, work, the list goes on and the worst part is that none of this is really her fault. It hurts to see this but I also know I can’t blame her for being liked. Don’t get me wrong. There definitely ARE people around here that like me too, I just need a little more time to come out of my shell and unfortunately society doesn’t grant you said needed time. They go for whoever fits first and I am sad to say, it is always her. You get home after what was supposed to be a really fun night out and all you can think of is ‘why is she so much more successful than you are? Am I not loveable enough?’ You push back the tears and the frustration and need to remind yourself every minute that ‘No, it is not your best friends fault.’ Neither is it yours. That’s just how things are. It still hurts though…

To be exact here… I NEVER blamed this on her. i never even said this to her face but I cannot say, that she has never felt my sadness about this in other ways. Most of the time I just give up, go quiet and distance myself a little to try picking myself up again. Now just imagine being confronted by this five days a week, if not 24/7. Every time you do something together. You go out, you go shopping, you meet up with friends… This voice in my head that keeps telling me I can’t ever reach this height is always present. Sometimes it whispers. Sometimes it screams into my ears. But it is always there, never silent.

I always thought to myself when we had these said discussions, that at least I can see her own faults now. I know she has some and they show themselves once in a while. At least SHE loved me more than anyone else. SHE thought I could do stuff better. SHE didn’t care about other peoples attention, as long as she had mine. SHE thought i was beautiful and yeah, to me that mattered a lot. The person who is so much more loved by others, loved me above everyone else. It gave me a little comfort. Only that yesterday she told me, that now she finally understood what I meant. That I was right all along, when I said, I need my own space, that she will just brush it off, if for some reason i would not write back for a few hours for whatever reasons. She doesn’t care whether I go out with friends and not tell her. Sure, she would like to know but it’s fine if it just doesn’t come up.

Sounds awesome right? I got what I always wanted. Part of me is happy about it – also because I know how hard it sometimes was for her. So yeah. It is awesome. Only that…the change felt so sudden. Not only that, I feel like she is slipping away from me. She told me that was absolutely not the case but after all she was the one who basically kicked me out two weeks prior in a nice way because she had some plans with her dad working in the apartment. She also didn’t seem too excited when I asked her if she wanted me to stay a day longer at her home last thursday. Also we used to write a whole lot in the evenings over text message. Now as soon as the evening starts I can be happy about what? 5 messages? She doesn’t ask me to come over, she stopped asking me about my day… Everything just…stopped or changed. Don’t get me wrong now, I am happy for her if she feels better now but I cannot help but feel confused about all this. She tells me everything is fine. Her feelings regarding me haven’t changed but why does it feel so different then? Am I really that paranoid? Does she care to her life without me more, because she feels like that’s what she needs? She told me that’s not what it is.

I know I am doing exactly what I shouldn’t. The toxic behaviour hasn’t stopped lol. The only difference is, I never told her about me sometimes thinking exactly the same things she was. I just tended to my own projects, cared about my own life and tried exactly what I already wrote in the last entry: To remind myself that my life is beautiful and not lost without her in it. I feel like this is still the way to go for me. It might be a hard way but in the end…if this is where we’re going – and to me, even though she says nothing in her behaviour has changed, this is exactly where we’re going – then I won’t be the one fighting against it. I will grow with the challenge. I did it once before.

So yeah, I’ll just stick to my plan. Writing less, seeing her less, just getting a feeling of where she might just spring into action again. Once again I don’t think I’m seeing ghosts. Yeah I know that her change of thoughts about this is new to me and I need to get used to my newly won freedom. But that’s not all there is to it. I feel like somewhere we are drifting apart and since I learned, that you need to go quite a distance before you can drift back together, rather than trying to follow and pushing and pulling to get back where you once were, this is the way for me to go.

Please wish me luck, that all this works out fine and that soon, I’ll get behind all this. Tomorrow night at least, I’ll be home safe and sound. Unexpected, but so it will be.

That’s all folks – I need to head to bed. Until next time…take care!

– signed A