Originally I wanted to write a resume for last year but thinking about it I do not want to dwell too much on most of the things that happened. It hasn’t been bad altogether but there have been some extraordinary changes and most of them have yet to be resolved. Some I took a part in and still do, others I have no control over and, well, some might also be of the sort you could actually make an effort to change but wish you couldn’t.
The bad stuff that happened regarding my parents ripped a hole in family life. It’s not as bad as it could be – at least not on most of the days – but it is still taking a toll on me. I tried my best to help. Nothing’s changed. Seeing my mum hurt so much tears me to pieces though…
And god, I can’t believe this dilemma with my former best friend continued on for so long now, we’re gonna have anniversary soon. Just not the good kind. Fighting anniversary. It’s been over two months – almost three now since I’ve last stayed over night. There are times where I miss the old relationship we had. Like when I’m watching a good movie or do something we used to talk about. Then there are times where I am just too disappointed and repulsed by most of the things she has said and done to me in the past weeks/months. I kinda want to resolve things and get back to normal whatever normal is but then I find the thought of me getting closer again quite alarming. Right now I feel fine when I do not dwell too much on the things we had. Why change that and put myself in danger once again?
“Leave the memories alone. I don’t want to see the way it is as to how it used to be.” (Fuel – Leave the memories alone) It’s lyrics from a song I really like and they fit perfectly. It’s exactly that. Just pretend you don’t notice. Don’t help yourself to remember. Don’t remember at all for now. It’s so weird not having to say anything to the one person you wanted to tell everything just a few weeks/months prior. It’s also weird to think about all this and not feel hurt anymore but that’s exactly what’s happening. A friend told me a few days ago “You don’t hurt anymore. You just feel sad. But that’s when you know you start to heal.” She’s right. If I really wanted I could take the last step and move on for good without her.
Regarding work there was good and bad stuff. The good was me getting my promotion, the bad that the promotion turned out a pain in the *** a few months later. I am not stuck with it. I have the chance to leave my team behind me and take on a new chapter but I do not know whether I am ready for that or not. I want so much to go back to college but getting another job would mean working more hours. As much as I fought until now, I am not sure I can handle more hours plus college… But it’s just one of many opportunities that will open up, right? The new year has just started. No one knows what it will hold in store for me.
A good thing is that I actually made peace with someone from my past and we write once in a while, taking each other back to when it was just us and a big secret we still share. I feel a little more free now because sometimes this still lingered on my mind. Knowing I was not the only one helps.
I also started taking singing lessons and I like it so far =) Although I know I will never want to become a professional singer I just want to be good at it and the lessons help me to feel better about myself. Apparently I also have a range of four octaves which – with training, obviously – I could learn to control and use for all these beautiful songs out there I always wanted to sing but couldn’t.
And then I have found a new friend. The irony behind him is, that we befriended each other that exact day where I refused to go to the party of my former best friend after a fight we had. I just wasn’t sure whether it mattered if I came or not so I decided to arrive late and not stay for too long. I told her I would arrive late, went to a friend’s house to talk and cool down. She however had invited someone else too and we ended up drinking and chatting. Staying that long at my friends house caused a huge fight because I did arrive late to the party just like I said I would and helped drive in a nail into the coffin of my former friendship. But I do not regret a thing. M and I stayed in contact since then and he introduced me to a new video game I love now and have parties regularly. I trust him. He likes me a lot too =)
“And when you slammed the front door shut, a lot of others opened up” (Daughtry – Over you) One friendship almost ended that day – it was huge drama after that, I can tell you that much – another one started. I even celebrated New Years Eve with M and his friends, spent the whole next day with him and his girlfriend. Something that was always a thing for me and my former best friend. I don’t regret it. I had one of the best NYE ever. EVER. Honestly. Not only because I love homparties and grew fond of the people there but because of taking a midnight walk, having fun on the way home, going on the swings and looking at the stars and finally staying in bed the whole day after watching shows and movies with someone who cares about me and wanted me to see them.
Maybe this really was a new beginning. I’ll hold these memories dear to me. They may not sound special to anyone else in this world. Laughable even. To me they mean something and remembering how I felt that day makes me smile. I hope it will continue to do that forever.
Oh well, I’m sure soon I’m gonna have something else to talk about. And if not, I’ll just think of something. I didn’t want to have another month-gap in this blog but December was pretty busy for me and I didn’t feel too well so I hope you don’t mind.
Until next time…take care and all the best of luck for this year!
– signed A