Surprise! Another year later – but I keep coming back. I wish I had good news but to be honest things got worse last summer only a few days after I wrote my last post on here. (Ironic, isn’t it?) Family stuff. As if my own depression wasn’t enough already. I don’t even know how to describe what I went through in the last few months of 2021 but let me just tell you: It felt like a living nightmare. Looking back now I’m still not sure whether my detached emotions helped me through those times or made it worse. A little bit of both maybe, depending on the days and what aspect of it you look at. Everything felt surreal. I was unable to feel and if I felt anything at all it was exhaustion, irritation, resentment…
My doctor prescribed me pills and they kept me wide awake at night. My days truly had 24 hours no matter how tired I was. At first I was quite content with being able to do stuff again but I felt I was at the brink of losing my mind. The edge of despair. It got better after a few agonizing weeks. I started going to work again, used my holidays for recreation whenever I needed it.
I’m trying to think of when it all started getting better again even after I stopped taking the pills. I can’t remember. There was so much other stuff on my mind. I needed to be there for my mum – I still do. Sometimes I feel like I am not the only person she can really count on and confide in. I was on vacation twice and it helped me collect myself, even if we’re just talking about bits and pieces here and there. It’s better than nothing. I finally completed my thesis and finished university with perfect grades, which I am very proud of. But I’m still not where I want to be.
I do feel better. More stable now. But I’m far from okay. I’m far from feeling content or happy or hopeful. I still feel empty. After I logged in I read through some old posts and I’m sad to announce that after all this time, I could just copy paste one of the paragraphs and it would describe the way I feel perfectly. All the good emotions still slip through my fingers. I cannot hold onto any of them. And my mind is still my enemy as well, it seems.
So…what about my big plans? I am still working on them but after last years desasters I couldn’t be bothered to put myself under more pressure just because I wanted to see results. I did what I could, focused on the important tasks first and even though I’m glad to see that I did well with them, I had to sacrifice whatever was left of my sparce energy to complete them. So no – I cannot say much has changed but now that I graduated, I hope to find more time for sports, korean, dancing and singing again.
I also planned on finally finding my personal purpose in life. Wow, that sounds kinda cheesy but bear with me for a moment. I want to have something that makes me feel like all the effort I put in it, is worthwhile. I want to make a difference. Maybe just evidence that I indeed am doing something with my life. That I’m still here and I am learning and trying and convince myself that there is so much more to see and do and to life in general. Maybe that’s what I need to finally experience all these emotions I hope so desperately to find. I already have something in mind. It just takes so much effort and bravery to start. Well, at least in my books it’s a lot of effort and bravery.
Wish me luck.
and until next time…take care.
– signed A
Bottled up tight 