How to make it work

Hey guys. I’ve got a question for you.

Why are relationships so difficult? And I not only mean couples. I mean every single kind of relationship. Sisters and friends and even the one you have with yourself. It’s just not fun dealing with them. I’ve had so many set backs in relationships in my life, I couldn’t count them even if my life depended on it and I know I’m not the only one here.

And it’s not only that you need to take care of the ones you’re having with other people – there’s always that one friend or family member who has a problem and wants to ramble about it with you or needs your help or your advice. The world is full of relationship problems – it sometimes makes me wonder why we deal with them in the first place.

You know, I’m considering myself as a very weird person to deal with. I know I’m far from easy to handle but I’m giving my best even if – considering my psychological status – it might not come across as much. But still I’m trying. I like to think that everyone does. It’s just that sometimes its so hard to let go and understand. Or even if you understand the problem, it’s just so hard to change things. Sometimes change IS the death of said relationship. Sometimes you try but everything seems to be in vain and you keep wondering why you haven’t given up yet and can’t find the answer to that question anywhere. Or you don’t want to find it because you know it would hurt or just really screw you up in a very gross way.

Sometimes these tiny little problems show up without warning and before you even realize what you just did or said upset someone, you find yourself stricken in half hearted excuses or completely annoyed at the subject of said problem. Maybe you’ve already gone over it a thousand times and you keep claiming and discussing the same stuff to no avail. And soon enough you feel like someone or something stirs your feelings like a farmer would plow his field. It seems so wrong.

Like you can never make it right. Really right. And on the other hand no one can make it perfect for you. There’s always gonna be pain or distrust or resentment at some point. You never get over it. And the closer you get, the riskier it gets. These negative things feel like hurdles you can’t jump over. You just keep spinning around them to avoid them until you suddenly turn too sharply and it’s already too late to turn back or stir in another direction because you’ve been too close for that to begin with. It’s gonna take a while to get back to spinning around again. We in Austria call that Drahtseilakt. Feeling always on edge, feeling like everything can turn around in just a few seconds. It only takes one word, one gesture, one moment to ruin it all. At least for a little time.

Okay, maybe I’m being too dramatic here… It’s just that I’ve witnessed some pretty bad miscommunications and discussions over christmas and I feel sad for that. Sometimes you want so badly to make it right but you just…you just can’t. And you cannot make the other one understand either. There’s always a way if the two of you pull in the same direction. But as long as the relationship lasts, there’s always gonna be fighting material as well. The more time you spend together, the harder it gets. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt. I just hope it’s not too late. I hope we all can pull in the same direction. I hope we all have the strengh and the will to make it through.

…Just throwing that out there. I’m sorry for this out of context writing. I just needed to get that down I guess. It seems like this is gonna be my last post for this year. It’s certainly not gonna be my last ever. If I have any New Year resolutions it’s definitely to write more posts on here than just one for each month.

We’ll see how I get to that. I wish you all a Happy New Year. May your start be merrier than mine and until next time…take good care.

– signed A

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My Birthday week

Hey you guys!

I’ve got news!!! No, not THAT kind of news. But news nonetheless. First off… I couldn’t bring myself to see this doctor again. I just can’t and I feel like I’ve delayed it so much already, that I don’t even care anymore about what the specialist said. To me it doesn’t matter right now because I’m not as stressed out as I have been the last few years this time around. I just need to take care of myself. Because I know how I feel and that something is wrong but also, that I’ll be fine if I just care for myself in the ways I need. Who cares what a doctor is going to say anyway?? (As long as you don’t feel too bad, you don’t. I know you don’t.)

My birthday week(s) were awesome. My best friend gave her all to make these days the most exciting and wonderful I’ve had in a long time. She also took care of a few points on my bucket list I wanted to get rid of before I turned 25 but sadly never got around to. We had a huge party on Saturday from like 10 am to Sunday same time. All my best friends attended – not one of them (!!!) canceled, though one of them studies in another big city and she had to drive for 3 hours to get here. One was sick a little and two of them have a full time job and pets to take care of. I already wrote a post about people and attending parties these days – it was around last years New Years Eve. A desaster. You just can’t take anyones word anymore… But it worked for my birthday. And that was probably the best thing about it all.

Also even though not all my friends knew each other – everyone got along so well and they were keen on every activity we did. I mean everyone knows that one guy who comes along but doesn’t really seem to bother to get involved and everyone thinks he has a bad time, right? He’s just kinda there and nobody knows why. At that party no one was like that. The whole 24 hours we had fun. We went to a thermal spring, did some beauty masks so I would look good for the photo shooting, played games and went to a karaoke bar. Every single one of my friends sang. It was awesome. Having them over, chatting, laughing, just being with them all… I loved that day.

The next few days were sprinkled with adventures. Just small things like the photo shooting, a dinner and crime party, a personal scavenger hunt, going to an amusement arcade and a casino, a Segway drive… We also wanted to fly a kite since I can’t really remember doing it before but it for once it wasn’t nearly windy enough. We had a family party too since I wasn’t home for my real birthday, because on Friday we took off to Paris. I didn’t know where we’d go until I took off my blindfold right at the airport. To be honest I didn’t even expect we’d fly anywhere – I thought we’d be leaving by train. But no. There my best friend was, buying flights for the both of us, booked a hotel room with  a perfect view from the bed straight to the Eiffel Tower only a few hundred metres away. It was like a five minute walk. She thought about everything, bought a guidebook, booked a fancy dinnertable for two at the Ciel de Paris for my birthday evening. The food was great, I got free ice cream and a candle to blow out and the view was breathtaking. It was a wonderful birthday.

On the last day we let some sky lanterns fly in the night sky. It was so beautiful and magical that people actually stopped by to tell us how nice this idea was. By that time we had already seen the arc the triumph, notre dame, versailles, the louvre, the rue de rivoli and champs elysees, the pont alexandre, the bookstore Shakespeare and Company, the conciergerie  montmatre and of course Disneyland. Yes, I was tired ALL the time because there was so little time and so much to see but I loved every second of the trip despite the lack of sleep and exhaustion. The last thing we did was go up the Eiffel Tower. To say goodbye to Paris. I suppose I don’t have to tell you, the view was gorgeous.

Well… that was my birthday. A month has passed since then and iIstill remember it all clearly. The people were so nice, the public transport so very different and irritating, the houses so beautiful and I swear! On every corner we saw a pharmacy. On literally every corner. It was so weird. My feet never hurt so bad in my life, we ate subway almost every single day because of the high dinner prices and we enjoyed it. I learned a few french words, fought an amazing galactic battle in space, got a silhouette from montmatre of me… On my birthday we walked home all the way from Ciel de Paris back to our hotel (which had a rain shower by the way! I love those things!!) and that’s probably one of my favorite memories. Just talking casually, wandering through the streets, always the Eiffel Tower in sight – because obviously it marked our way home. I also got to buy my favorite french sweets. Carambas which are like long caramel candy bars. They taste delicious.

Anyway. I’m so thankful I got to experience all this just because my friends all consider me worth it. They consider me being with them enough, a good enough friend. Probably this is what gives me strengh to get through the last weeks of this year. Not saying there’s gonna come tough times again too. But for now I know my family and friends love me to make all these things for me, they care to see me happy and that’s what I’m grateful about the most.

For now that’s all I wanted to tell you. I’ll see to writing another update before this year ends. Until then… Take care!

– signed A

Good news! 2x

So I finally did it.

No, I didn’t call someone. Not yet. But(!) I managed to tell my doctor I might need to get a diagnose and he gave me a referral to a specialist whom I – once again – need to call. Yeah I know… But hey! This time I only have four weeks to do it, since my referral is dated. I just want to do it when nobody’s home. Tomorrow most likely.

I’ll get an appointment and keep telling myself after this appointment everything is gonna be alright. I know it will not. Stuff doesn’t just magically disappear once you’ve got to talk about it but I’m still sure the diagnose is at least gonna help me fix my remorse somehow.

Also I felt better the last few days. A little more energized – far from what I want to feel but I managed to write a little, meet up with friends, to get out more AND to finally getting my eyes lasered. I was stuck with contacts an glasses for such a long time now, I completely forgot how good it feels to be able to read EVERYTHING with my own eyes. Almost two weeks have passed now since I had the operation and it seemed to have worked pretty good. I look damn awful without glasses and no makeup on though. Makes me wonder if it was worth the money X) Just kidding, I know it was.

Maybe that’s the exact reason I feel a little better. Because I felt like a huge weight has been lifted off me – regardless on how ugly I feel without glasses, because duh I have never seen my reflection without it cearly in the mirror – and something actually worked in my life. Something happened and it was good and I was the one setting it up.I DID something, mostly on my own. (with the help of my mum who needed to pick me up afterwards and the doctors and stuff but who cares? It was my wish.) Also people cared. They wanted to know how I was, how the procedure felt, how I felt now. People cared. It’s a nice feeling. Having something to talk about, knowing somebody is interested. I know my head is seeing ghosts, that people cared about me before too. And I could see that, it was just not that obvious and sometimes obvious things are the ones that satisfy you the most.

I promise to keep you guys updated. Especially after the call tomorrow and the diagnose and stuff… I wanted to write sooner anyway but I couldn’t because my eyes were sore. Feeling better now though =) Today life is beautiful. I wonder if I just couldn’t see it before.

Promise to update soon, until then take good care!

– signed A

the time of my life

Hi,

man, keeping up with this blog is hard. I can’t believe my last entry was written over a month ago but I guess I have been busy with enjoying the sun or keeping my emotions and foul thoughts in check. As you can probably guess, I still have not contacted anyone. Spring is making things easier for me even though it’s still a struggle getting myself out of bed in the morning, to work and then being productive over the rest of the day. Or at least productive for some time of the day… But yeah, work is okay. I finally feel competent and theres only few customers I don’t get along with – which tbh is not my fault. Most of them call to get their anger out of them and I’m just the poor worker receiving their calls. But that’s things I’m just brushing off. Other than that it’s fine.

Something else happened though. On March the 17th my grandad died. I was at work when I received a message from my dad who was at the hospital with him. I can’t exactly describe how I felt but if I had to I would say I felt detached from my own body in some weird, twisted way. Like a plastic doll, just breathing and moving, but not actually feeling anything. I saw the message on my phone and didn’t dare touch it for the next three hours because I didn’t want the message to pop up again. As long as it wasn’t open it was not true. But eventually I had to face it. After a ten minutepause I went back to work like nothing happened. And there was nothing I could do. He was already gone and my life would continue and to be honest I felt really bad for not wanting my life. For thinking about stopping to exist so often that it’s hard to get anything done at all. My grandad had just stopped existing and everybody already missed him. He had a good life, had a clear mind until his death and even went shopping and got coupons just a day before he got to the hospital. He deserved to stop existing as soon as he wanted it just as much as he deserved to live for as long as he wanted. And there I am with mere 24 years and counting but not wanting to count anymore. What’s wrong with me? Something HAS to be wrong.

I’m doing fine for the moment. The way my dad talked about what happened in the hospital, I have a feeling like my grandad was okay with leaving. So though I’m sad, I’m fine knowing this. It makes me feel better, comforts me… And it also makes me see that I cannot, will not give up on life. Not that I really planned on stopping but it’s good to get a little push once in a while. 24 years and counting. I have to keep going just to see where life takes me. Because I should want to live and enjoy life. Because I love sunshine and the energetic feeling I have when I step outside of my workplace after my shift is over. Because of good books, tea, fandoms and movies, finding new friends, karaoke, chocolate milk and most of all because of my family. Moaning someone you love takes so much time and energy even when we already knew it was about time to say goodbye. I can’t imagine my family having to say goodbye to me. I will not let that happen. They mean too much to me for that.

So that’s it for now. Enjoy life while you can. You never know when it will be over.

Until next time, take care…

– signed A

I call them sad days…

It’s 12:30 pm and guess what… I’m still in bed. I’ve been awake for probably two hours now and my god, I couldn’t get up even if my life depended on it. Which is kinda funny because one of my first thoughts was that stopping to exist would be awesome right now, so it wouldn’t necessarily feel like a bad thing. Buuut I couldn’t do that to my family anyway.

Maybe I’m overthinking too much. Yesterday evening I thought about a lot of things. About starting my new job on january the second and how it’s gonna work out with me being a downer most of the time in winter. As soon as the sun is up and strong I feel energized enough to at least get up and feed myself. But when the only thing greeting me is grey clouds and rain and coldness… Come on, who wouldn’t rather stay in bed? I digress again.

I was also thinking about my sister who married someone in october I can’t quite put my finger on. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for her as long as she’s happy but it’s quite rare that I don’t know what to make of people. He’s a human being with lots and lots of extremes and contradictions and as it turned out my parents think so too. We are sceptical about this guy because he’s not telling us anything about his past which apparently was reaaally rough and his actions just don’t seem to go hand in hand with what he says. But how do you explain that to a newlywed bride, who has a difficult character to begin with? Also my parents paid for half of the wedding (with his parents taking the other half) which means, the couple didn’t have to pay a single cent pretty much and never gave them a big thank you or anything. Just effing flowers. Can you believe that?? It was a costly wedding, they got loads of money but didn’t think they should maybe thank their parents for that? All that seriously bothers me. I know it gives my parents a hard time and I guess I don’t want my family to fall apart at some point. My sister and I for other reasons are on the brink to that anyway. But that’s another story.

And then there’s problem number one. My best friend set things im motion shortly after my birthday and I knew it would be a whole avalanche coming down on me. See, we’ve been having lots of small problems over the past one to two years and they aaall build up and now we had something like a fallout in november and lets just say it’s different now. She claims she wants everything to go back to normal but do I want that? To be honest, right now I don’t feel anything when I think about our time together. I know it was awesome and I couldn’t get enough at that time. Hell, I was halfway moving in with her! But the truth is, I saw it coming. There were so many cracks in our friendship already that this fallout and all the little things and secrets, which had finally been brought to daylight, broke apart what I had desperately tried to hold on to. And now I don’t know what to do. All this deserves an extra chapter and I’ll write about it pretty soon. I just wanted to get something down.

So what to make of this day now? At some point I will have to get up. I’m thinking about calling a doctor again but I don’t know who and there isn’t a good helpline as far as I know. Also I feel embarrassed… I know at the end of the day I will still not have called anyone at all even if I’m sure today help would be a good thing. But I won’t call. I’ll just get myself through the day wondering if it’s just me being lazy or overdramatic and feeling even more embarrassed tomorrow or start all over again. I kinda feel like the guy in Groundhog Day. Except I COULD change something. I just don’t.

Okay, I’m gonna get up now. It took me half an hour to write all this haha. But I feel like it helped. I wish you all a very pleasant day and more energy than I can find for myself right now. I’ll write again soon and then I might go into detail. Until then…

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A