So I finally did it.
No, I didn’t call someone. Not yet. But(!) I managed to tell my doctor I might need to get a diagnose and he gave me a referral to a specialist whom I – once again – need to call. Yeah I know… But hey! This time I only have four weeks to do it, since my referral is dated. I just want to do it when nobody’s home. Tomorrow most likely.
I’ll get an appointment and keep telling myself after this appointment everything is gonna be alright. I know it will not. Stuff doesn’t just magically disappear once you’ve got to talk about it but I’m still sure the diagnose is at least gonna help me fix my remorse somehow.
Also I felt better the last few days. A little more energized – far from what I want to feel but I managed to write a little, meet up with friends, to get out more AND to finally getting my eyes lasered. I was stuck with contacts an glasses for such a long time now, I completely forgot how good it feels to be able to read EVERYTHING with my own eyes. Almost two weeks have passed now since I had the operation and it seemed to have worked pretty good. I look damn awful without glasses and no makeup on though. Makes me wonder if it was worth the money X) Just kidding, I know it was.
Maybe that’s the exact reason I feel a little better. Because I felt like a huge weight has been lifted off me – regardless on how ugly I feel without glasses, because duh I have never seen my reflection without it cearly in the mirror – and something actually worked in my life. Something happened and it was good and I was the one setting it up.I DID something, mostly on my own. (with the help of my mum who needed to pick me up afterwards and the doctors and stuff but who cares? It was my wish.) Also people cared. They wanted to know how I was, how the procedure felt, how I felt now. People cared. It’s a nice feeling. Having something to talk about, knowing somebody is interested. I know my head is seeing ghosts, that people cared about me before too. And I could see that, it was just not that obvious and sometimes obvious things are the ones that satisfy you the most.
I promise to keep you guys updated. Especially after the call tomorrow and the diagnose and stuff… I wanted to write sooner anyway but I couldn’t because my eyes were sore. Feeling better now though =) Today life is beautiful. I wonder if I just couldn’t see it before.
Promise to update soon, until then take good care!
– signed A
man, keeping up with this blog is hard. I can’t believe my last entry was written over a month ago but I guess I have been busy with enjoying the sun or keeping my emotions and foul thoughts in check. As you can probably guess, I still have not contacted anyone. Spring is making things easier for me even though it’s still a struggle getting myself out of bed in the morning, to work and then being productive over the rest of the day. Or at least productive for some time of the day… But yeah, work is okay. I finally feel competent and theres only few customers I don’t get along with – which tbh is not my fault. Most of them call to get their anger out of them and I’m just the poor worker receiving their calls. But that’s things I’m just brushing off. Other than that it’s fine.
Something else happened though. On March the 17th my grandad died. I was at work when I received a message from my dad who was at the hospital with him. I can’t exactly describe how I felt but if I had to I would say I felt detached from my own body in some weird, twisted way. Like a plastic doll, just breathing and moving, but not actually feeling anything. I saw the message on my phone and didn’t dare touch it for the next three hours because I didn’t want the message to pop up again. As long as it wasn’t open it was not true. But eventually I had to face it. After a ten minutepause I went back to work like nothing happened. And there was nothing I could do. He was already gone and my life would continue and to be honest I felt really bad for not wanting my life. For thinking about stopping to exist so often that it’s hard to get anything done at all. My grandad had just stopped existing and everybody already missed him. He had a good life, had a clear mind until his death and even went shopping and got coupons just a day before he got to the hospital. He deserved to stop existing as soon as he wanted it just as much as he deserved to live for as long as he wanted. And there I am with mere 24 years and counting but not wanting to count anymore. What’s wrong with me? Something HAS to be wrong.
I’m doing fine for the moment. The way my dad talked about what happened in the hospital, I have a feeling like my grandad was okay with leaving. So though I’m sad, I’m fine knowing this. It makes me feel better, comforts me… And it also makes me see that I cannot, will not give up on life. Not that I really planned on stopping but it’s good to get a little push once in a while. 24 years and counting. I have to keep going just to see where life takes me. Because I should want to live and enjoy life. Because I love sunshine and the energetic feeling I have when I step outside of my workplace after my shift is over. Because of good books, tea, fandoms and movies, finding new friends, karaoke, chocolate milk and most of all because of my family. Moaning someone you love takes so much time and energy even when we already knew it was about time to say goodbye. I can’t imagine my family having to say goodbye to me. I will not let that happen. They mean too much to me for that.
So that’s it for now. Enjoy life while you can. You never know when it will be over.
Until next time, take care…
– signed A
It’s 12:30 pm and guess what… I’m still in bed. I’ve been awake for probably two hours now and my god, I couldn’t get up even if my life depended on it. Which is kinda funny because one of my first thoughts was that stopping to exist would be awesome right now, so it wouldn’t necessarily feel like a bad thing. Buuut I couldn’t do that to my family anyway.
Maybe I’m overthinking too much. Yesterday evening I thought about a lot of things. About starting my new job on january the second and how it’s gonna work out with me being a downer most of the time in winter. As soon as the sun is up and strong I feel energized enough to at least get up and feed myself. But when the only thing greeting me is grey clouds and rain and coldness… Come on, who wouldn’t rather stay in bed? I digress again.
I was also thinking about my sister who married someone in october I can’t quite put my finger on. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for her as long as she’s happy but it’s quite rare that I don’t know what to make of people. He’s a human being with lots and lots of extremes and contradictions and as it turned out my parents think so too. We are sceptical about this guy because he’s not telling us anything about his past which apparently was reaaally rough and his actions just don’t seem to go hand in hand with what he says. But how do you explain that to a newlywed bride, who has a difficult character to begin with? Also my parents paid for half of the wedding (with his parents taking the other half) which means, the couple didn’t have to pay a single cent pretty much and never gave them a big thank you or anything. Just effing flowers. Can you believe that?? It was a costly wedding, they got loads of money but didn’t think they should maybe thank their parents for that? All that seriously bothers me. I know it gives my parents a hard time and I guess I don’t want my family to fall apart at some point. My sister and I for other reasons are on the brink to that anyway. But that’s another story.
And then there’s problem number one. My best friend set things im motion shortly after my birthday and I knew it would be a whole avalanche coming down on me. See, we’ve been having lots of small problems over the past one to two years and they aaall build up and now we had something like a fallout in november and lets just say it’s different now. She claims she wants everything to go back to normal but do I want that? To be honest, right now I don’t feel anything when I think about our time together. I know it was awesome and I couldn’t get enough at that time. Hell, I was halfway moving in with her! But the truth is, I saw it coming. There were so many cracks in our friendship already that this fallout and all the little things and secrets, which had finally been brought to daylight, broke apart what I had desperately tried to hold on to. And now I don’t know what to do. All this deserves an extra chapter and I’ll write about it pretty soon. I just wanted to get something down.
So what to make of this day now? At some point I will have to get up. I’m thinking about calling a doctor again but I don’t know who and there isn’t a good helpline as far as I know. Also I feel embarrassed… I know at the end of the day I will still not have called anyone at all even if I’m sure today help would be a good thing. But I won’t call. I’ll just get myself through the day wondering if it’s just me being lazy or overdramatic and feeling even more embarrassed tomorrow or start all over again. I kinda feel like the guy in Groundhog Day. Except I COULD change something. I just don’t.
Okay, I’m gonna get up now. It took me half an hour to write all this haha. But I feel like it helped. I wish you all a very pleasant day and more energy than I can find for myself right now. I’ll write again soon and then I might go into detail. Until then…
Have a good day and take care.
– signed A