Thoughts don’t come in order

Today I don’t even know why I sit here. There is so much to write about but none of it is fun or remotely positive so I would love to just skip it. Also my thoughts are in such a disarray…where to start?

First off, one of my friends is going to move to the US. That’s a long way away from here and I will miss her a lot. The moment could almost not be worse but well, I am happy for her and it will still take some time. For her though I hope everything turns out how she always wanted it to be.

Also, this was the first birthday that I didn’t spend with my former best friend. And there’s even more to this: We didn’t even celebrate. She asked me loosely about it but it never happened and now I kinda don’t want to anymore. I knew at some point this would happen but it still is a strange feeling.

It’s also still pretty weird between us both. She still does not get my point of view and even if, she got too selfish to help me out of this mess that I am in now. I don’t trust her anymore. I don’t know her anymore. I miss the person I used to know not who she is right now. And I am not getting the vibes that she wants me to get to know her. Obviously that’s because she tells me she didn’t even change much. Well, how am I supposed to know? All I know she has a ton of new hobbies I am no part of. She has a ton of friends she’s going out with rather than asking me whether I want to spend some time on one particular day with her. And she got pretty selfish. It all became so negative in such a little timespan. So…we don’t spend time together and what little time we spend might or might not be spent fighting and that’s not helpful at all. Or I am trying hard not to fall into old habits. Or I keep thinking about how someone could have changed that way. Anyway…do not get me wrong. I changed too – I am pretty sure of that and I do make use of the newly won freedom meeting up with friends, finding new hobbies, working on myself and my future. But right now she just doesn’t get that I have absolutely no motivation to share my life with a stranger rather than a real friend.

Wow, I have written far to much in this topic since opening up this blog. It doesn’t seem to get old. I wish it would just stop.

My parents are fighting again too. I hate it. Right now I can only count on myself and some friends I haven’t yet introduced you to and – to be completely honest – I might never actually. They have been here for me for years now. Twelve years and counting, to be exact. I love them, I know for a fact that they love me back and whenever I need them, they are here. I trust them like no one else in this world and beyond that.

Thanks for being here for me. Thanks for helping me through the mess that I call my life. Sometimes – even in bad times – it’s a party. I love you all…

Well, that’s that. I just had the feeling I needed to get this out. A longer update will follow shortly – I promise. It’s just too late for that now and also, like I said, my thoughts don’t come in order. It wouldn’t be fun reading them at all. So until next time – take good care.

– signed A

Advertisements

My little night lights

Thanks to the the person on train who asked if I was feeling unwell, because he saw how pale and shortwinded I was, while all the other passengers just looked away pretending not to see that something was wrong.

Thanks to the nice lady at the drugstore who let me pay my stuff before her at her cash because I have been standing in my line forever before it got closed for no good reason and she saw that I was in a hurry already.

Thanks to the lady directly in front of me in line, who persisted on me accepting her five euro note because ‘young girls obviously had more good use for it than she did’ just because I helped her figuring out what kind of ticket she needed.

Thanks to the nice bus driver who didn’t let me continue to stand in the cold rain when I was twelve years old because I had neither a ticket nor money. He got me to the next train station safely without any charge. I didn’t even have to ask. He just opened the door and said ‘come in and sit down’

Thanks to all the people who call me in the service line and appreciate me trying to help them and actually telling me at the end of our call that I was competent and they were happy with my service. These are the people I go to work for.

A big thanks to the wonderful man who noticed my open bagpack and instead of just reaching in and pulling out my wallet (which he could have easily reached) he told me about it so I could close it. Years later I am still in awe and super thankful about this.

Thanks so much to the tough woman behind me at the concert who intently held back the crowd from literally squashing me just because everyone else wanted to be in the front too. She made the concert 1000* better. Without her I would have had bruises all over. When I thanked her after and wanted to buy her a drink she just smiled and told me ‘Just do something good for someone else. That’s all I want.’

Thanks to that one man who I asked desperately and out of fear at night whether he would walk with me just a few feet around the next corner, because there was an obviously drunk and aggravated man,  who had a lookout for women, right where I had to pass. The young man didn’t only say yes, he actually walked me to my doorway to make sure I got there safely. He held a respectable distance and I have to say I enjoyed our smalltalk along the way.

Thanks also to the man at the call center of the fire brigade, who I called when me and my former best friend had been chased by a man out in the woods. In my panic I called the wrong number but even so the man talked to us calmly and continued to stay on the phone for over fifteen minutes to make sure we were okay and he didn’t need to send us any help. I know it’s his job but I am still so thankful.

Thanks to all the employees in shops who – when I ask for their opinion – actually tell me the truth instead of what’s best for the company so I can figure out the best deal for me.

Thanks to my team leader who doesn’t just expects me to do my job properly – like most of them would – but continues to compliment me on my work. Just today a message randomly popped up on my computer telling me I had a great english accent and she loves my polite conversational skills. She probably has no idea how motivating this is.

Thanks to everyone else who let me skip them in line and not just nodded but smiled at me, as if to say ‘I don’t just accept your annoying request but I’m happy to help.’ It does happen and everytime I find myself thinking the world is not so bad after all.

Thanks to everyone who makes me feel welcome and loved. Even though I cannot always love myself.

Thanks to my family who doesn’t really understand what’s wrong but keeps track of my emotions and tries to help me in their own way when they sense something is wrong.

Thanks so much to my friends who know I may not stay in touch all the time, but I always come back to them so they are not concerned with it nor do they reproach me for this. Thanks also to them for not leaving me behind or forgetting me while I need my alone time.

And of course thanks for all the little things. The smiles you get when you pass someone by. The compliments on your outfit or how your hair is done. Thanks for leaving me the place to sit on train because you see I have a lot to carry. Thanks for taking the time to help me find my way if I am lost on the street. Thanks for grabbing that one item from the highest shelf in the shop when I cannot reach it. Thanks for helping me with my baggage if it seems too heavy for myself to get it stored properly. Thanks for clapping after I sang my song in the karaoke bar and telling me I have a great voice. Thanks for doing this all with a smile so I know I am not just annoying someone with my request.

For quite a few years my father used to switch on a night light just for me in the evening, so I wouldn’t stumble over anything should I get up at night. I will always love him for that and for so much, much more just like my mum. All these things I wrote down now feel like little night lights in my life, who make the darkness a little brighter and the coming days a little more bearable and worth living.

So I hope all these people have a wonderful life and get all the happiness and thankfulness back. They deserve it. Every single one of them.

-signed A

The fault in being mediocre

Hello guys!

These thoughts I’m going to write down now are running through my head regularly but the last few weeks had some pretty hard experiences for me in store that made me realize I’m not ready to keep my head up high reguarding this topic.

Nobody ever wants to feel mediocre, right? Everyone wants to be cheerished and mean something to the world around him. As do I. I especially feel like I need this since I’m so often in self-doubt it hurts to look at myself sometimes… After all I am 25, haven’t done much in my life. I might be good at some things but everything I do, I never manage to be better than mediocre. More often than not I hate the stuff I create and when I actually do manage to produce something I might be proud of for a little while someone else comes right around the corner and the world cheers for the exact same effort or creation just made so much better. So much more noticeable. It doesn’t matter whether I can sing or not. The person right next to me is bound to be complimented before anyone cares to listen to my song.

I thought I came to terms with this quite some time ago but apparently I haven’t. The world seems to neglect me and the people around me do such a great job following in it’s footsteps. Everyone else seems so much more important. At some point everyone seems to forget about me. I’m always too quiet, too stern, too timid. I should be louder, should be more careless. I should be brave. I know they don’t notice. I know they don’t mean it that way. It just happens. And in the end I always seem to think it is my own fault. Being mediocre AND introverted never is a good mix. It hurts to write about it but I need to get this out of my head.

The last setback I received happened this saturday at a barbeque I already didn’t know whether I wanted to attend it or not anyway. The one before that was on thursday. In german we would call this: Geballte Ladung. But anyway…I don’t think anyone noticed what was wrong with me. Nobody guessed it anyway but the thought is so present and so hurtful I don’t know how long I can keep this all inside.

I yearn to mean something to the world around me. I want to give something to the people and get a little something back in return. I want to feel important and worth something. To be noticed. I yearn to get cheerished once in my life before somebody else does. I don’t always want to hear the half meant attachement “Oh and you were great too” anymore. It hurts too much to listen to it. It hurts that nobody actually sees the hurt beneath my mask either, when something like this happens.

But all I do is good for nothing. It’s not missed, it’s not something worth waiting for, even if I tell someone about it. When was the last time somebody really asked me how I felt? And meant the question, awaited an honest answer? When was the last time I was standing in the middle of the crowd if only for one minute and nobody else took away their attention from me? When was the last time I spoke up about this?

It’s like I have given up even if I try hard not to… But even if I try…there’s always something getting in my way. Not necessarily my depression but other more unpredictable matters. I don’t have anything worth to show to the world. I don’t seem to have a place, I don’t seem to have a plan and nobody would care to see either of it. I know they say there’s always someone who’s bound to be better than you are but why must they always be someone I’m close to, I’m bound to collide with. My sister, my best friend, my colleague at work…

The world always tells you to be nice to people, to patronize and be happy for these people because everything else would be selfish and childish and not everything revolves around you. Yes. In fact, nothing revolves around me. And I do feel happy for them in some way. It’s just that it hurts too, see them succeeding in something I love and not just because they worked for it. After all I’m the one standing in the back, trying hard to get to the front once in a while just for a split second. I am the one who feels like every move and effort is in vain even if you put all your heart into it because somebody will always snatch the laurels from me. I know not everything revolves around me. I don’t want the whole world to notice me. I just want the people I like to see my efforts and cheerish my talents for what they are. I want them to see and listen when I have something to show or to tell. Not to be talked over. Not to stand in the shadows. Is that too much to ask?

It’s funny somehow. I kind of feel like Salieri in the movie Amadeus. You want so much to be noticed, not only to receive but to give but nobody cares enough to see. And it hurts even more if someone comes along and with such grace and as casual as possible shows you how it’s done properly and even though you try so hard… Nobody appreciates you and your efforts. As if you never mattered in the first place. I really try so hard to be seen. It’s just hard to keep going when you know nothings gonna change anytime soon…

There is so much more to be said about this but for now this is all I can write. I might come back to this topic soon though. I feel like summer is gonna be full of situations that make me feel this way.

Until then…take care.

– signed A

Mistakes were made

So, another month practically flew by and you have absolutely no idea how worrisome it has been. I screwed up at work twice – once because of my rather occupied mind and a second time because there was really important information, when I started my knew job, I should have gotten but didn’t. So practically it was not a 100% my fault. Also it was a misunderstanding and started not that good in the first place.

Well, the first fault I was able to completely obliterate once I found out about it and it was no big deal. The second one… You have no idea how much trouble I had keeping my mind from thinking about it. Keeping from feeling guilty about this one and playing the situation over and over in my mind, thinking it through to try and find out if I could have prevented anything from happening. To be honest, I’m sure I overreacted a little but there I was, having a really hard time with my family – the day before, I kept arguing with my parents about the whole situation…well…discuss, I would say. I was tired, exhausted, sad and distressed already and then this unfortunate incident occured and left me even more distressed. The first few days I could hardly think about anything else even though my team manager told me it really wasn’t that big of a deal. I do trust her but she wasn’t with me when it happened. She just trusted me when I said it was an honest mistake out of inexperience. Still – I can’t stress it enough. How am I supposed to know something nobody told me about in the first place when I started my job?

There’s a good chance she’ll get back to me about this – after all that’s what we said we would do but so far nothing has actually happened. I really do hope she just lets it fall. The only thing that sums the consequences of this mistake up is, that there’s one more person in the world who was probably angry for a few hours or a day and that’s it. Nothing more. I hope I didn’t jinx it now, writing about it here and that tomorrow she’ll call me over, telling me she’s ready to take another look at it. But honestly…It’s been over two weeks now and I would feel so much better just moving on from it. I already know what went wrong and trust me: This will never happen again. You think, shoudl she ever want to talk about it again, I should tell her that? Let’s just hope she lets it slide. I’d be so thankful for that… Feeling guilty is already nasty as it is.

Other than that nothing really happened I could talk about. My parents were close to divorcing. Probably more often than I can count. Last weekend though they spent a lot of time together and enjoyed it. I don’t know what that means but if there’s anything I have learned is that I cannot change the future by worrying about it too much. What they make of their relationship is their business. All I can do is watch. Just as I can only wait and see what my teammanager decided to do now.

I picked up welsh again. Learning a few words everyday now and getting the grammar right. I’m actually quite proud of my progress and I absolutely hope to use it this september, when I’ll make a trip to Wales for a few days =) Also I’m trying to look decent in summer so I attempt to do some gymnastics at home. So far nothing has changed but I already know this takes time. BUT I went climbing with friends on Saturday and I realized I had  more strengh and endurance than I originally thought which felt great. I was proud of myself =) So yeah, a few good things happened too.

And I just gotta tell you. The sun feels awesome. Sometimes a bright light is all I need in my life. Bright light and a good book.

Okay, so that’s my update for today. Sorry it’s all over the place and weird and I can’t go into details too much. I just wanted to tell you I’m still here fighting =)

Until next time…take care!

– signed A

Love hurts

My parents have been in love for 28 years straight and a little longer. And then something happens and the love changes and shifts and suddenly you start to wonder if you really could have been so naive to think love stays for forever. It had been around for such a long time I took it for granted. I took for granted, that my dad thanked my mum on his birthday last year, because she stayed by his side and made him feel accepted and unique and that she was the most beautiful soul to him to this day. I took for granted feeling welcome in this house and seeing them together holding hands on occasions. It was just normal life for me. Everyday.

And now I see how my mums happiness slowly decays, if it exists anymore at all. She has aged so much in these few weeks – I see her everyday but today I noticed and it shocked me to the bone. It’s really true that happiness and harmony help you age well. But when it suddenly disappears… My mum looked so good for her age. Now she looks almost like a ghost, her skin like soft tissue, pale like our cold white wall, her smile never quite reaching her eyes. It’s hard to see her like this. I wish I could do more for her. I wish I could make her feel happy again. I wish I could change everything that has happened in the last few months.

I try to be there for her. I’ve never seen her cry like this before. I’ve never had my parents come to me, seeking advice before. You know – we always lived in perfect harmony. In our family there was so much harmony it was almost bloody disgusting. Not on every corner and we have had our share of discussions and fights but we always found a way back together. Somehow we just knew everything would be okay again. My friends would say my parents were the perfect couple and I would look up to them, proud to have them as my family, wishing for a relationship as steady and loving as theirs. These feelings are new to us all.

And I don’t blame my dad. He never wanted it to come this far. He always wanted the best for us but as I already said – things happen and you start to think and wonder and sometimes your mind starts to wander without your permission and your heart follows and you can’t stop either of them. He’s not in love with someone else in case you’re wondering. He’s rather not in love with anyone anymore – not even with himself. And that’s the root of the problem. Even I wasn’t sure if he was still proud of me, if he still loved me, if he wanted to spend time with me. Maybe he just didn’t have the energy and it would have been fine to just say so. With all my inner conflicts I would have totally understood. But he prefered to remain silent and so our minds started to wander and we painted our own pictures of what he needed and wanted and how our future would look like. Whether we would continue being a family or not.

Today we had a long talk and I feel like – and on a sidenote: I find this quite ironic – they can’t make it on their own anymore. They decided to seek help like I did last year ago. I would have to look up the exact date when I finally made my decision and called someone but it can’t be that far from march. Maybe we’ll all have an anniversary next year…

Well enought with the jokes. This situation isn’t that funny. It never has been… The pain is real. My dad hurts because of his inner demons and because he hurt my mum a lot. My mum hurts because all she wanted was to see us all happy and be with my dad for the rest of her life and now she lost all her trust in their relationship. My sister hurts because she has no idea what the **** is going on. And I’m hurt because I sit in the middle of this desaster and wonder where all this will end. And also I wonder why I don’t have the superpower to just make all the bad feelings disappear. And why I can’t make people see different angles of a situation. I wonder a lot. But most of all I don’t want to see my family hurt. I hope we’ll find a way. I’ll keep you updated…

Until then…take care!

– signed A

 

 

P.S.: Also I’m really sorry for not writing happy things again. You’ll just have to wait a little while longer. Hopefully not that long… Yeah, I’m rooting for that too.

Still alive

Hey guys,

I must admit – for a while I have completely forgotten my blog. Out of sight, out of mind – I suppose. I’ve been stressed out for quite a while now because of family issues which started in December… Yeah, another difficult situation in my life but oh well… At least I haven’t had a real breakdown this winter and let’s just hope it’s almost over and summer is just around the corner =)

About the family issue… That’s a topic I’m not quite sure I can discuss here… Well, I could but after all this blog is about me and my way and struggle through life. I just kind of want to leave my family some privacy… They have no idea that this blog even exists. Let’s just say it’s a tough situation though and I have been worrying a lot, so that probably explains why I have been gone for a while now.

The new specialist team at work is perfect for me though =) I like my colleagues, the topic fits me and I have just received awesome feedback from my teammanager. You could say I’m blessed with my working-situation right now and that’s a huge plus and makes my personal situation a little easier to deal with. Everyone wants to feel wanted and that’s exactly what my team manager does – making me feel appreciated. Also I’m apparently doing a great job so there’s little to no room for critique. Normally I hate self-praise but that’s what my boss said, not me. I am just happy that the voice in my head, that keeps saying ‘you can do better and everyone sees it. Also everyone is bothered by your presence’ got overrun by a magnificent truck today with the label ‘keep telling her bullshit, you’re gonna be proven wrong anyway’. For once it’s silent and I hope it stays that way for a while.

Anyway, this post is just a little update so you guys know what I’ve been up to and that, yeah, I am actually still alive. I promise to not forget again and update frequently from now on =) I cannot promise every post will be a good one but I wanted this so I might as well through them out there.

Until the next post (which will happen so much earlier), take care

– signed A

How to make it work

Hey guys. I’ve got a question for you.

Why are relationships so difficult? And I not only mean couples. I mean every single kind of relationship. Sisters and friends and even the one you have with yourself. It’s just not fun dealing with them. I’ve had so many set backs in relationships in my life, I couldn’t count them even if my life depended on it and I know I’m not the only one here.

And it’s not only that you need to take care of the ones you’re having with other people – there’s always that one friend or family member who has a problem and wants to ramble about it with you or needs your help or your advice. The world is full of relationship problems – it sometimes makes me wonder why we deal with them in the first place.

You know, I’m considering myself as a very weird person to deal with. I know I’m far from easy to handle but I’m giving my best even if – considering my psychological status – it might not come across as much. But still I’m trying. I like to think that everyone does. It’s just that sometimes its so hard to let go and understand. Or even if you understand the problem, it’s just so hard to change things. Sometimes change IS the death of said relationship. Sometimes you try but everything seems to be in vain and you keep wondering why you haven’t given up yet and can’t find the answer to that question anywhere. Or you don’t want to find it because you know it would hurt or just really screw you up in a very gross way.

Sometimes these tiny little problems show up without warning and before you even realize what you just did or said upset someone, you find yourself stricken in half hearted excuses or completely annoyed at the subject of said problem. Maybe you’ve already gone over it a thousand times and you keep claiming and discussing the same stuff to no avail. And soon enough you feel like someone or something stirs your feelings like a farmer would plow his field. It seems so wrong.

Like you can never make it right. Really right. And on the other hand no one can make it perfect for you. There’s always gonna be pain or distrust or resentment at some point. You never get over it. And the closer you get, the riskier it gets. These negative things feel like hurdles you can’t jump over. You just keep spinning around them to avoid them until you suddenly turn too sharply and it’s already too late to turn back or stir in another direction because you’ve been too close for that to begin with. It’s gonna take a while to get back to spinning around again. We in Austria call that Drahtseilakt. Feeling always on edge, feeling like everything can turn around in just a few seconds. It only takes one word, one gesture, one moment to ruin it all. At least for a little time.

Okay, maybe I’m being too dramatic here… It’s just that I’ve witnessed some pretty bad miscommunications and discussions over christmas and I feel sad for that. Sometimes you want so badly to make it right but you just…you just can’t. And you cannot make the other one understand either. There’s always a way if the two of you pull in the same direction. But as long as the relationship lasts, there’s always gonna be fighting material as well. The more time you spend together, the harder it gets. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt. I just hope it’s not too late. I hope we all can pull in the same direction. I hope we all have the strengh and the will to make it through.

…Just throwing that out there. I’m sorry for this out of context writing. I just needed to get that down I guess. It seems like this is gonna be my last post for this year. It’s certainly not gonna be my last ever. If I have any New Year resolutions it’s definitely to write more posts on here than just one for each month.

We’ll see how I get to that. I wish you all a Happy New Year. May your start be merrier than mine and until next time…take good care.

– signed A