So, another month practically flew by and you have absolutely no idea how worrisome it has been. I screwed up at work twice – once because of my rather occupied mind and a second time because there was really important information, when I started my knew job, I should have gotten but didn’t. So practically it was not a 100% my fault. Also it was a misunderstanding and started not that good in the first place.
Well, the first fault I was able to completely obliterate once I found out about it and it was no big deal. The second one… You have no idea how much trouble I had keeping my mind from thinking about it. Keeping from feeling guilty about this one and playing the situation over and over in my mind, thinking it through to try and find out if I could have prevented anything from happening. To be honest, I’m sure I overreacted a little but there I was, having a really hard time with my family – the day before, I kept arguing with my parents about the whole situation…well…discuss, I would say. I was tired, exhausted, sad and distressed already and then this unfortunate incident occured and left me even more distressed. The first few days I could hardly think about anything else even though my team manager told me it really wasn’t that big of a deal. I do trust her but she wasn’t with me when it happened. She just trusted me when I said it was an honest mistake out of inexperience. Still – I can’t stress it enough. How am I supposed to know something nobody told me about in the first place when I started my job?
There’s a good chance she’ll get back to me about this – after all that’s what we said we would do but so far nothing has actually happened. I really do hope she just lets it fall. The only thing that sums the consequences of this mistake up is, that there’s one more person in the world who was probably angry for a few hours or a day and that’s it. Nothing more. I hope I didn’t jinx it now, writing about it here and that tomorrow she’ll call me over, telling me she’s ready to take another look at it. But honestly…It’s been over two weeks now and I would feel so much better just moving on from it. I already know what went wrong and trust me: This will never happen again. You think, shoudl she ever want to talk about it again, I should tell her that? Let’s just hope she lets it slide. I’d be so thankful for that… Feeling guilty is already nasty as it is.
Other than that nothing really happened I could talk about. My parents were close to divorcing. Probably more often than I can count. Last weekend though they spent a lot of time together and enjoyed it. I don’t know what that means but if there’s anything I have learned is that I cannot change the future by worrying about it too much. What they make of their relationship is their business. All I can do is watch. Just as I can only wait and see what my teammanager decided to do now.
I picked up welsh again. Learning a few words everyday now and getting the grammar right. I’m actually quite proud of my progress and I absolutely hope to use it this september, when I’ll make a trip to Wales for a few days =) Also I’m trying to look decent in summer so I attempt to do some gymnastics at home. So far nothing has changed but I already know this takes time. BUT I went climbing with friends on Saturday and I realized I had more strengh and endurance than I originally thought which felt great. I was proud of myself =) So yeah, a few good things happened too.
And I just gotta tell you. The sun feels awesome. Sometimes a bright light is all I need in my life. Bright light and a good book.
Okay, so that’s my update for today. Sorry it’s all over the place and weird and I can’t go into details too much. I just wanted to tell you I’m still here fighting =)
Until next time…take care!
– signed A