My parents have been in love for 28 years straight and a little longer. And then something happens and the love changes and shifts and suddenly you start to wonder if you really could have been so naive to think love stays for forever. It had been around for such a long time I took it for granted. I took for granted, that my dad thanked my mum on his birthday last year, because she stayed by his side and made him feel accepted and unique and that she was the most beautiful soul to him to this day. I took for granted feeling welcome in this house and seeing them together holding hands on occasions. It was just normal life for me. Everyday.
And now I see how my mums happiness slowly decays, if it exists anymore at all. She has aged so much in these few weeks – I see her everyday but today I noticed and it shocked me to the bone. It’s really true that happiness and harmony help you age well. But when it suddenly disappears… My mum looked so good for her age. Now she looks almost like a ghost, her skin like soft tissue, pale like our cold white wall, her smile never quite reaching her eyes. It’s hard to see her like this. I wish I could do more for her. I wish I could make her feel happy again. I wish I could change everything that has happened in the last few months.
I try to be there for her. I’ve never seen her cry like this before. I’ve never had my parents come to me, seeking advice before. You know – we always lived in perfect harmony. In our family there was so much harmony it was almost bloody disgusting. Not on every corner and we have had our share of discussions and fights but we always found a way back together. Somehow we just knew everything would be okay again. My friends would say my parents were the perfect couple and I would look up to them, proud to have them as my family, wishing for a relationship as steady and loving as theirs. These feelings are new to us all.
And I don’t blame my dad. He never wanted it to come this far. He always wanted the best for us but as I already said – things happen and you start to think and wonder and sometimes your mind starts to wander without your permission and your heart follows and you can’t stop either of them. He’s not in love with someone else in case you’re wondering. He’s rather not in love with anyone anymore – not even with himself. And that’s the root of the problem. Even I wasn’t sure if he was still proud of me, if he still loved me, if he wanted to spend time with me. Maybe he just didn’t have the energy and it would have been fine to just say so. With all my inner conflicts I would have totally understood. But he prefered to remain silent and so our minds started to wander and we painted our own pictures of what he needed and wanted and how our future would look like. Whether we would continue being a family or not.
Today we had a long talk and I feel like – and on a sidenote: I find this quite ironic – they can’t make it on their own anymore. They decided to seek help like I did last year ago. I would have to look up the exact date when I finally made my decision and called someone but it can’t be that far from march. Maybe we’ll all have an anniversary next year…
Well enought with the jokes. This situation isn’t that funny. It never has been… The pain is real. My dad hurts because of his inner demons and because he hurt my mum a lot. My mum hurts because all she wanted was to see us all happy and be with my dad for the rest of her life and now she lost all her trust in their relationship. My sister hurts because she has no idea what the **** is going on. And I’m hurt because I sit in the middle of this desaster and wonder where all this will end. And also I wonder why I don’t have the superpower to just make all the bad feelings disappear. And why I can’t make people see different angles of a situation. I wonder a lot. But most of all I don’t want to see my family hurt. I hope we’ll find a way. I’ll keep you updated…
Until then…take care!
– signed A
P.S.: Also I’m really sorry for not writing happy things again. You’ll just have to wait a little while longer. Hopefully not that long… Yeah, I’m rooting for that too.