Love hurts

My parents have been in love for 28 years straight and a little longer. And then something happens and the love changes and shifts and suddenly you start to wonder if you really could have been so naive to think love stays for forever. It had been around for such a long time I took it for granted. I took for granted, that my dad thanked my mum on his birthday last year, because she stayed by his side and made him feel accepted and unique and that she was the most beautiful soul to him to this day. I took for granted feeling welcome in this house and seeing them together holding hands on occasions. It was just normal life for me. Everyday.

And now I see how my mums happiness slowly decays, if it exists anymore at all. She has aged so much in these few weeks – I see her everyday but today I noticed and it shocked me to the bone. It’s really true that happiness and harmony help you age well. But when it suddenly disappears… My mum looked so good for her age. Now she looks almost like a ghost, her skin like soft tissue, pale like our cold white wall, her smile never quite reaching her eyes. It’s hard to see her like this. I wish I could do more for her. I wish I could make her feel happy again. I wish I could change everything that has happened in the last few months.

I try to be there for her. I’ve never seen her cry like this before. I’ve never had my parents come to me, seeking advice before. You know – we always lived in perfect harmony. In our family there was so much harmony it was almost bloody disgusting. Not on every corner and we have had our share of discussions and fights but we always found a way back together. Somehow we just knew everything would be okay again. My friends would say my parents were the perfect couple and I would look up to them, proud to have them as my family, wishing for a relationship as steady and loving as theirs. These feelings are new to us all.

And I don’t blame my dad. He never wanted it to come this far. He always wanted the best for us but as I already said – things happen and you start to think and wonder and sometimes your mind starts to wander without your permission and your heart follows and you can’t stop either of them. He’s not in love with someone else in case you’re wondering. He’s rather not in love with anyone anymore – not even with himself. And that’s the root of the problem. Even I wasn’t sure if he was still proud of me, if he still loved me, if he wanted to spend time with me. Maybe he just didn’t have the energy and it would have been fine to just say so. With all my inner conflicts I would have totally understood. But he prefered to remain silent and so our minds started to wander and we painted our own pictures of what he needed and wanted and how our future would look like. Whether we would continue being a family or not.

Today we had a long talk and I feel like – and on a sidenote: I find this quite ironic – they can’t make it on their own anymore. They decided to seek help like I did last year ago. I would have to look up the exact date when I finally made my decision and called someone but it can’t be that far from march. Maybe we’ll all have an anniversary next year…

Well enought with the jokes. This situation isn’t that funny. It never has been… The pain is real. My dad hurts because of his inner demons and because he hurt my mum a lot. My mum hurts because all she wanted was to see us all happy and be with my dad for the rest of her life and now she lost all her trust in their relationship. My sister hurts because she has no idea what the **** is going on. And I’m hurt because I sit in the middle of this desaster and wonder where all this will end. And also I wonder why I don’t have the superpower to just make all the bad feelings disappear. And why I can’t make people see different angles of a situation. I wonder a lot. But most of all I don’t want to see my family hurt. I hope we’ll find a way. I’ll keep you updated…

Until then…take care!

– signed A

 

 

P.S.: Also I’m really sorry for not writing happy things again. You’ll just have to wait a little while longer. Hopefully not that long… Yeah, I’m rooting for that too.

Advertisements

Still alive

Hey guys,

I must admit – for a while I have completely forgotten my blog. Out of sight, out of mind – I suppose. I’ve been stressed out for quite a while now because of family issues which started in December… Yeah, another difficult situation in my life but oh well… At least I haven’t had a real breakdown this winter and let’s just hope it’s almost over and summer is just around the corner =)

About the family issue… That’s a topic I’m not quite sure I can discuss here… Well, I could but after all this blog is about me and my way and struggle through life. I just kind of want to leave my family some privacy… They have no idea that this blog even exists. Let’s just say it’s a tough situation though and I have been worrying a lot, so that probably explains why I have been gone for a while now.

The new specialist team at work is perfect for me though =) I like my colleagues, the topic fits me and I have just received awesome feedback from my teammanager. You could say I’m blessed with my working-situation right now and that’s a huge plus and makes my personal situation a little easier to deal with. Everyone wants to feel wanted and that’s exactly what my team manager does – making me feel appreciated. Also I’m apparently doing a great job so there’s little to no room for critique. Normally I hate self-praise but that’s what my boss said, not me. I am just happy that the voice in my head, that keeps saying ‘you can do better and everyone sees it. Also everyone is bothered by your presence’ got overrun by a magnificent truck today with the label ‘keep telling her bullshit, you’re gonna be proven wrong anyway’. For once it’s silent and I hope it stays that way for a while.

Anyway, this post is just a little update so you guys know what I’ve been up to and that, yeah, I am actually still alive. I promise to not forget again and update frequently from now on =) I cannot promise every post will be a good one but I wanted this so I might as well through them out there.

Until the next post (which will happen so much earlier), take care

– signed A

Winter is coming. But first there’s autumn

So summer’s over. The time has come to get out my warm clothes again, freeze to death in the morning just to sweat on the train because the heating is too damn warm and I don’t see a point in taking off my coat and scarf and whatever works too keep me warm outside for an half an hour long train ride.

I knew my heart would sink a little seeing the leaves change their colors and fall from the branches… It looks beautiful in a way and I love the rustling when you walk through the fallen leaves but still… to me it feels like the world is dying around me. Like everything so strong and green and beautiful and fresh in spring is giving up to fall asleep and I would like nothing more than to follow. Falling asleep in November, waking up in March again, just in time to see the world around me revive again.

But that’s not exactly what I promised to talk about in my last post. And I know I’m late again. I’m sorry. I just didn’t know what to write. I did see a specialist for depressions and…well, at least she is said to be… I still don’t know what to make of it. It took about two hours and tbh I have no idea what happened. I suppose nothing. She made me go through a couple of tests and we talked but aside from what I told her my worries were… She didn’t even mention the possibility of depression once. She didn’t ask me about my symptoms, how I feel, just the typical questions you think she MUST be asking because clearly you can’t diagnose something you don’t even talk about. Right? I’m still confused and scared. Honestly. She told me she’d send her diagnose to my doctor but I haven’t manned up enough yet to call.

So yeah, I’m just wasting my time working my new job – which I find quite nice by the way – getting home, watching a series after the other and feeling relieved when I look at a watch and realize it’s already too late to call the doctor to ask about an appointment. I probably need one anyway since winter is coming. GOT anyone????

I’m trying to think of anything else to talk about. And I know there HAS to be lots left but really… I’m at a loss for words right now. I hope I’ll feel a little better in two weeks since I’m gonna be on holidays with said friend I talked about in my early entries. Things…kinda worked out for us. There’s still a huge question mark between us – at least there is for me – but right now it’s fine. She’s planning two weeks of surprise-birthday mini adventures (cause in November I’ll be a quarter of a century old)  including a photo shooting, a party with friends, a scavenger hunt and even a 5 day trip to another city and she’s making it all herself. She’s working hard on it, doing it all just to make me happy, wanting absolutely nothing in return, despite me asking once in a while. She’s a good friend despite all that happened. She really does want me to be happy. And it’s kinda sad that she’s working harder on that than me myself but…oh well. I’m trying, I suppose.

I’m gonna have a LOT to write about that when I get back from the trip. And hopefully I’ll have my appointment too, right? ^^” I promise I’ll give it my best shot. The autumn, the winter, the call, myself… I’ll be okay.

So, I did not forget about you. But a stressed out A doesn’t write good posts apparently. A stressed out a needs chocolate and tea and stories to keep herself from losing her mind.

I’ll update again soon – this time I’ll DO IT. Hey! Really! I’ll have news! =D

Until then, take care and have a few good days.

-signed A

or not…?

I finally got what I wanted. Or so I thought. After that fateful day everything would be perfectly fine and I’d get some pills and I’d have something in hands that will either tell me I’m weird and a sad person or ‘congrats, you’re just a lazy f***er’. Turns out I didn’t get a sheet but let me explain from the start.

The appointment was okay. Though I can honestly say I have never ever felt that uncomfortable in my life sitting in the waiting room waiting for the doctor to call me in. I almost backed out too when I arrived at the corner of the street. For the few minutes I had to wait I felt like doomsday had finally arrived. Like sitting at the dentists waiting for a root canal treatment knowing there’s no anesthesia left for your therapy. You just know it’s gonna hurt like hell but it’s either the treament or even more pain. It was awful.

On the way there I felt shaky like I had just drunk at least 3 litres of coffee – and I have to tell you I can’t even handle a single cup without being annoying as hell to everyone around me – and my eyes were watery, my breaths short. I was so scared. I kept telling myself I would be fine. I could always see another doctor. I could always just get up and leave or tell him in the last second that I didn’t need anything really.

Turned out all my panic was unnecessary. The talk lasted for like 20 minutes but only after five minutes or so he told me I was not seeing ghosts, that it was good I was seeking help and that it was stupid of me to wait this long. I should have come earlier and when I tried to explain why I couldn’t, I felt stupid little tears running down my face. Maybe it was the relief. He took a burden away from me, I had carried for at least six to eight years and when he told me there was no chance I was just imagining it all I felt as light as I never have before. It was also awkward crying in front of him but I’m sure I wasn’t the first patient to do that and certainly not his last either.

Anyway…he couldn’t tell me what exactly was wrong with me. For that he got me another appointment with another good shrink. And now is the time to make a guess when I got it =D …….3…..2…..1….. TWO MONTHS LATER! Again. Patience is indeed a virtue. She’s gonna talk to me for a looong time and make notes and probably even test out my brain to see if it works properly. I’ll be as stressed out as I was with the first appointment – I know that for sure but at least I got what I wanted. Kind of. The Diagnose is there. Only verbally but hey, sometimes it is enough to have someone listen to you for a few minutes, just to hear it’s okay, you’re not stupid, it’s not your fault and you are very brave for getting that far.

He didn’t say it with these exact words but that’s what I interpreted. After all he got me some medication to help me start the day easier, to get more productive and tell me I shouldn’t have waited this long for treatment. To be completely honest though, I feel good enough to not take any medication right now. I do feel stressed out a lot because of work and all but the sunshine helps me get out of bed and through the day so I might wait for the in-depth diagnose and then see what I have to do to finally feel like a normal person again. I hope this is where I can get.

I also can’t believe half a year has passed already again. It feels like yesterday when I wrote that post about the new years eve party. Kinda the same thing happened two weeks ago with a birthday party btw but I might rant about that when I have time. I’m sorry for the lack of updates and my dry and not so special writing but as I said I’m pretty stressed out about work. I’ll get to that later. Just wanted to give you my diagnose since that was what I promised.

Until the next update, take good care!

– signed A

The diagnose

Hey guys!

As promised, I made a huge step forward. Finally I seeked help, tough it didn’t turn out to be as easy as I thought it would be. The doctor I was originally supposed to call only had appointments left in July when I called in April. Yeah, you read right. July. Can you believe that? I am fine right now but think of someone who desperately needs help. There’s no way they could wait for three months just to get a diagnose or something. But whatever, of course I wanted to make use of my little energy push so I got another referral before I even got the chance to wait around for another week and managed to get an appointment in the first week of June.

I feel accomplished now and excited for it but I also am a bit..anxious. Which is really weird, don’t you think? All the time I wanted to seek help and now that I finally get it I am scared of it? I got to the bottom line of my thoughts earlier last week and I feel kinda shocked about catching myself hoping to be mentally ill. Don’t get me wrong here! I would love(!!) to just feel happy and be normal again, like the cute, energetic child I used to be before all this sh*t started, but getting no diagnose would mean it was all in my head. And that it was crazy and weird for me to think, that I was ill. Even worse – it would mean all the time I felt bad and lazy and idiotic and like a loser I actually WAS lazy and idiotic and a loser. It would mean that I’m back to square one and that it really is my fault.

I’m really scared of that. So scared that I’d rather wish to be ill than perfectly okay in my head. Doesn’t that sound alarming? But I don’t want to be a loser. I don’t want to find out I was running in the  wrong direction all this time and I could have turned around everything all alone but somehow I got caught up in this theory that I’m in fact ill and need help to get better just to have an excuse of letting myself go so easily and not changing on my own. To just follow the simple route. I am no one to take the simple route only because it’s the easier way. I also know that I don’t ever want to feel as bad and hopeless as I felt this winter season and that what I felt (or rather not felt) WAS real. It’s just now that the summer is here and the next wave of depression seems to give me a little pause I hope the diagnose is gonna be accurate.

I always catch myself thinking about how I should explain what it felt like to be me for the last ten years of my life. How hard it was and how much I wanted to be done with all this and why but then I stop myself and think: It’s not your duty to make the doctor believe you or put words in his mouth that you read online somwhere. HE is the doctor. He should know what to ask so he can get an accurate picture of how bad it really is, even though right now I feel a little better. He should know depression comes in waves. And I only need to remember what a horror those few months were for me and tell him when he asks about it.

I told no one about my appointment. Don’t know what I’ll tell my parents where I am. Probably out with some friend or something… I want to get the facts straight just in case it really happened all in my head. I know that’s not true. I know how being depressed feels like. I know I am in the middle of it. I just really hope my doctor will know just as good as I do after our talk.

In two weeks I’ll be back with my diagnose and hopefully a way out of my situation. When I get better I hope I’ll finally be able to write about some random things on here too. The blog really needs to be lightened up a bit. But first things first. Please wish me the best of luck.

Until then…take care!

– signed A

 

PS: Oh and in case you’re wondering…my eyes are fine! I don’t need glasses anymore and I enjoy my new freedom a lot =)

Good news! 2x

So I finally did it.

No, I didn’t call someone. Not yet. But(!) I managed to tell my doctor I might need to get a diagnose and he gave me a referral to a specialist whom I – once again – need to call. Yeah I know… But hey! This time I only have four weeks to do it, since my referral is dated. I just want to do it when nobody’s home. Tomorrow most likely.

I’ll get an appointment and keep telling myself after this appointment everything is gonna be alright. I know it will not. Stuff doesn’t just magically disappear once you’ve got to talk about it but I’m still sure the diagnose is at least gonna help me fix my remorse somehow.

Also I felt better the last few days. A little more energized – far from what I want to feel but I managed to write a little, meet up with friends, to get out more AND to finally getting my eyes lasered. I was stuck with contacts an glasses for such a long time now, I completely forgot how good it feels to be able to read EVERYTHING with my own eyes. Almost two weeks have passed now since I had the operation and it seemed to have worked pretty good. I look damn awful without glasses and no makeup on though. Makes me wonder if it was worth the money X) Just kidding, I know it was.

Maybe that’s the exact reason I feel a little better. Because I felt like a huge weight has been lifted off me – regardless on how ugly I feel without glasses, because duh I have never seen my reflection without it cearly in the mirror – and something actually worked in my life. Something happened and it was good and I was the one setting it up.I DID something, mostly on my own. (with the help of my mum who needed to pick me up afterwards and the doctors and stuff but who cares? It was my wish.) Also people cared. They wanted to know how I was, how the procedure felt, how I felt now. People cared. It’s a nice feeling. Having something to talk about, knowing somebody is interested. I know my head is seeing ghosts, that people cared about me before too. And I could see that, it was just not that obvious and sometimes obvious things are the ones that satisfy you the most.

I promise to keep you guys updated. Especially after the call tomorrow and the diagnose and stuff… I wanted to write sooner anyway but I couldn’t because my eyes were sore. Feeling better now though =) Today life is beautiful. I wonder if I just couldn’t see it before.

Promise to update soon, until then take good care!

– signed A

the time of my life

Hi,

man, keeping up with this blog is hard. I can’t believe my last entry was written over a month ago but I guess I have been busy with enjoying the sun or keeping my emotions and foul thoughts in check. As you can probably guess, I still have not contacted anyone. Spring is making things easier for me even though it’s still a struggle getting myself out of bed in the morning, to work and then being productive over the rest of the day. Or at least productive for some time of the day… But yeah, work is okay. I finally feel competent and theres only few customers I don’t get along with – which tbh is not my fault. Most of them call to get their anger out of them and I’m just the poor worker receiving their calls. But that’s things I’m just brushing off. Other than that it’s fine.

Something else happened though. On March the 17th my grandad died. I was at work when I received a message from my dad who was at the hospital with him. I can’t exactly describe how I felt but if I had to I would say I felt detached from my own body in some weird, twisted way. Like a plastic doll, just breathing and moving, but not actually feeling anything. I saw the message on my phone and didn’t dare touch it for the next three hours because I didn’t want the message to pop up again. As long as it wasn’t open it was not true. But eventually I had to face it. After a ten minutepause I went back to work like nothing happened. And there was nothing I could do. He was already gone and my life would continue and to be honest I felt really bad for not wanting my life. For thinking about stopping to exist so often that it’s hard to get anything done at all. My grandad had just stopped existing and everybody already missed him. He had a good life, had a clear mind until his death and even went shopping and got coupons just a day before he got to the hospital. He deserved to stop existing as soon as he wanted it just as much as he deserved to live for as long as he wanted. And there I am with mere 24 years and counting but not wanting to count anymore. What’s wrong with me? Something HAS to be wrong.

I’m doing fine for the moment. The way my dad talked about what happened in the hospital, I have a feeling like my grandad was okay with leaving. So though I’m sad, I’m fine knowing this. It makes me feel better, comforts me… And it also makes me see that I cannot, will not give up on life. Not that I really planned on stopping but it’s good to get a little push once in a while. 24 years and counting. I have to keep going just to see where life takes me. Because I should want to live and enjoy life. Because I love sunshine and the energetic feeling I have when I step outside of my workplace after my shift is over. Because of good books, tea, fandoms and movies, finding new friends, karaoke, chocolate milk and most of all because of my family. Moaning someone you love takes so much time and energy even when we already knew it was about time to say goodbye. I can’t imagine my family having to say goodbye to me. I will not let that happen. They mean too much to me for that.

So that’s it for now. Enjoy life while you can. You never know when it will be over.

Until next time, take care…

– signed A