That’s right. I’m back again! And to be completely honest… I’m not so sure what I’m going to write about. Sitting in front of this post here feels like a synonym for living my life. You have a blank page, maybe a title and so many things yet nothing really to go over. Life feels exactly like that. I have paths I might be interested in, a few ideas but no complete theme. No endgoal. Except for being happy perhaps but as easy as it sounds, my mind and – I guess – my brain mess with me all the time.
Just last week it happened again. I felt the new wave of despair coming closer every day for a few weeks now but I’m ashamed to say I got concerningly good at ignoring the signs. I stood in a sea of red flags but all I did was shrugging my shoulders and finding other excuses for my lack of motivation, the endless sleep drive, the urge to cry, the indecisiveness and that heavy pressure on my chest. Until the pressure got so bad I had a hard time breathing. Until I spend my days more asleep than awake. Until the urge to cry finally brought me to tears. At one point it got so bad – and so apparent to others – that my mum didn’t want me to spend my evening alone at home. I insisted – like I already said last time: I would never do anything to myself – but she still kept checking up on me every couple of hours.
She is an amazing person. I love my mum. No matter how many worries she has on her mind…she would always put me and my sister first. Through her I learned what loving someone unconditionally means and how much power it holds – in a good and also quite concerning way. I do my best to show her how thankful I am and how much I appreciate her. She is my superwoman.
Anyway I accepted my fate since it was the only thing I could do really. And I am utterly excited to announce that this week I already feel much better. Like always, I don’t know why, I don’t know how. I just do. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I am alright and fine again but I am getting there. For how long? I have absolutely no clue. That’s why I’m kinda walking on egg shells right now. I don’t want to trigger anything. I was heavily worried about my future while fighting through my sad days and overwhelmed by everything I have on my to do list. I can still feel the panic lurking inside so I don’t want to dive too deep into dangerous waters just yet.
It’s just that I can’t get my lost time back. Everytime I fall down this hole I lose precious time. Time I could spend differently, wiser, more efficiently. But if I push myself too hard… I don’t dare to find out what would happen. If I keep breaking and crumbling away I might not find enough pieces of myself to put back together anymore.
I’m probably stupid, still trying to fight this all on my own. Still wondering whether I really have a mental illness or you know – maybe I’m just a dramaqueen after all. I know I’m not. Who would EVER want to live this way? But sometimes I can’t help it.
Back to the good stuff. One of the things I’m proud of these weeks is that I at least didn’t stop working out while going through my sad days. I worked on my fitness three to four times a week – exhaustion or no and kept wondering why. My theory is that while working out the depression couldn’t get to me. All that mattered were my sore muscles, the motions, the music I used to hype myself up with. If you’re worried about how tf you are supposed to pull off a certain dance move or if you can hold the plank position for twenty more seconds there is no space for the typical agonizing thoughts plowing through your mind on a regular basis. So the only productive thing I did was working out but at least I did that. That’s what I told myself over and over and over. You might be too exhausted, too anxious, too tired and hopeless for everything else but at least you did that. And for these exeptionally hard days, that was enough.
So yeah, I’m still trying my best. I’m hanging in there. Sometimes it’s still hard to look into the mirror but I know – even in times like these – there’s potential. I have potential. I don’t have to believe in it every day but as long as I can keep the balance I hope to be fine. I should be proud to have come so far. I should be proud for staying even though there are days where I don’t care what the future will bring. I should be proud for being so sure about never chosing the easier way out. I’m still working on accepting my slow pace but even snails reach their destination as long as they do not stop along the way. If I’m a snail, then so be it. At least I’m making progress and I’m trying to take good care of myself. Trying to love myself the way I deserve it. And if I don’t know my destination yet there is no way I can choose the wrong path either.
With this I’m gonna leave you for today.
Until next time…take good care!
– signed A
Bottled up tight 