This is not a happy post

So I’m really sorry about you having to read something depressing again but I feel the need to express myself right now and the sole purpose for this blog initially was, well, to be able to express myself.

I’m just gonna say it: I had a breakdown. A real one with every nonexistent emotion you could possibly have. Like…the nonexistent self hatred. Nonexistent frustration, nonexistent sadness, disorientation, weirdness, confusion, desperation, anger… And over all of course the nonexistent madness that comes with it all. I was crying so hard, I couldn’t stop the tears while wondering why the only thing I REALLY felt was emptiness. It was more like…thoughts I had that should have triggered all these emotions but didn’t or at least triggered them in such a soft fashion that they might have never existed at all. And my body just reacted to it with tears and swollen eyes because apparently that’s what it remembers happening years and years ago in what feels like another life. Back then when I still COULD feel sadness and anger and confusion. When emotions were real. Even to me they felt real.

So yeah…now? Not so much anymore. I don’t feel. I know what I should feel when I think about certain stuff but it just…mostly doesn’t happen. Right now while writing this I actually yearn for something to make me feel alive again but everything seems so exhausting and there is nothing I really WANT. Of course not. How can you want something if you don’t feel? Nothing makes you happy, there’s nothing you really care about, nothing makes you feel cosy or content or really proud… You don’t have plans for things because making plans and seeing them through needs commitment and you don’t have that when you don’t care.  The only thing you think about is ‘how much time is it gonna take?’ because really…you don’t have enough time for merely existing and that either gets in the way of your social life because you start avoiding people, or said social life exhausts you so much you don’t exactly know what to do with yourself anymore after a substantial amout of time.

And that – everyone – is the reason for my breakdown today. Well, at least some of it. I won’t tell you what triggered it. I won’t tell you what kind of thoughts I had. Let me just tell you – it was a really serious, dark place. What’s funny is – this just came to my mind right now – that people who asked me if I was feeling well, or how life was going actually never got an honest answer for quite a while now. I’m not quite sure if in my mind I was subconsciously waiting for the next throwback or if it was just me not realizing that I already was in a weird two steps forward, one step back-position and telling them nothing in particular felt better than saying something like ‘Oh yeah, I can’t complain because frankly me and my brain don’t feel enough emotions to actually care.’ Although I honestly wonder how people would react to this. I might just try this someday…

Anyway…the best way to explain is probably this: Imagine a soft rubber substance. You kinda can see through but whenever you try to cut it it just falls back in place leaving no space for you to get to the insides. And now imagine all your thoughts, nerves, feelings, emotions…EVERYTHING to be these exact insides. You know it’s all there, you just can’t get to it and to be honest…even that doesn’t make you feel sad. Only confused. Or well…you know you should feel confused. But if you think about it a little harder, go a little deeper you realize that in the end, you don’t really care about that either.

Life in plastic. Not so fantastic. Yeah…a plastic life. Not real. Intangible. Useless. I was thinking hard before I started writing this post, trying to remember the last time I really WANTED something. Like…not the little things. I know for example this saturday I craved this chocolate milk I had seen earlier while buying groceries. And I also remember disappointment stirring in me when I couldn’t find it in the super market anymore. But that’s not what I mean. I mean big things. Things to DO. Things that take something in order to give something cooler back. Like creating a memory. Being creative. Meeting up… There are a few occaions when I think ‘well, I could do this. There’s a little part of me that would like to do this exact stuff now’ or ‘hey, let’s be sociable – you have so much spare time to spend.’ but nope. Most of the time I don’t do it and when I do I don’t look forward to it. It’s just so exhausting. Do I enjoy myself in those moments, like, when they are actually here? It depends. I can’t tell you though, that thinking back I remember joy or satisfaction. I try to grab the feeling through the rubber substance and break through the plastic life I live in but there’s still a difference between TELLING yourself to feel something and actually feeling it without having to grasp for it in the first place.

Maybe I give up too early? Maybe this is all my fault? Maybe I deserve all the bad feelings I feel like I should have and all the allegations are justified. You see…I’m confused and insecure. My ill mind hit me hard today. Came in like a wrecking ball and I didn’t even see it coming.

Wow – three references to songs and movies tied in a really serious post…. At least I haven’t lost my humor. Or maybe this is the madness showing, I wanted to talk about earlier. Tears kept coming but soon after I laughed like I had just heard the funniest joke there is to be heard. I still don’t know why I laughed. The situation certainly wasn’t funny but I guess you take what you can get, right? Maybe at that point my body realized it’s mistake and wanted to make up for it with laughter. Be it as it may… Now an hour after the start of a really hard time I feel better now. Still empty and weird but better. Anyway…I wish you guys the very best of luck and a good time and FEELINGS as many as you can take! I promise you – you will miss then when they’re gone. (4rth reference I suppose… Nobody can tell me I wasn’t creative with this at least.)

Okay, enough joking around. I’ll keep you updated. Until then…take good care!

-signed A

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I think I’ve seen a ghost

Apparently the long pause of text messages between my friend and me has not been the beginning of a new era. Or maybe it has but on Sunday it didn’t really seem like that big of a deal to me anymore – at least not overall. So I decided to send her a pic I had promised to send her before. Just the pic without any text. She wrote back almost immediately and we talked a little more after that. It felt okay.

Then, yesterday at work she wrote me in chat – yeah we do have a chat function which is very cool if you have secret stuff you want to talk about – if everything was fine and we basically sorted it out. Kind of. Look, I know I am a weird, twisted person and her words were reassuring but I still feel like I need to step back a bit. She told me about how she thought about all our fights and that she probably wanted too much. It was really funny to read because she expressed the exact same thoughts I did, when I was writing my last post. You know…all the ‘you’re gonna push the person you love away and stuff’. Go read it, if you haven’t already. For a moment I honestly thought she read my entry but then there is absolutely no way since I have never ever told her the name or anything else connected to this blog. She knows it exists and that it’s a lot about my condition and stuff but that’s all. Has she found it? Probably not. Hopefully not haha. God, I really hope not…

Well, I digress. For years and years we were having the same discussions over and over again. Me wanting more alone time, me wanting to decide whether I write back the moment I get the message. Me wanting to go out with people and not having to tell her, when I do so. Me wanting to have some privacy and not tell her every little thing that happens or ever happened in my life. She always felt hurt about that. I wasn’t aloud to keep secrets of the past. Me refusing to give her every part of me was a huge problem but I was not able to do it. And to be completely honest, I didn’t want to either.

You see…the problem with a person you love so much, but who is loved by others much more than yourself almost all the time is that you are bound to feel jealous at some point. Even though you hate yourself for it. You start to feel not good enough. You keep looking at that person you love so much and start to feel hate and guilt at the same time because she is oh so perfect and everyone sees her and likes her so much more. How cool she is and her hobbies are so special and OH! You see how stunning she looks?! She’s better at everything, makes people laugh, gets invitations to every party. Luck follows her around wherever she goes and just to cut a little deeper, she is diligent too, getting much more stuff done than you ever could.

She seems to beat you in every effing section in life, be it creativity, social matters, luck, work, the list goes on and the worst part is that none of this is really her fault. It hurts to see this but I also know I can’t blame her for being liked. Don’t get me wrong. There definitely ARE people around here that like me too, I just need a little more time to come out of my shell and unfortunately society doesn’t grant you said needed time. They go for whoever fits first and I am sad to say, it is always her. You get home after what was supposed to be a really fun night out and all you can think of is ‘why is she so much more successful than you are? Am I not loveable enough?’ You push back the tears and the frustration and need to remind yourself every minute that ‘No, it is not your best friends fault.’ Neither is it yours. That’s just how things are. It still hurts though…

To be exact here… I NEVER blamed this on her. i never even said this to her face but I cannot say, that she has never felt my sadness about this in other ways. Most of the time I just give up, go quiet and distance myself a little to try picking myself up again. Now just imagine being confronted by this five days a week, if not 24/7. Every time you do something together. You go out, you go shopping, you meet up with friends… This voice in my head that keeps telling me I can’t ever reach this height is always present. Sometimes it whispers. Sometimes it screams into my ears. But it is always there, nerver silent.

I always thought to myself when we had these said discussions, that at least I can see her own faults now. I know she has some and they show themselves once in a while. At least SHE loved me more than anyone else. SHE thought I could do stuff better. SHE didn’t care about other peoples attention, as long as she had mine. SHE thought i was beautiful and yeah, to me that mattered a lot. The person who is so much more loved by others, loved me above everyone else. It gave me a little comfort. Only that yesterday she told me, that now she finally understood what I meant. That I was right all along, when I said, I need my own space, that she will just brush it off, if for some reason i would not write back for a few hours for whatever reasons. She doesn’t care whether I go out with friends and not tell her. Sure, she would like to know but it’s fine if it just doesn’t come up.

Sounds awesome right? I got what I always wanted. Part of me is happy about it – also because I know how hard it sometimes was for her. So yeah. It is awesome. Only that…the change felt so sudden. Not only that, I feel like she is slipping away from me. She told me that was absolutely not the case but after all she was the one who basically kicked me out two weeks prior in a nice way because she had some plans with her dad working in the apartment. She also didn’t seem to excited when I asked her if she wanted me to stay a day longer at her home last thursday. Also we used to write a whole lot in the evenings over text message. Now as soon as the evening starts I can be happy about what? 5 messages? She doesn’t ask me to come over, she stopped asking me about my day… Everything just…stopped or changed. Don’t get me wrong now, I am happy for her if she feels better now but I cannot help but feel confused about all this. She tells me everything is fine. Her feelings regarding me haven’t changed but why does it feel so different then? Am I really that paranoid? Does she care to her life without me more, because she feels like that’s what she needs? She told me that’s not what it is.

I know I am doing exactly what I shouldn’t. The toxic behaviour hasn’t stopped lol. The only difference is, I never told her about me sometimes thinking exactly the same things she was. I just tended to my own projects, cared about my own life and tried exactly what I already wrote in the last entry: To remind myself that my life is beautiful and not lost without her in it. I feel like this is still the way to go for me. It might be a hard way but in the end…if this is where we’re going – and to me, even though she says nothing in her behaviour has changed, this is exactly where we’re going – then I won’t be the one fighting against it. I will grow with the challenge. I did it once before.

So yeah, I’ll just stick to my plan. Writing less, seeing her less, just getting a feeling of where she might just spring into action again. Once again I don’t think I’m seeing ghosts. Yeah I know that her change of thoughts about this is new to me and I need to get used to my newly won freedom. But that’s not all there is to it. I feel like somewhere we are drifting apart and since I learned, that you need to go quite a distance before you can drift back together, rather than trying to follow and pushing and pulling to get back where you once were, this is the way for me to go.

Please wish me luck, that all this works out fine and that soon, I’ll get behind all this. Tomorrow night at least, I’ll be home safe and sound. Unexpected, but so it will be.

That’s all folks – I need to head to bed. Until next time…take care!

– signed A

Ignore this post. It’s weird.

So I gotta be honest with you right there. I think being as close to your best friend as I am to mine is breaking someones neck in the long run. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. A week or something to be exact and as hard as I tried to find a good reason to stay as close (despite all the fun we have together) and not seeing all this end poorly hasn’t worked out for me so well.

It all started with little fights again and me not believing some things she tells me or at least me reckoning she sometimes doesn’t tell me the whole story for obvious reasons. It’s just…in the first posts I told you guys about this big fight with her and it still isn’t fully over. At least not for me. I mean yeah, we are having good times but I can’t seem to trust her fully anymore and I definitely don’t feel the need to move in with her any time soon. I think moving together would be the death of our friendship or – if not that – the death of my sanity. Other than that – and as long as we don’t talk about touchy subjects – we’re fine.

There are just some things I can’t stand. I know for a fact that some of those things make me look like a bad friend and are toxic for a relationship, being it a friendship or a real commitment. I’m trying hard to change. So far it’s not working too well. On the other hand…it’s not like it’s all my fault. She has a handful of them too and even though she claims everything is fine…I always find a reason to believe the opposite. Maybe I’m searching for them, maybe though, I am right and not seeing ghosts and everything is gonna start over again. Our friendship feels strange lately and when I told her that she just said I was overreacting and that none of what I said is actually true.

Yeah, I might be seeing ghosts. I might also be seeing the future. You see: When you want to be the most important person in someones life you’re bound to get hurt. It’s just that easy. There’s always gonne be something new and interesting and cooler to explore. And if there isn’t, you’re always gonna wonder when something new, more interesting or cooler might pass you both, leaving your friend to follow and you behind them all alone again. If you worry too much – THAT’s when you start having the time of your life. In a bad way. You start pushing the person away from you because fights are unavoidable if you want to control a persons life, even if it all happens out of fear of loss. You start driving the person away from you and panic when you discover exactly that. More and more fights are the outcome. It’s like a huge spiral of doom with no exit, no way out. Once you’re in there it’s hard to stop. Well, I’m kinda sad to say, that sometimes we are both guilty of that. That’s what makes it so difficult.

Taking a step back on your own sometimes works. That’s what I’m trying to do right now. Stepping back to see, whether the other person follows or not. And if not, well…then at least I am the one who initiated the real change. I’ll stick to myself this weekend, see if any messages will pop up once in a while. So far nothing. Might be, because yesterday felt strange and I said something about enjoying her day leaving me open the possibility whether I’ll write back again or not but in the end I was the one who wrote the last message later that day.

Okay. Reading over all this again makes me feel embarrassed. It seems so childish to me but I can’t help feeling this way…. And you guys probably don’t care about the stupid “who messages first or last” – thoughts and yeah, you are right. It should not matter. And with every other friend – I guarantee you, it doesn’t. I’m just so used to us being close even after what happend in 2016, I know our habits and I tell you: Once it started feeling normal and being important, it will be for a long time until you try hard to change that. I am trying right now. I need to get some distance between us, remind me again, that my life can be beautiful and my spare time can be important without her in it. I never was a dependent person and I don’t plan on start with it now.

I suppose I will see what will happen. Either way, stepping back might be exactly what I need. If she does the same I honestly don’t know where we wil end up or if we’re even gonna end up anywhere at all. But leaving or for that matter the change won’t hurt as much if you choose to do the same. At least you’re in control of your own life and in the end that is all that really matters.

Please don’t judge me for this absolutely childish and weird post. I’m having a weird phase again right now. I’ll talk to you again when I feel a little more sane, haha.

Until then, take good care!

– signed A

Winter is coming. But first there’s autumn

So summer’s over. The time has come to get out my warm clothes again, freeze to death in the morning just to sweat on the train because the heating is too damn warm and I don’t see a point in taking off my coat and scarf and whatever works too keep me warm outside for an half an hour long train ride.

I knew my heart would sink a little seeing the leaves change their colors and fall from the branches… It looks beautiful in a way and I love the rustling when you walk through the fallen leaves but still… to me it feels like the world is dying around me. Like everything so strong and green and beautiful and fresh in spring is giving up to fall asleep and I would like nothing more than to follow. Falling asleep in November, waking up in March again, just in time to see the world around me revive again.

But that’s not exactly what I promised to talk about in my last post. And I know I’m late again. I’m sorry. I just didn’t know what to write. I did see a specialist for depressions and…well, at least she is said to be… I still don’t know what to make of it. It took about two hours and tbh I have no idea what happened. I suppose nothing. She made me go through a couple of tests and we talked but aside from what I told her my worries were… She didn’t even mention the possibility of depression once. She didn’t ask me about my symptoms, how I feel, just the typical questions you think she MUST be asking because clearly you can’t diagnose something you don’t even talk about. Right? I’m still confused and scared. Honestly. She told me she’d send her diagnose to my doctor but I haven’t manned up enough yet to call.

So yeah, I’m just wasting my time working my new job – which I find quite nice by the way – getting home, watching a series after the other and feeling relieved when I look at a watch and realize it’s already too late to call the doctor to ask about an appointment. I probably need one anyway since winter is coming. GOT anyone????

I’m trying to think of anything else to talk about. And I know there HAS to be lots left but really… I’m at a loss for words right now. I hope I’ll feel a little better in two weeks since I’m gonna be on holidays with said friend I talked about in my early entries. Things…kinda worked out for us. There’s still a huge question mark between us – at least there is for me – but right now it’s fine. She’s planning two weeks of surprise-birthday mini adventures (cause in November I’ll be a quarter of a century old)  including a photo shooting, a party with friends, a scavenger hunt and even a 5 day trip to another city and she’s making it all herself. She’s working hard on it, doing it all just to make me happy, wanting absolutely nothing in return, despite me asking once in a while. She’s a good friend despite all that happened. She really does want me to be happy. And it’s kinda sad that she’s working harder on that than me myself but…oh well. I’m trying, I suppose.

I’m gonna have a LOT to write about that when I get back from the trip. And hopefully I’ll have my appointment too, right? ^^” I promise I’ll give it my best shot. The autumn, the winter, the call, myself… I’ll be okay.

So, I did not forget about you. But a stressed out A doesn’t write good posts apparently. A stressed out a needs chocolate and tea and stories to keep herself from losing her mind.

I’ll update again soon – this time I’ll DO IT. Hey! Really! I’ll have news! =D

Until then, take care and have a few good days.

-signed A

or not…?

I finally got what I wanted. Or so I thought. After that fateful day everything would be perfectly fine and I’d get some pills and I’d have something in hands that will either tell me I’m weird and a sad person or ‘congrats, you’re just a lazy f***er’. Turns out I didn’t get a sheet but let me explain from the start.

The appointment was okay. Though I can honestly say I have never ever felt that uncomfortable in my life sitting in the waiting room waiting for the doctor to call me in. I almost backed out too when I arrived at the corner of the street. For the few minutes I had to wait I felt like doomsday had finally arrived. Like sitting at the dentists waiting for a root canal treatment knowing there’s no anesthesia left for your therapy. You just know it’s gonna hurt like hell but it’s either the treament or even more pain. It was awful.

On the way there I felt shaky like I had just drunk at least 3 litres of coffee – and I have to tell you I can’t even handle a single cup without being annoying as hell to everyone around me – and my eyes were watery, my breaths short. I was so scared. I kept telling myself I would be fine. I could always see another doctor. I could always just get up and leave or tell him in the last second that I didn’t need anything really.

Turned out all my panic was unnecessary. The talk lasted for like 20 minutes but only after five minutes or so he told me I was not seeing ghosts, that it was good I was seeking help and that it was stupid of me to wait this long. I should have come earlier and when I tried to explain why I couldn’t, I felt stupid little tears running down my face. Maybe it was the relief. He took a burden away from me, I had carried for at least six to eight years and when he told me there was no chance I was just imagining it all I felt as light as I never have before. It was also awkward crying in front of him but I’m sure I wasn’t the first patient to do that and certainly not his last either.

Anyway…he couldn’t tell me what exactly was wrong with me. For that he got me another appointment with another good shrink. And now is the time to make a guess when I got it =D …….3…..2…..1….. TWO MONTHS LATER! Again. Patience is indeed a virtue. She’s gonna talk to me for a looong time and make notes and probably even test out my brain to see if it works properly. I’ll be as stressed out as I was with the first appointment – I know that for sure but at least I got what I wanted. Kind of. The Diagnose is there. Only verbally but hey, sometimes it is enough to have someone listen to you for a few minutes, just to hear it’s okay, you’re not stupid, it’s not your fault and you are very brave for getting that far.

He didn’t say it with these exact words but that’s what I interpreted. After all he got me some medication to help me start the day easier, to get more productive and tell me I shouldn’t have waited this long for treatment. To be completely honest though, I feel good enough to not take any medication right now. I do feel stressed out a lot because of work and all but the sunshine helps me get out of bed and through the day so I might wait for the in-depth diagnose and then see what I have to do to finally feel like a normal person again. I hope this is where I can get.

I also can’t believe half a year has passed already again. It feels like yesterday when I wrote that post about the new years eve party. Kinda the same thing happened two weeks ago with a birthday party btw but I might rant about that when I have time. I’m sorry for the lack of updates and my dry and not so special writing but as I said I’m pretty stressed out about work. I’ll get to that later. Just wanted to give you my diagnose since that was what I promised.

Until the next update, take good care!

– signed A

The diagnose

Hey guys!

As promised, I made a huge step forward. Finally I seeked help, tough it didn’t turn out to be as easy as I thought it would be. The doctor I was originally supposed to call only had appointments left in July when I called in April. Yeah, you read right. July. Can you believe that? I am fine right now but think of someone who desperately needs help. There’s no way they could wait for three months just to get a diagnose or something. But whatever, of course I wanted to make use of my little energy push so I got another referral before I even got the chance to wait around for another week and managed to get an appointment in the first week of June.

I feel accomplished now and excited for it but I also am a bit..anxious. Which is really weird, don’t you think? All the time I wanted to seek help and now that I finally get it I am scared of it? I got to the bottom line of my thoughts earlier last week and I feel kinda shocked about catching myself hoping to be mentally ill. Don’t get me wrong here! I would love(!!) to just feel happy and be normal again, like the cute, energetic child I used to be before all this sh*t started, but getting no diagnose would mean it was all in my head. And that it was crazy and weird for me to think, that I was ill. Even worse – it would mean all the time I felt bad and lazy and idiotic and like a loser I actually WAS lazy and idiotic and a loser. It would mean that I’m back to square one and that it really is my fault.

I’m really scared of that. So scared that I’d rather wish to be ill than perfectly okay in my head. Doesn’t that sound alarming? But I don’t want to be a loser. I don’t want to find out I was running in the  wrong direction all this time and I could have turned around everything all alone but somehow I got caught up in this theory that I’m in fact ill and need help to get better just to have an excuse of letting myself go so easily and not changing on my own. To just follow the simple route. I am no one to take the simple route only because it’s the easier way. I also know that I don’t ever want to feel as bad and hopeless as I felt this winter season and that what I felt (or rather not felt) WAS real. It’s just now that the summer is here and the next wave of depression seems to give me a little pause I hope the diagnose is gonna be accurate.

I always catch myself thinking about how I should explain what it felt like to be me for the last ten years of my life. How hard it was and how much I wanted to be done with all this and why but then I stop myself and think: It’s not your duty to make the doctor believe you or put words in his mouth that you read online somwhere. HE is the doctor. He should know what to ask so he can get an accurate picture of how bad it really is, even though right now I feel a little better. He should know depression comes in waves. And I only need to remember what a horror those few months were for me and tell him when he asks about it.

I told no one about my appointment. Don’t know what I’ll tell my parents where I am. Probably out with some friend or something… I want to get the facts straight just in case it really happened all in my head. I know that’s not true. I know how being depressed feels like. I know I am in the middle of it. I just really hope my doctor will know just as good as I do after our talk.

In two weeks I’ll be back with my diagnose and hopefully a way out of my situation. When I get better I hope I’ll finally be able to write about some random things on here too. The blog really needs to be lightened up a bit. But first things first. Please wish me the best of luck.

Until then…take care!

– signed A

 

PS: Oh and in case you’re wondering…my eyes are fine! I don’t need glasses anymore and I enjoy my new freedom a lot =)

Life as a race

Hey there,

sorry for the long pause. There are so many things that have happened up to this point that I don’t even know what to begin with. First off, I guess, work is fine. It’s really hard getting up early. I tend to let my alarm clock ring ten minutes before I actually have to get up because I need said minutes to persuade myself to do so. Without this time just sitting around in bed feeling miserable in general I’d probably just be late for work all the time or have to run to catch my train. And if there’s one thing I absolutely disgust it’s having to hurry. Especially if days start miserable. And they do start that way. It doesn’t help that it’s still dark most of the days either…

I had to learn a lot for work but it gets better everyday now and time… well, it doesn’t exactly fly by but let’s just say – whenever I look at the clock it shows a different minute or hour and that’s nice. People are kind too so I just need to get the hang of the work flow now. But as I said – it’s getting better. Maybe it will even help with my self-esteem a little, talking to many people and knowing stuff and all that. I certainly hope so.

There has been another incident with my friend too which included me driving to her house like a madman and a few more things but I don’t really wanna get into detail with this. It was ugly. It was ugly enough for me to have a literal breakdown at work the next day – so like the 9th workday – which was very convenient of course but I managed to pull through and get some rest on the weekend. Also my boss was very kind to me that day so I guess that’s another plus for my work, right?

Most of the time, when I’m home I’m either sleeping or dowsing off or watching stuff because I’m always really tired and emotionally strained and exhausted and I hate it. I want to be productive. I don’t want to waste my time like that but I have a feeling that this is not gonna end with me getting used to working on weekdays.

I know I need more sunlight in my life, more people that give me a good vibe without me feeling guilty about it. I need more hope and confidence that future holds great things for me in store. That I can actually be someone – or if not someone for the world then at least the person I want to become. I don’t want to waste my time. The thing with my condition is, that I feel how I’m getting older. Time is running through my hands right now and I don’t have the energy to get a grip on it. I know it’s all my fault. It is my decision to not call anyone and seek help. And I make it everyday. And there is not a day that passes, on which I don’t sincerely think about it.  But somehow I always don’t. Just like I always don’t do anything else that’s productive or would help me reach for my goals in life. I can’t because existing is taking all my energy away so there seems to be nothing left for anything else.

I have so many passions and hobbies but just in theory because that’s what depression does. It brings you to a point where you can only say ‘I used to love to do that!’ instead of ‘Oh, I do it all the time.’ and actually getting better at it. Even when you have the time for it, it just never happens. So all the things I started or started to be kinda good at or have potential are…on hold. I feel like so much has been taken from me… And I would love to say that this makes me sad but in fact, I feel nothing. Hope is lost on me. Also when I go to work. I feel like a robot barely moving, just making the necessary steps to get where I need to function for 3 to 5 hours a day and then go home again. Is this how my life is gonna be for the next two years? I should have done something about this ages ago… And it still is a mystery to me how I can know all this but still not take action. Maybe I’m already in too deep.

At least today I treated myself to a delicious meal and I managed to write 2000 words on a story I want to publish one day. Makes like 10 000 words total…I’ll need far more than that though and there are so many things I want to do and experience. But most of all I don’t want to feel left out or left alone when I hear about someones success or step in the right direction. It hurts whenever I hear something though i might have the exact same chances. It’s just I don’t know how to use them. But that shouldn’t even bother me. Life is not a race. And even if it is – nobody, really nobody walks the same way I do. And I’m certain many would have failed to even get as far as I got for the moment. I’m still fighting my way through. I try not to hurt too much, to get over my exhaustion and one day I really might call someone for help.

i know this has been a very depressing post. I’m sorry guys. I just…don’t feel too well these days. But I’ll make it through. Just as I somehow always do. Until next time…

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A