Untying the knots

My mind is a complicated place. I try to unwind every thought but what I find is more paths to tread on, more knots to untie and most of them are big and strong and I don’t know if I’ll ever find peace.

All I do is create more thoughts, more sorrows, more knots with the cord that I try to untie. How can I make this stop? Most of my way to work consists of thoughts I’d rather not think through had I the choice. The sad part is… I don’t feel like I do. I’m just surviving, day by day. Slap the people I like in the face mentally or confuse them or fail to comfort them. I feel like I failed human kind with almost everything I am – well…at least the good sort of human kind.

Maybe I should go, see my therapist again… Just so that I can say I did something. But then again, what is he supposed to do? I can’t afford a therapy and I don’t want to take medications. But trying to get better, more out of life all on my own? I am already trying hard – or that’s what I make myself believe. Still I don’t know if I can try any harder and the thought of it makes me shiver with exhaustion.

Maybe I am just one of these people who will always feel lost in this world… If I don’t do anything that’s certainly what will happen. Though this is not what I hope for. I guess, I’ll just have to give it my all again.

Sorry about the sad ranting again… I am getting tired of it too.

Until my next post…take care. You deserve happiness.

-signed A

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My little night lights

Thanks to the the person on train who asked if I was feeling unwell, because he saw how pale and shortwinded I was, while all the other passengers just looked away pretending not to see that something was wrong.

Thanks to the nice lady at the drugstore who let me pay my stuff before her at her cash because I have been standing in my line forever before it got closed for no good reason and she saw that I was in a hurry already.

Thanks to the lady directly in front of me in line, who persisted on me accepting her five euro note because ‘young girls obviously had more good use for it than she did’ just because I helped her figuring out what kind of ticket she needed.

Thanks to the nice bus driver who didn’t let me continue to stand in the cold rain when I was twelve years old because I had neither a ticket nor money. He got me to the next train station safely without any charge. I didn’t even have to ask. He just opened the door and said ‘come in and sit down’

Thanks to all the people who call me in the service line and appreciate me trying to help them and actually telling me at the end of our call that I was competent and they were happy with my service. These are the people I go to work for.

A big thanks to the wonderful man who noticed my open bagpack and instead of just reaching in and pulling out my wallet (which he could have easily reached) he told me about it so I could close it. Years later I am still in awe and super thankful about this.

Thanks so much to the tough woman behind me at the concert who intently held back the crowd from literally squashing me just because everyone else wanted to be in the front too. She made the concert 1000* better. Without her I would have had bruises all over. When I thanked her after and wanted to buy her a drink she just smiled and told me ‘Just do something good for someone else. That’s all I want.’

Thanks to that one man who I asked desperately and out of fear at night whether he would walk with me just a few feet around the next corner, because there was an obviously drunk and aggravated man,  who had a lookout for women, right where I had to pass. The young man didn’t only say yes, he actually walked me to my doorway to make sure I got there safely. He held a respectable distance and I have to say I enjoyed our smalltalk along the way.

Thanks also to the man at the call center of the fire brigade, who I called when me and my former best friend had been chased by a man out in the woods. In my panic I called the wrong number but even so the man talked to us calmly and continued to stay on the phone for over fifteen minutes to make sure we were okay and he didn’t need to send us any help. I know it’s his job but I am still so thankful.

Thanks to all the employees in shops who – when I ask for their opinion – actually tell me the truth instead of what’s best for the company so I can figure out the best deal for me.

Thanks to my team leader who doesn’t just expects me to do my job properly – like most of them would – but continues to compliment me on my work. Just today a message randomly popped up on my computer telling me I had a great english accent and she loves my polite conversational skills. She probably has no idea how motivating this is.

Thanks to everyone else who let me skip them in line and not just nodded but smiled at me, as if to say ‘I don’t just accept your annoying request but I’m happy to help.’ It does happen and everytime I find myself thinking the world is not so bad after all.

Thanks to everyone who makes me feel welcome and loved. Even though I cannot always love myself.

Thanks to my family who doesn’t really understand what’s wrong but keeps track of my emotions and tries to help me in their own way when they sense something is wrong.

Thanks so much to my friends who know I may not stay in touch all the time, but I always come back to them so they are not concerned with it nor do they reproach me for this. Thanks also to them for not leaving me behind or forgetting me while I need my alone time.

And of course thanks for all the little things. The smiles you get when you pass someone by. The compliments on your outfit or how your hair is done. Thanks for leaving me the place to sit on train because you see I have a lot to carry. Thanks for taking the time to help me find my way if I am lost on the street. Thanks for grabbing that one item from the highest shelf in the shop when I cannot reach it. Thanks for helping me with my baggage if it seems too heavy for myself to get it stored properly. Thanks for clapping after I sang my song in the karaoke bar and telling me I have a great voice. Thanks for doing this all with a smile so I know I am not just annoying someone with my request.

For quite a few years my father used to switch on a night light just for me in the evening, so I wouldn’t stumble over anything should I get up at night. I will always love him for that and for so much, much more just like my mum. All these things I wrote down now feel like little night lights in my life, who make the darkness a little brighter and the coming days a little more bearable and worth living.

So I hope all these people have a wonderful life and get all the happiness and thankfulness back. They deserve it. Every single one of them.

-signed A

It happened again

After all I lied to everyone’s face. If they ask, I just stand there, telling them nothing is wrong. ‘It’s just me’ I say. ‘It will pass.’ It will. And so will I.

To be completely honest I am disgusted by this situation. Disgusted by the people around me, the world, myself. I wish I could say it can’t reach me. I wish I could say I don’t care. But that would be just another lie and I promised myself to get through this another way.

Maybe after all, I will need to be honest, lay the cards on the table and let the others decide whether I am weak or incredibly strong.

A sad excuse

Why is it so hard to tell the truth? To just tell people about how you feel and what motivates you, what you care and wish for. What hurt you the most… Why do people always try to hide who they really are, leaving their skeletons in their closets, hoping no one would ever gonna open it up and see them. And if somebody asks, if someone really cares to know… why can we not just accept our faults and lay them open. Why is it so hard to make yourself vulnerable?

The fact, that nobody knows about it doesn’t change how hurt or vulnerable you really are. It just makes things so much more difficult. You take so much effort in trying to hide things or feelings that might –  in the end – not even be that weird or difficult to understand in the first place. Still you hide them with such intense passion, leaving you exhausted and forced to lie just to keep your façade still intact. You build a construct full of lies just to make people see that you, you are invulnerable. That you don’t care what others do or say, that you are healthy and have no skeletons – probably not even closets to hide them in.

I don’t know what to think anymore. Neither do I know what to do and what to say. My last few days consisted of straight nothingness with occasional thoughts and guilt about how much time I actually had to fix my life or do something productive. But next week my life’s gonna start again. Full time. I’ll be at work again. I should muster up my energy and take hold of the time I still have. I can’t though. Somethings always holding me back…

I’m tired… So tired… Always needing to be strong for someone else… What about me though? Am I losing myself in this? Am I already gone? Where does life take me?

Soon enough I’ll need an answer to this question. I don’t want to die. But doing what I’m doing now… I don’t think I actually have a good enough excuse to live either…

I need a change of pace. I need energy and passion. But where do I get it from? I obviously am no longer capable of “living life to the fullest” though my parents would be devastated to hear that. Sometimes I feel far too lost, far too ridiculous, far too lazy, too quiet, too stupid, too unimportant. Pack these things all up and you’ll get me in a nutshell. Or maybe it’s just this voice inside my head that keeps telling me lies about myself and everyone else. I wish I could drown it out. Then again I wish for many things.

I seriously need to get myself up. I need to do something, to prove myself something, anything, whatever makes me feel better. I suppose I will try. Maybe I will fail but the attempt might be more than enough and perhaps something amazing will come out of it.

Wish me luck.

– signed A

The fault in being mediocre

Hello guys!

These thoughts I’m going to write down now are running through my head regularly but the last few weeks had some pretty hard experiences for me in store that made me realize I’m not ready to keep my head up high reguarding this topic.

Nobody ever wants to feel mediocre, right? Everyone wants to be cheerished and mean something to the world around him. As do I. I especially feel like I need this since I’m so often in self-doubt it hurts to look at myself sometimes… After all I am 25, haven’t done much in my life. I might be good at some things but everything I do, I never manage to be better than mediocre. More often than not I hate the stuff I create and when I actually do manage to produce something I might be proud of for a little while someone else comes right around the corner and the world cheers for the exact same effort or creation just made so much better. So much more noticeable. It doesn’t matter whether I can sing or not. The person right next to me is bound to be complimented before anyone cares to listen to my song.

I thought I came to terms with this quite some time ago but apparently I haven’t. The world seems to neglect me and the people around me do such a great job following in it’s footsteps. Everyone else seems so much more important. At some point everyone seems to forget about me. I’m always too quiet, too stern, too timid. I should be louder, should be more careless. I should be brave. I know they don’t notice. I know they don’t mean it that way. It just happens. And in the end I always seem to think it is my own fault. Being mediocre AND introverted never is a good mix. It hurts to write about it but I need to get this out of my head.

The last setback I received happened this saturday at a barbeque I already didn’t know whether I wanted to attend it or not anyway. The one before that was on thursday. In german we would call this: Geballte Ladung. But anyway…I don’t think anyone noticed what was wrong with me. Nobody guessed it anyway but the thought is so present and so hurtful I don’t know how long I can keep this all inside.

I yearn to mean something to the world around me. I want to give something to the people and get a little something back in return. I want to feel important and worth something. To be noticed. I yearn to get cheerished once in my life before somebody else does. I don’t always want to hear the half meant attachement “Oh and you were great too” anymore. It hurts too much to listen to it. It hurts that nobody actually sees the hurt beneath my mask either, when something like this happens.

But all I do is good for nothing. It’s not missed, it’s not something worth waiting for, even if I tell someone about it. When was the last time somebody really asked me how I felt? And meant the question, awaited an honest answer? When was the last time I was standing in the middle of the crowd if only for one minute and nobody else took away their attention from me? When was the last time I spoke up about this?

It’s like I have given up even if I try hard not to… But even if I try…there’s always something getting in my way. Not necessarily my depression but other more unpredictable matters. I don’t have anything worth to show to the world. I don’t seem to have a place, I don’t seem to have a plan and nobody would care to see either of it. I know they say there’s always someone who’s bound to be better than you are but why must they always be someone I’m close to, I’m bound to collide with. My sister, my best friend, my colleague at work…

The world always tells you to be nice to people, to patronize and be happy for these people because everything else would be selfish and childish and not everything revolves around you. Yes. In fact, nothing revolves around me. And I do feel happy for them in some way. It’s just that it hurts too, see them succeeding in something I love and not just because they worked for it. After all I’m the one standing in the back, trying hard to get to the front once in a while just for a split second. I am the one who feels like every move and effort is in vain even if you put all your heart into it because somebody will always snatch the laurels from me. I know not everything revolves around me. I don’t want the whole world to notice me. I just want the people I like to see my efforts and cheerish my talents for what they are. I want them to see and listen when I have something to show or to tell. Not to be talked over. Not to stand in the shadows. Is that too much to ask?

It’s funny somehow. I kind of feel like Salieri in the movie Amadeus. You want so much to be noticed, not only to receive but to give but nobody cares enough to see. And it hurts even more if someone comes along and with such grace and as casual as possible shows you how it’s done properly and even though you try so hard… Nobody appreciates you and your efforts. As if you never mattered in the first place. I really try so hard to be seen. It’s just hard to keep going when you know nothings gonna change anytime soon…

There is so much more to be said about this but for now this is all I can write. I might come back to this topic soon though. I feel like summer is gonna be full of situations that make me feel this way.

Until then…take care.

– signed A

Whatever‘s left

Before you ask: Yes, I’m still lurking around in this bottomless pit. ‘Maybe though’, I said to myself, ‘Maybe my plastic life – the one that I’m living right now – is not gonna stop me from doing something productive at least today.’ So far so good: A new post is in the making. Although I am not really sure what the writing process will bring.

If you care to know about what happened between me and my friend then I am sad to say we have talked and have not come to a convenient, fulfilling answer. Or at least I haven’t. It’s still weird and I’m still wondering what to do about it. The only difference now is, that she knows I find it weird. Currently – or rather would it not be for my post – we would be talking about it again and I am still trying to find out whether I am just too sensitive to everything right now. To be honest though, I always thought I knew what was going on around me (mostly my friends, not everyone else) and I’d be really pissed to find out, this time my mind played a trick on me because “HAHAHA all the old stuff is, well…getting old!”

I just feel the need to not be as close to her as I used to be. I should never be closer to a person than the person is to me – if this sentence actually makes any sense… It makes me uncomfortable. Vulnerable. Last time I was too stupid, too slow, to see my best friend found other things and people to attend to and I was benched. As soon as I found out and turned my back on her she regretted it but it was already too late to change. Let’s just say: It hurt a goddamn lot. Imagine a harvester running over your everything. Twice. I told myself I was strong back then. I tended to my wounds and helped myself up. I also swore to myself that this would never ever happen again this way. I would be the one to let go first, if necessary. When it’s your own decision you can at least prepare yourself for the pain.

Regarding my down I reached recently… It’s not gone yet. I had some really hard days where pulling through was all I could do. A good friend of mine was there for me on Saturday evening and it got really late. We ate strawberries, talked a whole lot, drank some wine… Today was/is a hard day. I honestly hope life gets easier again in a few days – hopefully tomorrow? (Pretty please???) And finally I would know what to think of that situation with my friend… Maybe, just maybe in order for me to grow up, I need to say goodbye to this friendship. After all, this is the only reason I feel like acting like a child sometimes… We’ll see what happens next.

So yeah… changing subject: I was also thinking about putting some of my…supercute drawings on my blog. Before you ask: No, I can not draw and the ‘supercute’ was more of a sarcastic element in this sentence. I really thought about it though. Not just drawings but some that fit to the story. My favorite blog on the internet does this all the time and I feel like it could be a nice addition. I might just try it out next time. As for this time: I am unprepared. But I also really want this to be a fix thing now. I’ll try to be posting once every other week at least and give a little update or talk about whatever I consider fitting haha. Or you just let me know what you want to know or care to hear me talk or rant about =) I’d be honored to fulfill some requests.

Until my next post…take care!

– signed A

This is not a happy post

So I’m really sorry about you having to read something depressing again but I feel the need to express myself right now and the sole purpose for this blog initially was, well, to be able to express myself.

I’m just gonna say it: I had a breakdown. A real one with every nonexistent emotion you could possibly have. Like…the nonexistent self hatred. Nonexistent frustration, nonexistent sadness, disorientation, weirdness, confusion, desperation, anger… And over all of course the nonexistent madness that comes with it all. I was crying so hard, I couldn’t stop the tears while wondering why the only thing I REALLY felt was emptiness. It was more like…thoughts I had that should have triggered all these emotions but didn’t or at least triggered them in such a soft fashion that they might have never existed at all. And my body just reacted to it with tears and swollen eyes because apparently that’s what it remembers happening years and years ago in what feels like another life. Back then when I still COULD feel sadness and anger and confusion. When emotions were real. Even to me they felt real.

So yeah…now? Not so much anymore. I don’t feel. I know what I should feel when I think about certain stuff but it just…mostly doesn’t happen. Right now while writing this I actually yearn for something to make me feel alive again but everything seems so exhausting and there is nothing I really WANT. Of course not. How can you want something if you don’t feel? Nothing makes you happy, there’s nothing you really care about, nothing makes you feel cosy or content or really proud… You don’t have plans for things because making plans and seeing them through needs commitment and you don’t have that when you don’t care.  The only thing you think about is ‘how much time is it gonna take?’ because really…you don’t have enough time for merely existing and that either gets in the way of your social life because you start avoiding people, or said social life exhausts you so much you don’t exactly know what to do with yourself anymore after a substantial amout of time.

And that – everyone – is the reason for my breakdown today. Well, at least some of it. I won’t tell you what triggered it. I won’t tell you what kind of thoughts I had. Let me just tell you – it was a really serious, dark place. What’s funny is – this just came to my mind right now – that people who asked me if I was feeling well, or how life was going actually never got an honest answer for quite a while now. I’m not quite sure if in my mind I was subconsciously waiting for the next throwback or if it was just me not realizing that I already was in a weird two steps forward, one step back-position and telling them nothing in particular felt better than saying something like ‘Oh yeah, I can’t complain because frankly me and my brain don’t feel enough emotions to actually care.’ Although I honestly wonder how people would react to this. I might just try this someday…

Anyway…the best way to explain is probably this: Imagine a soft rubber substance. You kinda can see through but whenever you try to cut it it just falls back in place leaving no space for you to get to the insides. And now imagine all your thoughts, nerves, feelings, emotions…EVERYTHING to be these exact insides. You know it’s all there, you just can’t get to it and to be honest…even that doesn’t make you feel sad. Only confused. Or well…you know you should feel confused. But if you think about it a little harder, go a little deeper you realize that in the end, you don’t really care about that either.

Life in plastic. Not so fantastic. Yeah…a plastic life. Not real. Intangible. Useless. I was thinking hard before I started writing this post, trying to remember the last time I really WANTED something. Like…not the little things. I know for example this saturday I craved this chocolate milk I had seen earlier while buying groceries. And I also remember disappointment stirring in me when I couldn’t find it in the super market anymore. But that’s not what I mean. I mean big things. Things to DO. Things that take something in order to give something cooler back. Like creating a memory. Being creative. Meeting up… There are a few occaions when I think ‘well, I could do this. There’s a little part of me that would like to do this exact stuff now’ or ‘hey, let’s be sociable – you have so much spare time to spend.’ but nope. Most of the time I don’t do it and when I do I don’t look forward to it. It’s just so exhausting. Do I enjoy myself in those moments, like, when they are actually here? It depends. I can’t tell you though, that thinking back I remember joy or satisfaction. I try to grab the feeling through the rubber substance and break through the plastic life I live in but there’s still a difference between TELLING yourself to feel something and actually feeling it without having to grasp for it in the first place.

Maybe I give up too early? Maybe this is all my fault? Maybe I deserve all the bad feelings I feel like I should have and all the allegations are justified. You see…I’m confused and insecure. My ill mind hit me hard today. Came in like a wrecking ball and I didn’t even see it coming.

Wow – three references to songs and movies tied in a really serious post…. At least I haven’t lost my humor. Or maybe this is the madness showing, I wanted to talk about earlier. Tears kept coming but soon after I laughed like I had just heard the funniest joke there is to be heard. I still don’t know why I laughed. The situation certainly wasn’t funny but I guess you take what you can get, right? Maybe at that point my body realized it’s mistake and wanted to make up for it with laughter. Be it as it may… Now an hour after the start of a really hard time I feel better now. Still empty and weird but better. Anyway…I wish you guys the very best of luck and a good time and FEELINGS as many as you can take! I promise you – you will miss then when they’re gone. (4rth reference I suppose… Nobody can tell me I wasn’t creative with this at least.)

Okay, enough joking around. I’ll keep you updated. Until then…take good care!

-signed A