Thoughts don’t come in order

Today I don’t even know why I sit here. There is so much to write about but none of it is fun or remotely positive so I would love to just skip it. Also my thoughts are in such a disarray…where to start?

First off, one of my friends is going to move to the US. That’s a long way away from here and I will miss her a lot. The moment could almost not be worse but well, I am happy for her and it will still take some time. For her though I hope everything turns out how she always wanted it to be.

Also, this was the first birthday that I didn’t spend with my former best friend. And there’s even more to this: We didn’t even celebrate. She asked me loosely about it but it never happened and now I kinda don’t want to anymore. I knew at some point this would happen but it still is a strange feeling.

It’s also still pretty weird between us both. She still does not get my point of view and even if, she got too selfish to help me out of this mess that I am in now. I don’t trust her anymore. I don’t know her anymore. I miss the person I used to know not who she is right now. And I am not getting the vibes that she wants me to get to know her. Obviously that’s because she tells me she didn’t even change much. Well, how am I supposed to know? All I know she has a ton of new hobbies I am no part of. She has a ton of friends she’s going out with rather than asking me whether I want to spend some time on one particular day with her. And she got pretty selfish. It all became so negative in such a little timespan. So…we don’t spend time together and what little time we spend might or might not be spent fighting and that’s not helpful at all. Or I am trying hard not to fall into old habits. Or I keep thinking about how someone could have changed that way. Anyway…do not get me wrong. I changed too – I am pretty sure of that and I do make use of the newly won freedom meeting up with friends, finding new hobbies, working on myself and my future. But right now she just doesn’t get that I have absolutely no motivation to share my life with a stranger rather than a real friend.

Wow, I have written far to much in this topic since opening up this blog. It doesn’t seem to get old. I wish it would just stop.

My parents are fighting again too. I hate it. Right now I can only count on myself and some friends I haven’t yet introduced you to and – to be completely honest – I might never actually. They have been here for me for years now. Twelve years and counting, to be exact. I love them, I know for a fact that they love me back and whenever I need them, they are here. I trust them like no one else in this world and beyond that.

Thanks for being here for me. Thanks for helping me through the mess that I call my life. Sometimes – even in bad times – it’s a party. I love you all…

Well, that’s that. I just had the feeling I needed to get this out. A longer update will follow shortly – I promise. It’s just too late for that now and also, like I said, my thoughts don’t come in order. It wouldn’t be fun reading them at all. So until next time – take good care.

– signed A

Advertisements

One of the crowd

I don’t even know where to start. So much has happened. It still does.

First off…remember that one friendship I keep wondering about? Well, I can tell you this: It’s almost over. I stopped caring that much and all of a sudden life feels so much easier on me. Sure, I think about it a lot. I even just now wrote a rap about it (or song or something. All I know is that it rhymes a lot and was fun to do). I am still wondering and yeah, I am still sad inside. But I distanced myself emotionally after a rather hardcore commotion which (she thinks) was totally my fault, though I don’t regret anything tbh. I looked after myself and cared about what I wanted more, just like she did the months before.

Anyway… After this fight or whatever I decided that maybe it was time to stop. Stop caring. Stop thinking. Stop waiting for something to take away my worries. It would not happen anytime soon because she never understood what I so desperately tried to make her see. But maybe it was time to start more things. Like…start to care about myself. Start seeing people who I KNOW care about me. Start taking care of my own projects more. Well, that’s what I did. It felt great. A lot of people noticed. And they noticed a positive change I should say.

Of course and for the record: I don’t want to blame my psychological state on her but since this change, my down has also disappeared. I dived through it and I have felt more alive in the last few weeks than in the last year probably. I should tell you, after my previous blog post I did see not my psychologist but my doctor. He gave me some pills – I didn’t take them but I have them at home just in case my psyche gets worse again. Let’s hope not though.

Needless to say, I made use of the last weeks. I wrote a lot, sang a lot, met a bunch of people, slept less, laughed more. I felt alive. I still do. It feels amazing. I was so thirsty for feeling the wind on my face again. To breathe in again. To feel the rain on my skin. For the urge to live.

It’s sad that my (well…now former best) friend doesn’t get to see this change. Well, she does but not from a close distance. I don’t know whether she feels hurt or if it makes her wonder at all that right after our big fight, my down is gone and I look like a completely different person sometimes. I can look myself in the mirror again and like what I see. I go out and flirt. I smile when I go to work (though work is a pain in the *** most of the time). We don’t talk that much anymore. Everything we had seems gone. Like I have told her many, very many times before. It’s just that now I don’t care enough to bring them back again. I tried so much to turn this around… She didn’t see. She didn’t want to understand. She never cared to really listen to what I had to say about my feelings and the feelings I had about our friendship. About how she made me feel – maybe without any intention to do so. She was too busy telling me I was wrong and overreacting.

Guess what? She told me a few weeks ago that, yes, some things in her HAVE changed. That’s what I always said. But instead of telling me what happened, she just made me feel like I was a paranoid, unpleasant weirdo. Thanks for that. Thanks for finally letting me know.

It might be too late for us now though… You see… I don’t have trust in her words anymore. I see how much more she invests in other friendships now because I don’t invest enough in our friendship myself. The only problem with that is, that I stopped caring. Go out, have fun. Yeah, it sometimes makes me sad to see but then I realize I do the same thing an move on with my own life because she doesn’t concern me enough anymore. She made me feel like I haven’t been a part of her life in such a long time… Why would all the investments in other friendships change anything for me now?

She tells me she really does care about us. She wants to make this work. I don’t see it. All I see is small, tiny efforts once in a while but the most important stuff falls under the desk so nothing actually changes. For 8 months now I’ve constantly told her I was worried that she didn’t seem like she cared enough. Now she began telling me, that if I don’t seem to care, she wouldn’t show it either. Isn’t that counterproductive? Wouldn’t you say that I had more reason to feel no motivation at all?

I still think the problem is that she finds, she hasn’t done anything wrong. And yeah – maybe she IS right. Maybe the only thing she should have done different was telling me EARLIER that she has changed and therefore our friendship has too.

Maybe I should let go of the past – yeah, there was a time where I definitely wanted to work on getting closer again and ignoring everything else if she showed me she cared. But now… I am not so sure anymore. Also because I don’t see any effort in her. Just pictures and memories she makes with other people now. I am nothing more than one of the crowd.

If she does that to prove to herself she doesn’t need me anymore and also wants to hurt me with this… I just want her to know that I know how she feels. I’ve been there before. Not anymore though. I just don’t want to give more than I get back when nothing I say, none of my concerns are taken seriously. In the end what she makes me feel is what counts, not what she says.

I’m sure there’s plenty more to be said about this but it’s getting late and tomorrow is my favorite day of the week. Monday >_>

I have to go to sleep, read over my song again. I promise this time it won’t be another month until I post an update. There was just so much stuff to do for me.

Until then… Enjoy yourself and take care.

– signed A

Whatever‘s left

Before you ask: Yes, I’m still lurking around in this bottomless pit. ‘Maybe though’, I said to myself, ‘Maybe my plastic life – the one that I’m living right now – is not gonna stop me from doing something productive at least today.’ So far so good: A new post is in the making. Although I am not really sure what the writing process will bring.

If you care to know about what happened between me and my friend then I am sad to say we have talked and have not come to a convenient, fulfilling answer. Or at least I haven’t. It’s still weird and I’m still wondering what to do about it. The only difference now is, that she knows I find it weird. Currently – or rather would it not be for my post – we would be talking about it again and I am still trying to find out whether I am just too sensitive to everything right now. To be honest though, I always thought I knew what was going on around me (mostly my friends, not everyone else) and I’d be really pissed to find out, this time my mind played a trick on me because “HAHAHA all the old stuff is, well…getting old!”

I just feel the need to not be as close to her as I used to be. I should never be closer to a person than the person is to me – if this sentence actually makes any sense… It makes me uncomfortable. Vulnerable. Last time I was too stupid, too slow, to see my best friend found other things and people to attend to and I was benched. As soon as I found out and turned my back on her she regretted it but it was already too late to change. Let’s just say: It hurt a goddamn lot. Imagine a harvester running over your everything. Twice. I told myself I was strong back then. I tended to my wounds and helped myself up. I also swore to myself that this would never ever happen again this way. I would be the one to let go first, if necessary. When it’s your own decision you can at least prepare yourself for the pain.

Regarding my down I reached recently… It’s not gone yet. I had some really hard days where pulling through was all I could do. A good friend of mine was there for me on Saturday evening and it got really late. We ate strawberries, talked a whole lot, drank some wine… Today was/is a hard day. I honestly hope life gets easier again in a few days – hopefully tomorrow? (Pretty please???) And finally I would know what to think of that situation with my friend… Maybe, just maybe in order for me to grow up, I need to say goodbye to this friendship. After all, this is the only reason I feel like acting like a child sometimes… We’ll see what happens next.

So yeah… changing subject: I was also thinking about putting some of my…supercute drawings on my blog. Before you ask: No, I can not draw and the ‘supercute’ was more of a sarcastic element in this sentence. I really thought about it though. Not just drawings but some that fit to the story. My favorite blog on the internet does this all the time and I feel like it could be a nice addition. I might just try it out next time. As for this time: I am unprepared. But I also really want this to be a fix thing now. I’ll try to be posting once every other week at least and give a little update or talk about whatever I consider fitting haha. Or you just let me know what you want to know or care to hear me talk or rant about =) I’d be honored to fulfill some requests.

Until my next post…take care!

– signed A

This is not a happy post

So I’m really sorry about you having to read something depressing again but I feel the need to express myself right now and the sole purpose for this blog initially was, well, to be able to express myself.

I’m just gonna say it: I had a breakdown. A real one with every nonexistent emotion you could possibly have. Like…the nonexistent self hatred. Nonexistent frustration, nonexistent sadness, disorientation, weirdness, confusion, desperation, anger… And over all of course the nonexistent madness that comes with it all. I was crying so hard, I couldn’t stop the tears while wondering why the only thing I REALLY felt was emptiness. It was more like…thoughts I had that should have triggered all these emotions but didn’t or at least triggered them in such a soft fashion that they might have never existed at all. And my body just reacted to it with tears and swollen eyes because apparently that’s what it remembers happening years and years ago in what feels like another life. Back then when I still COULD feel sadness and anger and confusion. When emotions were real. Even to me they felt real.

So yeah…now? Not so much anymore. I don’t feel. I know what I should feel when I think about certain stuff but it just…mostly doesn’t happen. Right now while writing this I actually yearn for something to make me feel alive again but everything seems so exhausting and there is nothing I really WANT. Of course not. How can you want something if you don’t feel? Nothing makes you happy, there’s nothing you really care about, nothing makes you feel cosy or content or really proud… You don’t have plans for things because making plans and seeing them through needs commitment and you don’t have that when you don’t care.  The only thing you think about is ‘how much time is it gonna take?’ because really…you don’t have enough time for merely existing and that either gets in the way of your social life because you start avoiding people, or said social life exhausts you so much you don’t exactly know what to do with yourself anymore after a substantial amout of time.

And that – everyone – is the reason for my breakdown today. Well, at least some of it. I won’t tell you what triggered it. I won’t tell you what kind of thoughts I had. Let me just tell you – it was a really serious, dark place. What’s funny is – this just came to my mind right now – that people who asked me if I was feeling well, or how life was going actually never got an honest answer for quite a while now. I’m not quite sure if in my mind I was subconsciously waiting for the next throwback or if it was just me not realizing that I already was in a weird two steps forward, one step back-position and telling them nothing in particular felt better than saying something like ‘Oh yeah, I can’t complain because frankly me and my brain don’t feel enough emotions to actually care.’ Although I honestly wonder how people would react to this. I might just try this someday…

Anyway…the best way to explain is probably this: Imagine a soft rubber substance. You kinda can see through but whenever you try to cut it it just falls back in place leaving no space for you to get to the insides. And now imagine all your thoughts, nerves, feelings, emotions…EVERYTHING to be these exact insides. You know it’s all there, you just can’t get to it and to be honest…even that doesn’t make you feel sad. Only confused. Or well…you know you should feel confused. But if you think about it a little harder, go a little deeper you realize that in the end, you don’t really care about that either.

Life in plastic. Not so fantastic. Yeah…a plastic life. Not real. Intangible. Useless. I was thinking hard before I started writing this post, trying to remember the last time I really WANTED something. Like…not the little things. I know for example this saturday I craved this chocolate milk I had seen earlier while buying groceries. And I also remember disappointment stirring in me when I couldn’t find it in the super market anymore. But that’s not what I mean. I mean big things. Things to DO. Things that take something in order to give something cooler back. Like creating a memory. Being creative. Meeting up… There are a few occaions when I think ‘well, I could do this. There’s a little part of me that would like to do this exact stuff now’ or ‘hey, let’s be sociable – you have so much spare time to spend.’ but nope. Most of the time I don’t do it and when I do I don’t look forward to it. It’s just so exhausting. Do I enjoy myself in those moments, like, when they are actually here? It depends. I can’t tell you though, that thinking back I remember joy or satisfaction. I try to grab the feeling through the rubber substance and break through the plastic life I live in but there’s still a difference between TELLING yourself to feel something and actually feeling it without having to grasp for it in the first place.

Maybe I give up too early? Maybe this is all my fault? Maybe I deserve all the bad feelings I feel like I should have and all the allegations are justified. You see…I’m confused and insecure. My ill mind hit me hard today. Came in like a wrecking ball and I didn’t even see it coming.

Wow – three references to songs and movies tied in a really serious post…. At least I haven’t lost my humor. Or maybe this is the madness showing, I wanted to talk about earlier. Tears kept coming but soon after I laughed like I had just heard the funniest joke there is to be heard. I still don’t know why I laughed. The situation certainly wasn’t funny but I guess you take what you can get, right? Maybe at that point my body realized it’s mistake and wanted to make up for it with laughter. Be it as it may… Now an hour after the start of a really hard time I feel better now. Still empty and weird but better. Anyway…I wish you guys the very best of luck and a good time and FEELINGS as many as you can take! I promise you – you will miss then when they’re gone. (4rth reference I suppose… Nobody can tell me I wasn’t creative with this at least.)

Okay, enough joking around. I’ll keep you updated. Until then…take good care!

-signed A

I think I’ve seen a ghost

Apparently the long pause of text messages between my friend and me has not been the beginning of a new era. Or maybe it has but on Sunday it didn’t really seem like that big of a deal to me anymore – at least not overall. So I decided to send her a pic I had promised to send her before. Just the pic without any text. She wrote back almost immediately and we talked a little more after that. It felt okay.

Then, yesterday at work she wrote me in chat – yeah we do have a chat function which is very cool if you have secret stuff you want to talk about – if everything was fine and we basically sorted it out. Kind of. Look, I know I am a weird, twisted person and her words were reassuring but I still feel like I need to step back a bit. She told me about how she thought about all our fights and that she probably wanted too much. It was really funny to read because she expressed the exact same thoughts I did, when I was writing my last post. You know…all the ‘you’re gonna push the person you love away and stuff’. Go read it, if you haven’t already. For a moment I honestly thought she read my entry but then there is absolutely no way since I have never ever told her the name or anything else connected to this blog. She knows it exists and that it’s a lot about my condition and stuff but that’s all. Has she found it? Probably not. Hopefully not haha. God, I really hope not…

Well, I digress. For years and years we were having the same discussions over and over again. Me wanting more alone time, me wanting to decide whether I write back the moment I get the message. Me wanting to go out with people and not having to tell her, when I do so. Me wanting to have some privacy and not tell her every little thing that happens or ever happened in my life. She always felt hurt about that. I wasn’t allowed to keep secrets of the past. Me refusing to give her every part of me was a huge problem but I was not able to do it. And to be completely honest, I didn’t want to either.

You see…the problem with a person you love so much, but who is loved by others much more than yourself almost all the time is that you are bound to feel jealous at some point. Even though you hate yourself for it. You start to feel not good enough. You keep looking at that person you love so much and start to feel hate and guilt at the same time because she is oh so perfect and everyone sees her and likes her so much more. How cool she is and her hobbies are so special and OH! You see how stunning she looks?! She’s better at everything, makes people laugh, gets invitations to every party. Luck follows her around wherever she goes and just to cut a little deeper, she is diligent too, getting much more stuff done than you ever could.

She seems to beat you in every effing section in life, be it creativity, social matters, luck, work, the list goes on and the worst part is that none of this is really her fault. It hurts to see this but I also know I can’t blame her for being liked. Don’t get me wrong. There definitely ARE people around here that like me too, I just need a little more time to come out of my shell and unfortunately society doesn’t grant you said needed time. They go for whoever fits first and I am sad to say, it is always her. You get home after what was supposed to be a really fun night out and all you can think of is ‘why is she so much more successful than you are? Am I not loveable enough?’ You push back the tears and the frustration and need to remind yourself every minute that ‘No, it is not your best friends fault.’ Neither is it yours. That’s just how things are. It still hurts though…

To be exact here… I NEVER blamed this on her. i never even said this to her face but I cannot say, that she has never felt my sadness about this in other ways. Most of the time I just give up, go quiet and distance myself a little to try picking myself up again. Now just imagine being confronted by this five days a week, if not 24/7. Every time you do something together. You go out, you go shopping, you meet up with friends… This voice in my head that keeps telling me I can’t ever reach this height is always present. Sometimes it whispers. Sometimes it screams into my ears. But it is always there, never silent.

I always thought to myself when we had these said discussions, that at least I can see her own faults now. I know she has some and they show themselves once in a while. At least SHE loved me more than anyone else. SHE thought I could do stuff better. SHE didn’t care about other peoples attention, as long as she had mine. SHE thought i was beautiful and yeah, to me that mattered a lot. The person who is so much more loved by others, loved me above everyone else. It gave me a little comfort. Only that yesterday she told me, that now she finally understood what I meant. That I was right all along, when I said, I need my own space, that she will just brush it off, if for some reason i would not write back for a few hours for whatever reasons. She doesn’t care whether I go out with friends and not tell her. Sure, she would like to know but it’s fine if it just doesn’t come up.

Sounds awesome right? I got what I always wanted. Part of me is happy about it – also because I know how hard it sometimes was for her. So yeah. It is awesome. Only that…the change felt so sudden. Not only that, I feel like she is slipping away from me. She told me that was absolutely not the case but after all she was the one who basically kicked me out two weeks prior in a nice way because she had some plans with her dad working in the apartment. She also didn’t seem too excited when I asked her if she wanted me to stay a day longer at her home last thursday. Also we used to write a whole lot in the evenings over text message. Now as soon as the evening starts I can be happy about what? 5 messages? She doesn’t ask me to come over, she stopped asking me about my day… Everything just…stopped or changed. Don’t get me wrong now, I am happy for her if she feels better now but I cannot help but feel confused about all this. She tells me everything is fine. Her feelings regarding me haven’t changed but why does it feel so different then? Am I really that paranoid? Does she care to her life without me more, because she feels like that’s what she needs? She told me that’s not what it is.

I know I am doing exactly what I shouldn’t. The toxic behaviour hasn’t stopped lol. The only difference is, I never told her about me sometimes thinking exactly the same things she was. I just tended to my own projects, cared about my own life and tried exactly what I already wrote in the last entry: To remind myself that my life is beautiful and not lost without her in it. I feel like this is still the way to go for me. It might be a hard way but in the end…if this is where we’re going – and to me, even though she says nothing in her behaviour has changed, this is exactly where we’re going – then I won’t be the one fighting against it. I will grow with the challenge. I did it once before.

So yeah, I’ll just stick to my plan. Writing less, seeing her less, just getting a feeling of where she might just spring into action again. Once again I don’t think I’m seeing ghosts. Yeah I know that her change of thoughts about this is new to me and I need to get used to my newly won freedom. But that’s not all there is to it. I feel like somewhere we are drifting apart and since I learned, that you need to go quite a distance before you can drift back together, rather than trying to follow and pushing and pulling to get back where you once were, this is the way for me to go.

Please wish me luck, that all this works out fine and that soon, I’ll get behind all this. Tomorrow night at least, I’ll be home safe and sound. Unexpected, but so it will be.

That’s all folks – I need to head to bed. Until next time…take care!

– signed A

Mistakes were made

So, another month practically flew by and you have absolutely no idea how worrisome it has been. I screwed up at work twice – once because of my rather occupied mind and a second time because there was really important information, when I started my knew job, I should have gotten but didn’t. So practically it was not a 100% my fault. Also it was a misunderstanding and started not that good in the first place.

Well, the first fault I was able to completely obliterate once I found out about it and it was no big deal. The second one… You have no idea how much trouble I had keeping my mind from thinking about it. Keeping from feeling guilty about this one and playing the situation over and over in my mind, thinking it through to try and find out if I could have prevented anything from happening. To be honest, I’m sure I overreacted a little but there I was, having a really hard time with my family – the day before, I kept arguing with my parents about the whole situation…well…discuss, I would say. I was tired, exhausted, sad and distressed already and then this unfortunate incident occured and left me even more distressed. The first few days I could hardly think about anything else even though my team manager told me it really wasn’t that big of a deal. I do trust her but she wasn’t with me when it happened. She just trusted me when I said it was an honest mistake out of inexperience. Still – I can’t stress it enough. How am I supposed to know something nobody told me about in the first place when I started my job?

There’s a good chance she’ll get back to me about this – after all that’s what we said we would do but so far nothing has actually happened. I really do hope she just lets it fall. The only thing that sums the consequences of this mistake up is, that there’s one more person in the world who was probably angry for a few hours or a day and that’s it. Nothing more. I hope I didn’t jinx it now, writing about it here and that tomorrow she’ll call me over, telling me she’s ready to take another look at it. But honestly…It’s been over two weeks now and I would feel so much better just moving on from it. I already know what went wrong and trust me: This will never happen again. You think, shoudl she ever want to talk about it again, I should tell her that? Let’s just hope she lets it slide. I’d be so thankful for that… Feeling guilty is already nasty as it is.

Other than that nothing really happened I could talk about. My parents were close to divorcing. Probably more often than I can count. Last weekend though they spent a lot of time together and enjoyed it. I don’t know what that means but if there’s anything I have learned is that I cannot change the future by worrying about it too much. What they make of their relationship is their business. All I can do is watch. Just as I can only wait and see what my teammanager decided to do now.

I picked up welsh again. Learning a few words everyday now and getting the grammar right. I’m actually quite proud of my progress and I absolutely hope to use it this september, when I’ll make a trip to Wales for a few days =) Also I’m trying to look decent in summer so I attempt to do some gymnastics at home. So far nothing has changed but I already know this takes time. BUT I went climbing with friends on Saturday and I realized I had  more strengh and endurance than I originally thought which felt great. I was proud of myself =) So yeah, a few good things happened too.

And I just gotta tell you. The sun feels awesome. Sometimes a bright light is all I need in my life. Bright light and a good book.

Okay, so that’s my update for today. Sorry it’s all over the place and weird and I can’t go into details too much. I just wanted to tell you I’m still here fighting =)

Until next time…take care!

– signed A

Love hurts

My parents have been in love for 28 years straight and a little longer. And then something happens and the love changes and shifts and suddenly you start to wonder if you really could have been so naive to think love stays for forever. It had been around for such a long time I took it for granted. I took for granted, that my dad thanked my mum on his birthday last year, because she stayed by his side and made him feel accepted and unique and that she was the most beautiful soul to him to this day. I took for granted feeling welcome in this house and seeing them together holding hands on occasions. It was just normal life for me. Everyday.

And now I see how my mums happiness slowly decays, if it exists anymore at all. She has aged so much in these few weeks – I see her everyday but today I noticed and it shocked me to the bone. It’s really true that happiness and harmony help you age well. But when it suddenly disappears… My mum looked so good for her age. Now she looks almost like a ghost, her skin like soft tissue, pale like our cold white wall, her smile never quite reaching her eyes. It’s hard to see her like this. I wish I could do more for her. I wish I could make her feel happy again. I wish I could change everything that has happened in the last few months.

I try to be there for her. I’ve never seen her cry like this before. I’ve never had my parents come to me, seeking advice before. You know – we always lived in perfect harmony. In our family there was so much harmony it was almost bloody disgusting. Not on every corner and we have had our share of discussions and fights but we always found a way back together. Somehow we just knew everything would be okay again. My friends would say my parents were the perfect couple and I would look up to them, proud to have them as my family, wishing for a relationship as steady and loving as theirs. These feelings are new to us all.

And I don’t blame my dad. He never wanted it to come this far. He always wanted the best for us but as I already said – things happen and you start to think and wonder and sometimes your mind starts to wander without your permission and your heart follows and you can’t stop either of them. He’s not in love with someone else in case you’re wondering. He’s rather not in love with anyone anymore – not even with himself. And that’s the root of the problem. Even I wasn’t sure if he was still proud of me, if he still loved me, if he wanted to spend time with me. Maybe he just didn’t have the energy and it would have been fine to just say so. With all my inner conflicts I would have totally understood. But he prefered to remain silent and so our minds started to wander and we painted our own pictures of what he needed and wanted and how our future would look like. Whether we would continue being a family or not.

Today we had a long talk and I feel like – and on a sidenote: I find this quite ironic – they can’t make it on their own anymore. They decided to seek help like I did last year ago. I would have to look up the exact date when I finally made my decision and called someone but it can’t be that far from march. Maybe we’ll all have an anniversary next year…

Well enought with the jokes. This situation isn’t that funny. It never has been… The pain is real. My dad hurts because of his inner demons and because he hurt my mum a lot. My mum hurts because all she wanted was to see us all happy and be with my dad for the rest of her life and now she lost all her trust in their relationship. My sister hurts because she has no idea what the **** is going on. And I’m hurt because I sit in the middle of this desaster and wonder where all this will end. And also I wonder why I don’t have the superpower to just make all the bad feelings disappear. And why I can’t make people see different angles of a situation. I wonder a lot. But most of all I don’t want to see my family hurt. I hope we’ll find a way. I’ll keep you updated…

Until then…take care!

– signed A

 

 

P.S.: Also I’m really sorry for not writing happy things again. You’ll just have to wait a little while longer. Hopefully not that long… Yeah, I’m rooting for that too.