To be entirely honest I don’t know when I wrote my last post here. I don’t even remember exactly what it was about. Did I already tell you I moved out? That I continued to work on my goals with some breaks in between because there was just too much going on in my life to focus on anything that wasn’t helping solving any of the issues or getting some workload off me?
Today though – and I wish that wasn’t the case – I need to get something else off my chest. I honestly thought I was fine with some weird weeks in december and january continuously pulling me under the surface and making it hard for me to do anything at all. I got better again once the sun came out more and I even worked out three to five times a week, depending on my work schedule. Everything went well. I had good weeks. Turns out though, I’m not fine. Not even close to that.
Oh god, I don’t even know where to start. It was a lingering feeling at first. A soft whisper, making me all too aware of how worried I am about the future. What am I going to do? How will I earn enough money to come by? Will I hate my job? How will I find a job that fits me? What happens if I can’t find one after I quit my old one? Will I ever stop regretting my past? Am I running out of time? Why am I not capable of loving anyone?
I accepted it’s existence and tried to ignore it. Today was the day though. That one clear moment when I realized I have already given up. Or I am extremely close to it. Dying now would probably not make any difference to me. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying I want to something bad. No, I am too sane for stuff like this. It’s just that…would I somehow find out that I only had like 24 hours to live… The only reason to start crying would be my family. Not myself. What’s the point? I don’t believe in a happy future – as much as it pains me to admit. Or well, as much as it should pain me to admit, I should say. But at this stage I’m not even hurt anymore. All I feel is… it’s so strange that I can’t even describe it. It’s not emptiness but it kinda is. It’s not uncertainty or sadness or even exhaustion though that might play a part. Disorientation maybe. But strangely far away. Like somone else feels on my behalf. Certainly not me. Where are my feelings?
I seem to be able to have and express them just fine whenever I watch movies or fangirl about anything I like. But there is nothing that actually lingers. Not even my own achievements. I passed my exam? Nice! I worked out for an hour? Be proud of it! And I am for about half a second. But I can’t store or take this feeling for myself. It’s just a small glimpse of light bound to burn out as soon as the action ends that took me an awful lot of effort to start with and pull through. Then I’m back in this void of greyscales. As soon as it’s my own life…good luck finding anything but wasteland. And if I do through hard work… it sinks to the bottom to remind me how insignificant it is given the context of my life.
I feel like I’m lost in a maze I created myself and I can’t find the exit no matter how hard I try. I see signs pointing to possible ways but every one of them drags on forever or turns out to be of no help at all and the small things I find along the way are worthless in the long run. They don’t change the fact that I’m stuck here. I’m stuck in this maze without a happy ending. It’s kinda funny. And sad at the same time. But I can’t feel sad so I might as well laugh about it and weird myself out.
I don’t know why I just can’t be happy? Content with who I am, what I am working on? I want to feel alive. Not just for a few minutes, not because of some show I watch but because of my own experiences. In school we talk about empowerment a lot. I shoved my way through a lot of barriers in my life already but some just seem unbreakable. Can I not risk to break them or am I scared to try and fail, having risked a lot along the way? The thing is I may be able to reach my own goals I set for myself last year just fine. But in the end it won’t change my life. It won’t bring me back the time I lost or make me younger. It won’t make me lose my caution, worries or hopelessness. And it won’t make me believe in things which just ain’t gonna happen.
I have so many ideas but I don’t see the point in trying. I will probably get nowhere with them as well. I will just put in a lot of thought and strengh just to be frustrated because it won’t work, I won’t get anywhere with it or no one cares. Also I wouldn’t even know where to start. So I just leave it and regret.
No motivation, no energie, no purpose. Not the will nor the bravery. I feel like I will forever be less than average no matter what I do and how hard I try. I turn the wrong corners or none at all out of fear to lose what I tried so hard to gain in the past. Maybe I do have a future – the sad part is I am not excited to find out. Let alone live it through.
And with these words – I promise I will hang on, I guess – I hope you feel better about what lies ahead of you. Sorry I had to make everything depressing again.
Until next time…take care.
-signed A
Bottled up tight 