Comatose

How do you say goodbye to something you’ve been used to having for the last few years of your life? How do you just walk away from something that used to be one of the most important things to you in your life? Even if you knew it had an expiration date.

How can you manage to feel at peace knowing someone else took your place and you might not be missed at all, even if you know with you it’s exactly the same. You don’t miss much, you are happier than you’ve been all these years before.

Maybe you realized that you were on the run. Maybe spending time with that person felt like a holiday, putting a halt to your own life and problems you should have dealt with sooner. And maybe that was why you felt so vulnerable around that person and so uneasy spending time in groups sometimes. Because you knew you might get to the point where you have to face said problems. You might get dragged back to all these things that are going wrong and this time you won’t be able to close your eyes and turn your back on them. Because others were starting to see them too.

Maybe you used this person as a refreshing safe haven. And as long as you could forget everything was fine. But going back to your own life once in a while, you realized nothing really changed. Just the date. Just the month. Just the year. You were in a coma, you yourself chose.

And that’s what makes you so much happier now, so much more stable. You have faced yourself. Finally. You know what to expect. There was no place to hide anymore. Maybe you grew tired of hiding anyway and it felt good to turn and face, rather than to walk away again. Maybe this time you made the right choice, even though you had to leave something behind.

 

This something will always be dear to me. The things I experienced while feeling comatose will always mean a lot to me. And maybe it’s not a goodbye forever. For now I am happy with my life, even though I realize there are things I wish I could get back. That doesn’t make me weak. It just teaches me that even though running from my life wasn’t an overall good decision, the memories I gained from that time were worth it.

I am fixing it now, savouring these memories, learning from them.

I’ve gotten stronger. And one day I will feel at peace with myself and the way we ended, no matter what end that may be.

Thanks for reading and take care.

– Signed A

P.S. Reading through this again. I am relieved to have figured it out.

Irony

Hey guys!

Originally I wanted to write a resume for last year but thinking about it I do not want to dwell too much on most of the things that happened. It hasn’t been bad altogether but there have been some extraordinary changes and most of them have yet to be resolved. Some I took a part in and still do, others I have no control over and, well, some might also be of the sort you could actually make an effort to change but wish you couldn’t.

The bad stuff that happened regarding my parents ripped a hole in family life. It’s not as bad as it could be – at least not on most of the days – but it is still taking a toll on me. I tried my best to help. Nothing’s changed. Seeing my mum hurt so much tears me to pieces though…

And god, I can’t believe this dilemma with my former best friend continued on for so long now, we’re gonna have anniversary soon. Just not the good kind. Fighting anniversary. It’s been over two months – almost three now since I’ve last stayed over night. There are times where I miss the old relationship we had. Like when I’m watching a good movie or do something we used to talk about. Then there are times where I am just too disappointed and repulsed by most of the things she has said and done to me in the past weeks/months. I kinda want to resolve things and get back to normal whatever normal is but then I find the thought of me getting closer again quite alarming. Right now I feel fine when I do not dwell too much on the things we had. Why change that and put myself in danger once again?

“Leave the memories alone. I don’t want to see the way it is as to how it used to be.” (Fuel – Leave the memories alone) It’s lyrics from a song I really like and they fit perfectly. It’s exactly that. Just pretend you don’t notice. Don’t help yourself to remember. Don’t remember at all for now. It’s so weird not having to say anything to the one person you wanted to tell everything just a few weeks/months prior. It’s also weird to think about all this and not feel hurt anymore but that’s exactly what’s happening. A friend told me a few days ago “You don’t hurt anymore. You just feel sad. But that’s when you know you start to heal.” She’s right. If I really wanted I could take the last step and move on for good without her.

Regarding work there was good and bad stuff. The good was me getting my promotion, the bad that the promotion turned out a pain in the *** a few months later. I am not stuck with it. I have the chance to leave my team behind me and take on a new chapter but I do not know whether I am ready for that or not. I want so much to go back to college but getting another job would mean working more hours. As much as I fought until now, I am not sure I can handle more hours plus college… But it’s just one of many opportunities that will open up, right? The new year has just started. No one knows what it will hold in store for me.

A good thing is that I actually made peace with someone from my past and we write once in a while, taking each other back to when it was just us and a big secret we still share. I feel a little more free now because sometimes this still lingered on my mind. Knowing I was not the only one helps.

I also started taking singing lessons and I like it so far =) Although I know I will never want to become a professional singer I just want to be good at it and the lessons help me to feel better about myself. Apparently I also have a range of four octaves which – with training, obviously – I could learn to control and use for all these beautiful songs out there I always wanted to sing but couldn’t.

And then I have found a new friend. The irony behind him is, that we befriended each other that exact day where I refused to go to the party of my former best friend after a fight we had. I just wasn’t sure whether it mattered if I came or not so I decided to arrive late and not stay for too long. I told her I would arrive late, went to a friend’s house to talk and cool down. She however had invited someone else too and we ended up drinking and chatting. Staying that long at my friends house caused a huge fight because I did arrive late to the party just like I said I would and helped drive in a nail into the coffin of my former friendship. But I do not regret a thing. M and I stayed in contact since then and he introduced me to a new video game I love now and have parties regularly. I trust him. He likes me a lot too =)

“And when you slammed the front door shut, a lot of others opened up” (Daughtry – Over you) One friendship almost ended that day – it was huge drama after that, I can tell you that much – another one started. I even celebrated New Years Eve with M and his friends, spent the whole next day with him and his girlfriend. Something that was always a thing for me and my former best friend. I don’t regret it. I had one of the best NYE ever. EVER. Honestly. Not only because I love homparties and grew fond of the people there but because of taking a midnight walk, having fun on the way home, going on the swings and looking at the stars and finally staying in bed the whole day after watching shows and movies with someone who cares about me and wanted me to see them.

Maybe this really was a new beginning. I’ll hold these memories dear to me. They may not sound special to anyone else in this world. Laughable even. To me they mean something and remembering how I felt that day makes me smile. I hope it will continue to do that forever.

Oh well, I’m sure soon I’m gonna have something else to talk about. And if not, I’ll just think of something. I didn’t want to have another month-gap in this blog but December was pretty busy for me and I didn’t feel too well so I hope you don’t mind.

Until next time…take care and all the best of luck for this year!

– signed A

How to make it work

Hey guys. I’ve got a question for you.

Why are relationships so difficult? And I not only mean couples. I mean every single kind of relationship. Sisters and friends and even the one you have with yourself. It’s just not fun dealing with them. I’ve had so many set backs in relationships in my life, I couldn’t count them even if my life depended on it and I know I’m not the only one here.

And it’s not only that you need to take care of the ones you’re having with other people – there’s always that one friend or family member who has a problem and wants to ramble about it with you or needs your help or your advice. The world is full of relationship problems – it sometimes makes me wonder why we deal with them in the first place.

You know, I’m considering myself as a very weird person to deal with. I know I’m far from easy to handle but I’m giving my best even if – considering my psychological status – it might not come across as much. But still I’m trying. I like to think that everyone does. It’s just that sometimes its so hard to let go and understand. Or even if you understand the problem, it’s just so hard to change things. Sometimes change IS the death of said relationship. Sometimes you try but everything seems to be in vain and you keep wondering why you haven’t given up yet and can’t find the answer to that question anywhere. Or you don’t want to find it because you know it would hurt or just really screw you up in a very gross way.

Sometimes these tiny little problems show up without warning and before you even realize what you just did or said upset someone, you find yourself stricken in half hearted excuses or completely annoyed at the subject of said problem. Maybe you’ve already gone over it a thousand times and you keep claiming and discussing the same stuff to no avail. And soon enough you feel like someone or something stirs your feelings like a farmer would plow his field. It seems so wrong.

Like you can never make it right. Really right. And on the other hand no one can make it perfect for you. There’s always gonna be pain or distrust or resentment at some point. You never get over it. And the closer you get, the riskier it gets. These negative things feel like hurdles you can’t jump over. You just keep spinning around them to avoid them until you suddenly turn too sharply and it’s already too late to turn back or stir in another direction because you’ve been too close for that to begin with. It’s gonna take a while to get back to spinning around again. We in Austria call that Drahtseilakt. Feeling always on edge, feeling like everything can turn around in just a few seconds. It only takes one word, one gesture, one moment to ruin it all. At least for a little time.

Okay, maybe I’m being too dramatic here… It’s just that I’ve witnessed some pretty bad miscommunications and discussions over christmas and I feel sad for that. Sometimes you want so badly to make it right but you just…you just can’t. And you cannot make the other one understand either. There’s always a way if the two of you pull in the same direction. But as long as the relationship lasts, there’s always gonna be fighting material as well. The more time you spend together, the harder it gets. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt. I just hope it’s not too late. I hope we all can pull in the same direction. I hope we all have the strengh and the will to make it through.

…Just throwing that out there. I’m sorry for this out of context writing. I just needed to get that down I guess. It seems like this is gonna be my last post for this year. It’s certainly not gonna be my last ever. If I have any New Year resolutions it’s definitely to write more posts on here than just one for each month.

We’ll see how I get to that. I wish you all a Happy New Year. May your start be merrier than mine and until next time…take good care.

– signed A

My Birthday week

Hey you guys!

I’ve got news!!! No, not THAT kind of news. But news nonetheless. First off… I couldn’t bring myself to see this doctor again. I just can’t and I feel like I’ve delayed it so much already, that I don’t even care anymore about what the specialist said. To me it doesn’t matter right now because I’m not as stressed out as I have been the last few years this time around. I just need to take care of myself. Because I know how I feel and that something is wrong but also, that I’ll be fine if I just care for myself in the ways I need. Who cares what a doctor is going to say anyway?? (As long as you don’t feel too bad, you don’t. I know you don’t.)

My birthday week(s) were awesome. My best friend gave her all to make these days the most exciting and wonderful I’ve had in a long time. She also took care of a few points on my bucket list I wanted to get rid of before I turned 25 but sadly never got around to. We had a huge party on Saturday from like 10 am to Sunday same time. All my best friends attended – not one of them (!!!) canceled, though one of them studies in another big city and she had to drive for 3 hours to get here. One was sick a little and two of them have a full time job and pets to take care of. I already wrote a post about people and attending parties these days – it was around last years New Years Eve. A desaster. You just can’t take anyones word anymore… But it worked for my birthday. And that was probably the best thing about it all.

Also even though not all my friends knew each other – everyone got along so well and they were keen on every activity we did. I mean everyone knows that one guy who comes along but doesn’t really seem to bother to get involved and everyone thinks he has a bad time, right? He’s just kinda there and nobody knows why. At that party no one was like that. The whole 24 hours we had fun. We went to a thermal spring, did some beauty masks so I would look good for the photo shooting, played games and went to a karaoke bar. Every single one of my friends sang. It was awesome. Having them over, chatting, laughing, just being with them all… I loved that day.

The next few days were sprinkled with adventures. Just small things like the photo shooting, a dinner and crime party, a personal scavenger hunt, going to an amusement arcade and a casino, a Segway drive… We also wanted to fly a kite since I can’t really remember doing it before but it for once it wasn’t nearly windy enough. We had a family party too since I wasn’t home for my real birthday, because on Friday we took off to Paris. I didn’t know where we’d go until I took off my blindfold right at the airport. To be honest I didn’t even expect we’d fly anywhere – I thought we’d be leaving by train. But no. There my best friend was, buying flights for the both of us, booked a hotel room with  a perfect view from the bed straight to the Eiffel Tower only a few hundred metres away. It was like a five minute walk. She thought about everything, bought a guidebook, booked a fancy dinnertable for two at the Ciel de Paris for my birthday evening. The food was great, I got free ice cream and a candle to blow out and the view was breathtaking. It was a wonderful birthday.

On the last day we let some sky lanterns fly in the night sky. It was so beautiful and magical that people actually stopped by to tell us how nice this idea was. By that time we had already seen the arc the triumph, notre dame, versailles, the louvre, the rue de rivoli and champs elysees, the pont alexandre, the bookstore Shakespeare and Company, the conciergerie  montmatre and of course Disneyland. Yes, I was tired ALL the time because there was so little time and so much to see but I loved every second of the trip despite the lack of sleep and exhaustion. The last thing we did was go up the Eiffel Tower. To say goodbye to Paris. I suppose I don’t have to tell you, the view was gorgeous.

Well… that was my birthday. A month has passed since then and iIstill remember it all clearly. The people were so nice, the public transport so very different and irritating, the houses so beautiful and I swear! On every corner we saw a pharmacy. On literally every corner. It was so weird. My feet never hurt so bad in my life, we ate subway almost every single day because of the high dinner prices and we enjoyed it. I learned a few french words, fought an amazing galactic battle in space, got a silhouette from montmatre of me… On my birthday we walked home all the way from Ciel de Paris back to our hotel (which had a rain shower by the way! I love those things!!) and that’s probably one of my favorite memories. Just talking casually, wandering through the streets, always the Eiffel Tower in sight – because obviously it marked our way home. I also got to buy my favorite french sweets. Carambas which are like long caramel candy bars. They taste delicious.

Anyway. I’m so thankful I got to experience all this just because my friends all consider me worth it. They consider me being with them enough, a good enough friend. Probably this is what gives me strengh to get through the last weeks of this year. Not saying there’s gonna come tough times again too. But for now I know my family and friends love me to make all these things for me, they care to see me happy and that’s what I’m grateful about the most.

For now that’s all I wanted to tell you. I’ll see to writing another update before this year ends. Until then… Take care!

– signed A