Whatever‘s left

Today I don’t even really know what to write about. I just felt like writing a post and so I just turned on my laptop and sat down. ‘Maybe’, I said to myself ‘Maybe my plastic life – the one that I’m living right now is not gonna stop me to do something productive at least today.’ So far so good: A new post is in the making.

If you care to know about what happened between me and my friend then I am sad to say we have talked and have not come to a convenient, fulfilling answer. Or at least I haven’t. It’s still weird and I’m still wondering what to do about it. The only difference now is, that she knows I find it weird. Currently – or rather would it not be for my post – we would be talking about it again and I am still trying to find out whether I am just too sensitive to everything right now. To be honest though, I always thought I knew what was going on around me (mostly my friends, not everyone else) and I’d be really pissed to find out, this time my mind played a trick on me because “HAHAHA all the old stuff is, well…getting old!”

I just feel the need to not be as close to her as I used to be. I should never be closer to a person than the person is to me – if this sentence actually makes any sense… It makes me uncomfortable. Vulnerable. Last time I was too stupid, too slow, to see my best friend found other things and people to attend to and I was benched. As soon as I found out and turned my back on her she regretted it but it was already too late to change. Let’s just say: It hurt a goddamn lot. Imagine a harvester running over your everything. Twice. I told myself I was strong back then. I tended to my wounds and helped myself up. I also swore to myself that this would never ever happen again this way. I would be the one to let go first, if necessary. When it’s your own decision you can at least prepare yourself for the pain.

Regarding my down I reached recently… It’s not gone yet. I had some really hard days where pulling through was all I could do. A good friend of mine was there for me on Saturday evening and it got really late. We ate strawberries, talked a whole lot, drank some wine… Today was/is a hard day. I honestly hope life gets easier again in a few days – hopefully tomorrow? (Pretty please???) And finally I would know what to think of that situation with my friend… Maybe, just maybe in order for me to grow up, I need to say goodbye to this friendship. After all, this is the only reason I feel like acting like a child sometimes… We’ll see what happens next.

So yeah… changing subject: I was also thinking about putting some of my…supercute drawings on my blog. Before you ask: No, I can not draw and the ‘supercute’ was more of a sarcastic element in this sentence. I really thought about it though. Not just drawings but some that fit to the story. My favorite blog on the internet does this all the time and I feel like it could be a nice addition. I might just try it out next time. As for this time: I am unprepared. But I also really want this to be a fix thing now. I’ll try to be posting once every other week at least and give a little update or talk about whatever I consider fitting haha. Or you just let me know what you want to know or care to hear me talk or rant about =) I’d be honored to fulfill some requests.

Until my next post…take care!

– signed A

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I think I’ve seen a ghost

Apparently the long pause of text messages between my friend and me has not been the beginning of a new era. Or maybe it has but on Sunday it didn’t really seem like that big of a deal to me anymore – at least not overall. So I decided to send her a pic I had promised to send her before. Just the pic without any text. She wrote back almost immediately and we talked a little more after that. It felt okay.

Then, yesterday at work she wrote me in chat – yeah we do have a chat function which is very cool if you have secret stuff you want to talk about – if everything was fine and we basically sorted it out. Kind of. Look, I know I am a weird, twisted person and her words were reassuring but I still feel like I need to step back a bit. She told me about how she thought about all our fights and that she probably wanted too much. It was really funny to read because she expressed the exact same thoughts I did, when I was writing my last post. You know…all the ‘you’re gonna push the person you love away and stuff’. Go read it, if you haven’t already. For a moment I honestly thought she read my entry but then there is absolutely no way since I have never ever told her the name or anything else connected to this blog. She knows it exists and that it’s a lot about my condition and stuff but that’s all. Has she found it? Probably not. Hopefully not haha. God, I really hope not…

Well, I digress. For years and years we were having the same discussions over and over again. Me wanting more alone time, me wanting to decide whether I write back the moment I get the message. Me wanting to go out with people and not having to tell her, when I do so. Me wanting to have some privacy and not tell her every little thing that happens or ever happened in my life. She always felt hurt about that. I wasn’t aloud to keep secrets of the past. Me refusing to give her every part of me was a huge problem but I was not able to do it. And to be completely honest, I didn’t want to either.

You see…the problem with a person you love so much, but who is loved by others much more than yourself almost all the time is that you are bound to feel jealous at some point. Even though you hate yourself for it. You start to feel not good enough. You keep looking at that person you love so much and start to feel hate and guilt at the same time because she is oh so perfect and everyone sees her and likes her so much more. How cool she is and her hobbies are so special and OH! You see how stunning she looks?! She’s better at everything, makes people laugh, gets invitations to every party. Luck follows her around wherever she goes and just to cut a little deeper, she is diligent too, getting much more stuff done than you ever could.

She seems to beat you in every effing section in life, be it creativity, social matters, luck, work, the list goes on and the worst part is that none of this is really her fault. It hurts to see this but I also know I can’t blame her for being liked. Don’t get me wrong. There definitely ARE people around here that like me too, I just need a little more time to come out of my shell and unfortunately society doesn’t grant you said needed time. They go for whoever fits first and I am sad to say, it is always her. You get home after what was supposed to be a really fun night out and all you can think of is ‘why is she so much more successful than you are? Am I not loveable enough?’ You push back the tears and the frustration and need to remind yourself every minute that ‘No, it is not your best friends fault.’ Neither is it yours. That’s just how things are. It still hurts though…

To be exact here… I NEVER blamed this on her. i never even said this to her face but I cannot say, that she has never felt my sadness about this in other ways. Most of the time I just give up, go quiet and distance myself a little to try picking myself up again. Now just imagine being confronted by this five days a week, if not 24/7. Every time you do something together. You go out, you go shopping, you meet up with friends… This voice in my head that keeps telling me I can’t ever reach this height is always present. Sometimes it whispers. Sometimes it screams into my ears. But it is always there, nerver silent.

I always thought to myself when we had these said discussions, that at least I can see her own faults now. I know she has some and they show themselves once in a while. At least SHE loved me more than anyone else. SHE thought I could do stuff better. SHE didn’t care about other peoples attention, as long as she had mine. SHE thought i was beautiful and yeah, to me that mattered a lot. The person who is so much more loved by others, loved me above everyone else. It gave me a little comfort. Only that yesterday she told me, that now she finally understood what I meant. That I was right all along, when I said, I need my own space, that she will just brush it off, if for some reason i would not write back for a few hours for whatever reasons. She doesn’t care whether I go out with friends and not tell her. Sure, she would like to know but it’s fine if it just doesn’t come up.

Sounds awesome right? I got what I always wanted. Part of me is happy about it – also because I know how hard it sometimes was for her. So yeah. It is awesome. Only that…the change felt so sudden. Not only that, I feel like she is slipping away from me. She told me that was absolutely not the case but after all she was the one who basically kicked me out two weeks prior in a nice way because she had some plans with her dad working in the apartment. She also didn’t seem to excited when I asked her if she wanted me to stay a day longer at her home last thursday. Also we used to write a whole lot in the evenings over text message. Now as soon as the evening starts I can be happy about what? 5 messages? She doesn’t ask me to come over, she stopped asking me about my day… Everything just…stopped or changed. Don’t get me wrong now, I am happy for her if she feels better now but I cannot help but feel confused about all this. She tells me everything is fine. Her feelings regarding me haven’t changed but why does it feel so different then? Am I really that paranoid? Does she care to her life without me more, because she feels like that’s what she needs? She told me that’s not what it is.

I know I am doing exactly what I shouldn’t. The toxic behaviour hasn’t stopped lol. The only difference is, I never told her about me sometimes thinking exactly the same things she was. I just tended to my own projects, cared about my own life and tried exactly what I already wrote in the last entry: To remind myself that my life is beautiful and not lost without her in it. I feel like this is still the way to go for me. It might be a hard way but in the end…if this is where we’re going – and to me, even though she says nothing in her behaviour has changed, this is exactly where we’re going – then I won’t be the one fighting against it. I will grow with the challenge. I did it once before.

So yeah, I’ll just stick to my plan. Writing less, seeing her less, just getting a feeling of where she might just spring into action again. Once again I don’t think I’m seeing ghosts. Yeah I know that her change of thoughts about this is new to me and I need to get used to my newly won freedom. But that’s not all there is to it. I feel like somewhere we are drifting apart and since I learned, that you need to go quite a distance before you can drift back together, rather than trying to follow and pushing and pulling to get back where you once were, this is the way for me to go.

Please wish me luck, that all this works out fine and that soon, I’ll get behind all this. Tomorrow night at least, I’ll be home safe and sound. Unexpected, but so it will be.

That’s all folks – I need to head to bed. Until next time…take care!

– signed A

Ignore this post. It’s weird.

So I gotta be honest with you right there. I think being as close to your best friend as I am to mine is breaking someones neck in the long run. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. A week or something to be exact and as hard as I tried to find a good reason to stay as close (despite all the fun we have together) and not seeing all this end poorly hasn’t worked out for me so well.

It all started with little fights again and me not believing some things she tells me or at least me reckoning she sometimes doesn’t tell me the whole story for obvious reasons. It’s just…in the first posts I told you guys about this big fight with her and it still isn’t fully over. At least not for me. I mean yeah, we are having good times but I can’t seem to trust her fully anymore and I definitely don’t feel the need to move in with her any time soon. I think moving together would be the death of our friendship or – if not that – the death of my sanity. Other than that – and as long as we don’t talk about touchy subjects – we’re fine.

There are just some things I can’t stand. I know for a fact that some of those things make me look like a bad friend and are toxic for a relationship, being it a friendship or a real commitment. I’m trying hard to change. So far it’s not working too well. On the other hand…it’s not like it’s all my fault. She has a handful of them too and even though she claims everything is fine…I always find a reason to believe the opposite. Maybe I’m searching for them, maybe though, I am right and not seeing ghosts and everything is gonna start over again. Our friendship feels strange lately and when I told her that she just said I was overreacting and that none of what I said is actually true.

Yeah, I might be seeing ghosts. I might also be seeing the future. You see: When you want to be the most important person in someones life you’re bound to get hurt. It’s just that easy. There’s always gonne be something new and interesting and cooler to explore. And if there isn’t, you’re always gonna wonder when something new, more interesting or cooler might pass you both, leaving your friend to follow and you behind them all alone again. If you worry too much – THAT’s when you start having the time of your life. In a bad way. You start pushing the person away from you because fights are unavoidable if you want to control a persons life, even if it all happens out of fear of loss. You start driving the person away from you and panic when you discover exactly that. More and more fights are the outcome. It’s like a huge spiral of doom with no exit, no way out. Once you’re in there it’s hard to stop. Well, I’m kinda sad to say, that sometimes we are both guilty of that. That’s what makes it so difficult.

Taking a step back on your own sometimes works. That’s what I’m trying to do right now. Stepping back to see, whether the other person follows or not. And if not, well…then at least I am the one who initiated the real change. I’ll stick to myself this weekend, see if any messages will pop up once in a while. So far nothing. Might be, because yesterday felt strange and I said something about enjoying her day leaving me open the possibility whether I’ll write back again or not but in the end I was the one who wrote the last message later that day.

Okay. Reading over all this again makes me feel embarrassed. It seems so childish to me but I can’t help feeling this way…. And you guys probably don’t care about the stupid “who messages first or last” – thoughts and yeah, you are right. It should not matter. And with every other friend – I guarantee you, it doesn’t. I’m just so used to us being close even after what happend in 2016, I know our habits and I tell you: Once it started feeling normal and being important, it will be for a long time until you try hard to change that. I am trying right now. I need to get some distance between us, remind me again, that my life can be beautiful and my spare time can be important without her in it. I never was a dependent person and I don’t plan on start with it now.

I suppose I will see what will happen. Either way, stepping back might be exactly what I need. If she does the same I honestly don’t know where we wil end up or if we’re even gonna end up anywhere at all. But leaving or for that matter the change won’t hurt as much if you choose to do the same. At least you’re in control of your own life and in the end that is all that really matters.

Please don’t judge me for this absolutely childish and weird post. I’m having a weird phase again right now. I’ll talk to you again when I feel a little more sane, haha.

Until then, take good care!

– signed A

How to make it work

Hey guys. I’ve got a question for you.

Why are relationships so difficult? And I not only mean couples. I mean every single kind of relationship. Sisters and friends and even the one you have with yourself. It’s just not fun dealing with them. I’ve had so many set backs in relationships in my life, I couldn’t count them even if my life depended on it and I know I’m not the only one here.

And it’s not only that you need to take care of the ones you’re having with other people – there’s always that one friend or family member who has a problem and wants to ramble about it with you or needs your help or your advice. The world is full of relationship problems – it sometimes makes me wonder why we deal with them in the first place.

You know, I’m considering myself as a very weird person to deal with. I know I’m far from easy to handle but I’m giving my best even if – considering my psychological status – it might not come across as much. But still I’m trying. I like to think that everyone does. It’s just that sometimes its so hard to let go and understand. Or even if you understand the problem, it’s just so hard to change things. Sometimes change IS the death of said relationship. Sometimes you try but everything seems to be in vain and you keep wondering why you haven’t given up yet and can’t find the answer to that question anywhere. Or you don’t want to find it because you know it would hurt or just really screw you up in a very gross way.

Sometimes these tiny little problems show up without warning and before you even realize what you just did or said upset someone, you find yourself stricken in half hearted excuses or completely annoyed at the subject of said problem. Maybe you’ve already gone over it a thousand times and you keep claiming and discussing the same stuff to no avail. And soon enough you feel like someone or something stirs your feelings like a farmer would plow his field. It seems so wrong.

Like you can never make it right. Really right. And on the other hand no one can make it perfect for you. There’s always gonna be pain or distrust or resentment at some point. You never get over it. And the closer you get, the riskier it gets. These negative things feel like hurdles you can’t jump over. You just keep spinning around them to avoid them until you suddenly turn too sharply and it’s already too late to turn back or stir in another direction because you’ve been too close for that to begin with. It’s gonna take a while to get back to spinning around again. We in Austria call that Drahtseilakt. Feeling always on edge, feeling like everything can turn around in just a few seconds. It only takes one word, one gesture, one moment to ruin it all. At least for a little time.

Okay, maybe I’m being too dramatic here… It’s just that I’ve witnessed some pretty bad miscommunications and discussions over christmas and I feel sad for that. Sometimes you want so badly to make it right but you just…you just can’t. And you cannot make the other one understand either. There’s always a way if the two of you pull in the same direction. But as long as the relationship lasts, there’s always gonna be fighting material as well. The more time you spend together, the harder it gets. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt. I just hope it’s not too late. I hope we all can pull in the same direction. I hope we all have the strengh and the will to make it through.

…Just throwing that out there. I’m sorry for this out of context writing. I just needed to get that down I guess. It seems like this is gonna be my last post for this year. It’s certainly not gonna be my last ever. If I have any New Year resolutions it’s definitely to write more posts on here than just one for each month.

We’ll see how I get to that. I wish you all a Happy New Year. May your start be merrier than mine and until next time…take good care.

– signed A

My Birthday week

Hey you guys!

I’ve got news!!! No, not THAT kind of news. But news nonetheless. First off… I couldn’t bring myself to see this doctor again. I just can’t and I feel like I’ve delayed it so much already, that I don’t even care anymore about what the specialist said. To me it doesn’t matter right now because I’m not as stressed out as I have been the last few years this time around. I just need to take care of myself. Because I know how I feel and that something is wrong but also, that I’ll be fine if I just care for myself in the ways I need. Who cares what a doctor is going to say anyway?? (As long as you don’t feel too bad, you don’t. I know you don’t.)

My birthday week(s) were awesome. My best friend gave her all to make these days the most exciting and wonderful I’ve had in a long time. She also took care of a few points on my bucket list I wanted to get rid of before I turned 25 but sadly never got around to. We had a huge party on Saturday from like 10 am to Sunday same time. All my best friends attended – not one of them (!!!) canceled, though one of them studies in another big city and she had to drive for 3 hours to get here. One was sick a little and two of them have a full time job and pets to take care of. I already wrote a post about people and attending parties these days – it was around last years New Years Eve. A desaster. You just can’t take anyones word anymore… But it worked for my birthday. And that was probably the best thing about it all.

Also even though not all my friends knew each other – everyone got along so well and they were keen on every activity we did. I mean everyone knows that one guy who comes along but doesn’t really seem to bother to get involved and everyone thinks he has a bad time, right? He’s just kinda there and nobody knows why. At that party no one was like that. The whole 24 hours we had fun. We went to a thermal spring, did some beauty masks so I would look good for the photo shooting, played games and went to a karaoke bar. Every single one of my friends sang. It was awesome. Having them over, chatting, laughing, just being with them all… I loved that day.

The next few days were sprinkled with adventures. Just small things like the photo shooting, a dinner and crime party, a personal scavenger hunt, going to an amusement arcade and a casino, a Segway drive… We also wanted to fly a kite since I can’t really remember doing it before but it for once it wasn’t nearly windy enough. We had a family party too since I wasn’t home for my real birthday, because on Friday we took off to Paris. I didn’t know where we’d go until I took off my blindfold right at the airport. To be honest I didn’t even expect we’d fly anywhere – I thought we’d be leaving by train. But no. There my best friend was, buying flights for the both of us, booked a hotel room with  a perfect view from the bed straight to the Eiffel Tower only a few hundred metres away. It was like a five minute walk. She thought about everything, bought a guidebook, booked a fancy dinnertable for two at the Ciel de Paris for my birthday evening. The food was great, I got free ice cream and a candle to blow out and the view was breathtaking. It was a wonderful birthday.

On the last day we let some sky lanterns fly in the night sky. It was so beautiful and magical that people actually stopped by to tell us how nice this idea was. By that time we had already seen the arc the triumph, notre dame, versailles, the louvre, the rue de rivoli and champs elysees, the pont alexandre, the bookstore Shakespeare and Company, the conciergerie  montmatre and of course Disneyland. Yes, I was tired ALL the time because there was so little time and so much to see but I loved every second of the trip despite the lack of sleep and exhaustion. The last thing we did was go up the Eiffel Tower. To say goodbye to Paris. I suppose I don’t have to tell you, the view was gorgeous.

Well… that was my birthday. A month has passed since then and iIstill remember it all clearly. The people were so nice, the public transport so very different and irritating, the houses so beautiful and I swear! On every corner we saw a pharmacy. On literally every corner. It was so weird. My feet never hurt so bad in my life, we ate subway almost every single day because of the high dinner prices and we enjoyed it. I learned a few french words, fought an amazing galactic battle in space, got a silhouette from montmatre of me… On my birthday we walked home all the way from Ciel de Paris back to our hotel (which had a rain shower by the way! I love those things!!) and that’s probably one of my favorite memories. Just talking casually, wandering through the streets, always the Eiffel Tower in sight – because obviously it marked our way home. I also got to buy my favorite french sweets. Carambas which are like long caramel candy bars. They taste delicious.

Anyway. I’m so thankful I got to experience all this just because my friends all consider me worth it. They consider me being with them enough, a good enough friend. Probably this is what gives me strengh to get through the last weeks of this year. Not saying there’s gonna come tough times again too. But for now I know my family and friends love me to make all these things for me, they care to see me happy and that’s what I’m grateful about the most.

For now that’s all I wanted to tell you. I’ll see to writing another update before this year ends. Until then… Take care!

– signed A

Winter is coming. But first there’s autumn

So summer’s over. The time has come to get out my warm clothes again, freeze to death in the morning just to sweat on the train because the heating is too damn warm and I don’t see a point in taking off my coat and scarf and whatever works too keep me warm outside for an half an hour long train ride.

I knew my heart would sink a little seeing the leaves change their colors and fall from the branches… It looks beautiful in a way and I love the rustling when you walk through the fallen leaves but still… to me it feels like the world is dying around me. Like everything so strong and green and beautiful and fresh in spring is giving up to fall asleep and I would like nothing more than to follow. Falling asleep in November, waking up in March again, just in time to see the world around me revive again.

But that’s not exactly what I promised to talk about in my last post. And I know I’m late again. I’m sorry. I just didn’t know what to write. I did see a specialist for depressions and…well, at least she is said to be… I still don’t know what to make of it. It took about two hours and tbh I have no idea what happened. I suppose nothing. She made me go through a couple of tests and we talked but aside from what I told her my worries were… She didn’t even mention the possibility of depression once. She didn’t ask me about my symptoms, how I feel, just the typical questions you think she MUST be asking because clearly you can’t diagnose something you don’t even talk about. Right? I’m still confused and scared. Honestly. She told me she’d send her diagnose to my doctor but I haven’t manned up enough yet to call.

So yeah, I’m just wasting my time working my new job – which I find quite nice by the way – getting home, watching a series after the other and feeling relieved when I look at a watch and realize it’s already too late to call the doctor to ask about an appointment. I probably need one anyway since winter is coming. GOT anyone????

I’m trying to think of anything else to talk about. And I know there HAS to be lots left but really… I’m at a loss for words right now. I hope I’ll feel a little better in two weeks since I’m gonna be on holidays with said friend I talked about in my early entries. Things…kinda worked out for us. There’s still a huge question mark between us – at least there is for me – but right now it’s fine. She’s planning two weeks of surprise-birthday mini adventures (cause in November I’ll be a quarter of a century old)  including a photo shooting, a party with friends, a scavenger hunt and even a 5 day trip to another city and she’s making it all herself. She’s working hard on it, doing it all just to make me happy, wanting absolutely nothing in return, despite me asking once in a while. She’s a good friend despite all that happened. She really does want me to be happy. And it’s kinda sad that she’s working harder on that than me myself but…oh well. I’m trying, I suppose.

I’m gonna have a LOT to write about that when I get back from the trip. And hopefully I’ll have my appointment too, right? ^^” I promise I’ll give it my best shot. The autumn, the winter, the call, myself… I’ll be okay.

So, I did not forget about you. But a stressed out A doesn’t write good posts apparently. A stressed out a needs chocolate and tea and stories to keep herself from losing her mind.

I’ll update again soon – this time I’ll DO IT. Hey! Really! I’ll have news! =D

Until then, take care and have a few good days.

-signed A

Of masks and wigs

Hey guys.

Just had a fallout with my best friend again. I can’t really talk that long because it’s late already but I couldn’t be more pissed and sad. My last night off before starting work again next week and I had to write texts for three hours literally yelling at my phone and getting really frustrated again… I thought I had learned to live with some stuff but apparently…

God, right now I feel so broken and I hate that. I don’t want to use my mental health as an excuse for everything but fact is, that it – duh – is the reason for many things that happen… Or why I feel a certain way, why I feel uncomfortable with stuff, why I care about things others wouldn’t even give a crap about. I can’t change that. It’s omnipresent and when I really think about it, I hardly use it as an excuse. I don’t even want to talk about it or mention it if I somehow can work around it. But it is there. It’s just that nobody really understands… And trying to make them is a pain in the a**…

Okay, whatever. Well, we are back to…wherever we’ve been before. Back to square one? Almost. I just don’t have the energy to pull through this. I thought about writing her a letter and putting all my frustration in – in a nice way of course, if there even is one. And then I hopefully can be done with it forever.

You see, I know it’s complicated liking someone who’s mental health has a mind of it’s own. And not a good one that is. I know it can be frustrating and weird and scary and awful and rage inducing. But I honestly can say that for whoever has the Mental Health problem: It is far, FAR worse. For every frustation you feel we’ve had twice as much of that crap. Everytime you feel weird about the situation, I guaranteee you we feel soooo much weirder and for that we feel embarrassed and bad for making the situation weird or scary or frustrating or for making you rage. We don’t WANT that. It’s just that if we would be forced to act another way, and hurt ourselves with it… It would end up getting us killed at some point. And no friendship – no matter how uneven it may seem (because sure, the perfectly healthy part will care and do a lot) is worth that. I should NOT be expected to hurt myself so I can please others or be more convenient to be around. There are enough problems as of now and as much as I try not to create anymore… Either let me try work around it so there wont be a problem or accept that I have to do what I have to do so I can feel okay again. So that I don’t feel as crappy anymore.

I know, friends of people with Mental Health problems don’t have it easy but… Think of someone with leukemia. If you’re friends with that person you might not get to spend lots of time together outside. Your friend might have to cancel often on you because she/he feels sick or not good enough. She/he might be down a lot. You have to care for them, bring them stuff, get them presents, a pat on the back, a hug anything to make them feel okay. And if you have to cancel the concert of your favorite band because your friend is not ready to go then of course! You’ll dread it but sure! She/he’s sick. You want to be there for them. You care about them and even if your friendship is a hard, stony one you desperately want to pull through and – in the best cases – won’t expect anything from them in return. Just their time and I smile once in a while.

Maybe you don’t agree with me here (and for some this might seem a little harsh) but for Mental Illness it’s exactly the same for me. Sure, there’s no chemo, no radiation, no nothing. You can’t SEE Mental Illness but it is still THERE. Sure we can walk and talk and smile but our mind might not be as versatile. The things a leukemia patient suffers from bodywise, we have in our brains. And yes. We suffer. You might not be able to see it, we might try to look okay but in the end it all comes down to wearing a mask just like leukemia patients wear a wig.

You would never just ditch your friend because she just had chemo and can’t go to the concert right? You would never yell at her for being sick on your sweater. We can’t get sick on your sweater, we won’t have chemo and be too weak to go outside but holy sh** we have our own fights to fight and it’s never easy. I see it as an huge issue that Mental Illness is still treated differently in society. It is still shushed and gets talked down a lot like it’s nothing because people can’t see it and if a mentally ill person doesn’t WANT you to see it, you probably never will. That doesn’t mean it’s not almost unbearable on some days and not just as deadly as cancer can be. Not that I want to feel the empathy of the entire world. It’s just that a little more understanding wouldn’t hurt. Leukemia or depression. Multiple sklerose or anxiety attacks. We are all still sick. And if you care about sick people you WILL have worries and sorrows. You WILL have a complicated life, time, whatever. You probably WILL have to put more effort in this kind of friendship or love than with one with a healthy person. If it’s the body or the mind that’s giving up… There is no difference. And you shouldn’t make one either.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Still haven’t talked about what actually happened but I really needed to get that off my chest right this second. Or minutes. Or moment. I’ll get back to you all soon and then I honestly feel like I’ve got some explaining to do. Until then…

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A