So I’m back now.
I know I promised to write more frequently on my blog last time I posted and I really wanted to. But then stuff came up. A lot of stuff. To be completely honest I don’t remember anything about my last post, let alone knowing when I actually posted it but I don’t particularly care about it anyway.
There is so much to talk about right now. So, so much.
First things first: I started going to college again beginning of this month and it’s awesome. I do feel like this topic deserves so much more attention so I’ll just make it brief here but let’s just say over the whole summer I’ve been sleepless, anxious and worried about this decision but I couldn’t be happier about how it turned out.
Oh f*** it, I suppose I’ll just see where writing is leading me…
It all started with this huge fallout my former best friend and I had. That was when I really started to wonder about future again, about wanting to go somewhere, to prove to myself I wasn’t stuck and left behind. One year of feeling cast to the side by your best friend apparently leaves you wondering about your worth and progress in life. This time it helped me out more than it hurt me.
Back in November last year I made plans about my future so that – should I hear anything about my former best friend doing something useful – I wouldn’t be left cold and feeling shitty but it wasn’t until I declined a better job at my workplace in January this year when I honestly started getting serious about this. Turning down this job opportunity because of possible further education at a college meant I had to go through with it or otherwise I would have declined for no reason at all and that thought alone made me feel sick to the bone. It also helped that my former best friend, who was offered that same job too, accepted.
I gotta be honest here: The first few weeks I hated myself for it. All the change, the congratulations on the new team members and me not being part of it… It was hard. Seeing it all happen, knowing this could have been my position now. I could have been the one they congratulated. The one to move forward. But only in the short run. Accepting the offering would have been so easy but it had also meant being stuck in this branch forever without any chance of educating myself further in the future. For now I don’t have the burden of paying lots of rent, I don’t have children, no boyfriend who would need my attention… In other words: Going to college right now is more doable than it will ever be again for me. So I told myself to wait, hold out and get serious about my plans.
A few weeks later I had an appointment regarding education counselling. Guys, this worked out so well for me! I can only recommend doing this, if you don’t know where to go yourself. I have to say I was sceptical at first but thought it couldn’t hurt. I expected nothing, yet gained everything. We just chatted a little and after one hour I went outside, packs of information and notes in my hand, sun shining down on my face as if it were happy for me to move on too. I decided on social work and social pedagogy, took a good look at every school out there and had effing trouble to decide which was the right one for me. In the last few weeks before starting it got so bad, I suffered on insomnia. No kidding. I was tired and angry all the time and felt generally overwhelmed by everything but I was determined to go through with all this. At the last second I backed out of one school and gave the other one a second chance. I could not be happier about this decision.
I still can’t exactly put my finger on why school A didn’t feel right to me. All I know is that when I stepped out after the first round of the qualifying exam and a talk with the principal I was unsure whether I wanted to do this at all. I was questioning my whole plan and couldn’t sleep well for 3 days. It was just gut feeling, I suppose. College B though… I decided to enter the qualifying exam there too, just to see how it felt like walking those corridors and to get a feeling about the people who work there. It was the right choice. I instantly felt cozy, opened up far more and, boy, oh boy, I cannot possibly put into words how happy I was, getting that approval letter after the exam!
So far after more than two weeks of college I couldn’t be happier. It’s a small, more private school. I love my classmates, we do have motivated staff and tutors, the rooms are comfortable with a beautiful garden I haven’t even seen before. We have our own kitchen and whenever you stop by the entrance room, you’ll find sweets and nuts in jars waiting around to be eaten by hungry students. They get refilled whenever they’re empty and even the principals seem relaxed and take the time to ask how we really are feeling. It’s amazing. I honestly feel like this has been worth all the uncertainty and even the hurt I endured for the past few months.
The beginning of three years I definitely look forward to. I can already tell it will be hard and wonderful and exciting and challenging all at the same time. This is what I wanted. Moving on, finding my place. In three years I’ll have another degree and what’s far more important to me is that I’ll have an idea of where I will work in the decades to come. This will be worth it. It already is.
There is so much more to talk about but it’s getting late already and I have work tomorrow. It was good writing some of my thoughts down though. I need to get the rest on here too. There are two topics I desperately want to talk about. Hopefully I can remember them when I’ll get back to you guys. And hopefully it won’t be another few weeks or even months until I do. I’ll do my best!
Until then…take good care =)
– signed A
Bottled up tight 