Life as a race

Hey there,

sorry for the long pause. There are so many things that have happened up to this point that I don’t even know what to begin with. First off, I guess, work is fine. It’s really hard getting up early. I tend to let my alarm clock ring ten minutes before I actually have to get up because I need said minutes to persuade myself to do so. Without this time just sitting around in bed feeling miserable in general I’d probably just be late for work all the time or have to run to catch my train. And if there’s one thing I absolutely disgust it’s having to hurry. Especially if days start miserable. And they do start that way. It doesn’t help that it’s still dark most of the days either…

I had to learn a lot for work but it gets better everyday now and time… well, it doesn’t exactly fly by but let’s just say – whenever I look at the clock it shows a different minute or hour and that’s nice. People are kind too so I just need to get the hang of the work flow now. But as I said – it’s getting better. Maybe it will even help with my self-esteem a little, talking to many people and knowing stuff and all that. I certainly hope so.

There has been another incident with my friend too which included me driving to her house like a madman and a few more things but I don’t really wanna get into detail with this. It was ugly. It was ugly enough for me to have a literal breakdown at work the next day – so like the 9th workday – which was very convenient of course but I managed to pull through and get some rest on the weekend. Also my boss was very kind to me that day so I guess that’s another plus for my work, right?

Most of the time, when I’m home I’m either sleeping or dowsing off or watching stuff because I’m always really tired and emotionally strained and exhausted and I hate it. I want to be productive. I don’t want to waste my time like that but I have a feeling that this is not gonna end with me getting used to working on weekdays.

I know I need more sunlight in my life, more people that give me a good vibe without me feeling guilty about it. I need more hope and confidence that future holds great things for me in store. That I can actually be someone – or if not someone for the world then at least the person I want to become. I don’t want to waste my time. The thing with my condition is, that I feel how I’m getting older. Time is running through my hands right now and I don’t have the energy to get a grip on it. I know it’s all my fault. It is my decision to not call anyone and seek help. And I make it everyday. And there is not a day that passes, on which I don’t sincerely think about it.  But somehow I always don’t. Just like I always don’t do anything else that’s productive or would help me reach for my goals in life. I can’t because existing is taking all my energy away so there seems to be nothing left for anything else.

I have so many passions and hobbies but just in theory because that’s what depression does. It brings you to a point where you can only say ‘I used to love to do that!’ instead of ‘Oh, I do it all the time.’ and actually getting better at it. Even when you have the time for it, it just never happens. So all the things I started or started to be kinda good at or have potential are…on hold. I feel like so much has been taken from me… And I would love to say that this makes me sad but in fact, I feel nothing. Hope is lost on me. Also when I go to work. I feel like a robot barely moving, just making the necessary steps to get where I need to function for 3 to 5 hours a day and then go home again. Is this how my life is gonna be for the next two years? I should have done something about this ages ago… And it still is a mystery to me how I can know all this but still not take action. Maybe I’m already in too deep.

At least today I treated myself to a delicious meal and I managed to write 2000 words on a story I want to publish one day. Makes like 10 000 words total…I’ll need far more than that though and there are so many things I want to do and experience. But most of all I don’t want to feel left out or left alone when I hear about someones success or step in the right direction. It hurts whenever I hear something though i might have the exact same chances. It’s just I don’t know how to use them. But that shouldn’t even bother me. Life is not a race. And even if it is – nobody, really nobody walks the same way I do. And I’m certain many would have failed to even get as far as I got for the moment. I’m still fighting my way through. I try not to hurt too much, to get over my exhaustion and one day I really might call someone for help.

i know this has been a very depressing post. I’m sorry guys. I just…don’t feel too well these days. But I’ll make it through. Just as I somehow always do. Until next time…

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A

I call them sad days…

It’s 12:30 pm and guess what… I’m still in bed. I’ve been awake for probably two hours now and my god, I couldn’t get up even if my life depended on it. Which is kinda funny because one of my first thoughts was that stopping to exist would be awesome right now, so it wouldn’t necessarily feel like a bad thing. Buuut I couldn’t do that to my family anyway.

Maybe I’m overthinking too much. Yesterday evening I thought about a lot of things. About starting my new job on january the second and how it’s gonna work out with me being a downer most of the time in winter. As soon as the sun is up and strong I feel energized enough to at least get up and feed myself. But when the only thing greeting me is grey clouds and rain and coldness… Come on, who wouldn’t rather stay in bed? I digress again.

I was also thinking about my sister who married someone in october I can’t quite put my finger on. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for her as long as she’s happy but it’s quite rare that I don’t know what to make of people. He’s a human being with lots and lots of extremes and contradictions and as it turned out my parents think so too. We are sceptical about this guy because he’s not telling us anything about his past which apparently was reaaally rough and his actions just don’t seem to go hand in hand with what he says. But how do you explain that to a newlywed bride, who has a difficult character to begin with? Also my parents paid for half of the wedding (with his parents taking the other half) which means, the couple didn’t have to pay a single cent pretty much and never gave them a big thank you or anything. Just effing flowers. Can you believe that?? It was a costly wedding, they got loads of money but didn’t think they should maybe thank their parents for that? All that seriously bothers me. I know it gives my parents a hard time and I guess I don’t want my family to fall apart at some point. My sister and I for other reasons are on the brink to that anyway. But that’s another story.

And then there’s problem number one. My best friend set things im motion shortly after my birthday and I knew it would be a whole avalanche coming down on me. See, we’ve been having lots of small problems over the past one to two years and they aaall build up and now we had something like a fallout in november and lets just say it’s different now. She claims she wants everything to go back to normal but do I want that? To be honest, right now I don’t feel anything when I think about our time together. I know it was awesome and I couldn’t get enough at that time. Hell, I was halfway moving in with her! But the truth is, I saw it coming. There were so many cracks in our friendship already that this fallout and all the little things and secrets, which had finally been brought to daylight, broke apart what I had desperately tried to hold on to. And now I don’t know what to do. All this deserves an extra chapter and I’ll write about it pretty soon. I just wanted to get something down.

So what to make of this day now? At some point I will have to get up. I’m thinking about calling a doctor again but I don’t know who and there isn’t a good helpline as far as I know. Also I feel embarrassed… I know at the end of the day I will still not have called anyone at all even if I’m sure today help would be a good thing. But I won’t call. I’ll just get myself through the day wondering if it’s just me being lazy or overdramatic and feeling even more embarrassed tomorrow or start all over again. I kinda feel like the guy in Groundhog Day. Except I COULD change something. I just don’t.

Okay, I’m gonna get up now. It took me half an hour to write all this haha. But I feel like it helped. I wish you all a very pleasant day and more energy than I can find for myself right now. I’ll write again soon and then I might go into detail. Until then…

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A