My Birthday week

Hey you guys!

I’ve got news!!! No, not THAT kind of news. But news nonetheless. First off… I couldn’t bring myself to see this doctor again. I just can’t and I feel like I’ve delayed it so much already, that I don’t even care anymore about what the specialist said. To me it doesn’t matter right now because I’m not as stressed out as I have been the last few years this time around. I just need to take care of myself. Because I know how I feel and that something is wrong but also, that I’ll be fine if I just care for myself in the ways I need. Who cares what a doctor is going to say anyway?? (As long as you don’t feel too bad, you don’t. I know you don’t.)

My birthday week(s) were awesome. My best friend gave her all to make these days the most exciting and wonderful I’ve had in a long time. She also took care of a few points on my bucket list I wanted to get rid of before I turned 25 but sadly never got around to. We had a huge party on Saturday from like 10 am to Sunday same time. All my best friends attended – not one of them (!!!) canceled, though one of them studies in another big city and she had to drive for 3 hours to get here. One was sick a little and two of them have a full time job and pets to take care of. I already wrote a post about people and attending parties these days – it was around last years New Years Eve. A desaster. You just can’t take anyones word anymore… But it worked for my birthday. And that was probably the best thing about it all.

Also even though not all my friends knew each other – everyone got along so well and they were keen on every activity we did. I mean everyone knows that one guy who comes along but doesn’t really seem to bother to get involved and everyone thinks he has a bad time, right? He’s just kinda there and nobody knows why. At that party no one was like that. The whole 24 hours we had fun. We went to a thermal spring, did some beauty masks so I would look good for the photo shooting, played games and went to a karaoke bar. Every single one of my friends sang. It was awesome. Having them over, chatting, laughing, just being with them all… I loved that day.

The next few days were sprinkled with adventures. Just small things like the photo shooting, a dinner and crime party, a personal scavenger hunt, going to an amusement arcade and a casino, a Segway drive… We also wanted to fly a kite since I can’t really remember doing it before but it for once it wasn’t nearly windy enough. We had a family party too since I wasn’t home for my real birthday, because on Friday we took off to Paris. I didn’t know where we’d go until I took off my blindfold right at the airport. To be honest I didn’t even expect we’d fly anywhere – I thought we’d be leaving by train. But no. There my best friend was, buying flights for the both of us, booked a hotel room with  a perfect view from the bed straight to the Eiffel Tower only a few hundred metres away. It was like a five minute walk. She thought about everything, bought a guidebook, booked a fancy dinnertable for two at the Ciel de Paris for my birthday evening. The food was great, I got free ice cream and a candle to blow out and the view was breathtaking. It was a wonderful birthday.

On the last day we let some sky lanterns fly in the night sky. It was so beautiful and magical that people actually stopped by to tell us how nice this idea was. By that time we had already seen the arc the triumph, notre dame, versailles, the louvre, the rue de rivoli and champs elysees, the pont alexandre, the bookstore Shakespeare and Company, the conciergerie  montmatre and of course Disneyland. Yes, I was tired ALL the time because there was so little time and so much to see but I loved every second of the trip despite the lack of sleep and exhaustion. The last thing we did was go up the Eiffel Tower. To say goodbye to Paris. I suppose I don’t have to tell you, the view was gorgeous.

Well… that was my birthday. A month has passed since then and iIstill remember it all clearly. The people were so nice, the public transport so very different and irritating, the houses so beautiful and I swear! On every corner we saw a pharmacy. On literally every corner. It was so weird. My feet never hurt so bad in my life, we ate subway almost every single day because of the high dinner prices and we enjoyed it. I learned a few french words, fought an amazing galactic battle in space, got a silhouette from montmatre of me… On my birthday we walked home all the way from Ciel de Paris back to our hotel (which had a rain shower by the way! I love those things!!) and that’s probably one of my favorite memories. Just talking casually, wandering through the streets, always the Eiffel Tower in sight – because obviously it marked our way home. I also got to buy my favorite french sweets. Carambas which are like long caramel candy bars. They taste delicious.

Anyway. I’m so thankful I got to experience all this just because my friends all consider me worth it. They consider me being with them enough, a good enough friend. Probably this is what gives me strengh to get through the last weeks of this year. Not saying there’s gonna come tough times again too. But for now I know my family and friends love me to make all these things for me, they care to see me happy and that’s what I’m grateful about the most.

For now that’s all I wanted to tell you. I’ll see to writing another update before this year ends. Until then… Take care!

– signed A

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The new years eve desaster

So I’m back. New year was alright. If you don’t consider the fact that I went to a party I wasn’t even sure whether I wanted to attend it and a good friend cancelled on. Later when I was on my way there – still thinking about changing plans – the host (who was my best friend. You know, the one I’m not sure what to do about) told me almost everyone cancelled. Let me explain. She invited at least ten people. Ten. Some weren’t sure about their plans (some might not even be sure about them even after New Year but whatever…) and said they’d tell her later. Some – and I’m talking about a total of seven people – gave their word they’d come. Well guess what? They didn’t. We ended up a total of three people with one of them being the host.

THREE. I mean…are you kidding me? Is that socially acceptable? Like, you know… It’s not like they cancelled three days ago or a week before the party. No – most of them cancelled the exact same day the party was hosted. One of them didn’t even write until one hour after the party had started. What the hell?? Do they even know how much effort you put in a party making sure everyone is about to have a good time? My friend had bought food (and I’m talking LOTS of food here!), drinks, she tried to make out a place where we could all watch the fireworks together and even bought some games for us to play and have fun with until it was time to leave. She’d made a real effort here and then everyone cancelled and now she’s sitting on all the stuff she bought because most of it was already in bowls and whatnot or just nothing she could return by any chance. It’s just not fair.

I was really angry with them (even though I only know one person who cancelled and I have to say this one had a really good reason for it). I mean they already accepted the offer. And when you accept an offer you don’t just pull back because it’s more convenient with you five hours later. Seriously. You can’t buy a car, bring it back ten hours later just because you found a better one or it just so happens that you kinda don’t want a new car anymore. It just doesn’t work that way. Also the people who said they weren’t sure if they wanted to come. When are you gonna tell me?? Three hours before the party starts? Should I buy you food and get an extra chair or anything?? What’s the problem these days with just saying yes or no to something and then having either an effing good reason to chance plans or attending no matter what. “I kinda don’t feel motivated even though you care and I already said yes” isn’t gonna cut it! Saying nothing at all when you said you’d think about it and tell later isn’t gonna cut it either! It’s not only impolite, it hurts. Somehow you start to think you’re not good enough or liked enough. Like nobody cares even though you do. And that’s a horrible feeling. I know!

But these days it really seems to become a big problem… When older people tell me they made plans, somehow it always works out so that everyone comes and this reaches back to when they were as young as I am now. Today you can’t even make a chilled homeparty because you never know how many people will come even if they already promised to. It makes me sad… It made me sad on New Years Eve too. But mostly I was angry.

And yeah.. I know I was thinking about cancelling too… Before you ask – yes, I do feel bad for that and I’m not gonna pull myself out of this one with a simple “but I have a sick mind. I can do that.” or “but our relationship is really difficult right now.” Yeah it is. But consider that before you say yes. There was just one point where I told her I might not be able to come and that was because I was sick one day before the party and as you know I had to start work two days later. Cancelling would have been legit. Although somehow I knew I wouldn’t really do that. I was playing with the thought but what drove me out of my house was exactly the point I’m trying to make here. Don’t just cancel plans with friends. It might just seem like a homeparty with many people where you don’t matter. But most likely you matter to the host and planning a party and nobody actually attending it is really harsh on everyone. Also not feeling important enough to get an answer, an apology or having to wait for a direct answer until the party actually starts. I don’t know why so many people do it. I know why I feel like doing it sometimes and I feel bad every single time. But in the end being vague makes everything complicated and certainly doesn’t maintain trust.

So next time you’re invited to something…think about it first and then make sure to either go, say no as soon as possible (which is also no problem if told soon enough!) or try to make it up to them somehow. but please don’t think nobody cares and nobody gets hurt. That’s just bull**** and making it easy on yourself. It’s something I have to consider too… I just realized that day that I’m far from perfect.

Everything else – jobwise and what really happened after the fireworks…that’s a completely different story. I promise I’ll update soon, I just had to get that out of here. So until then…

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A