This is not a happy post

So I’m really sorry about you having to read something depressing again but I feel the need to express myself right now and the sole purpose for this blog initially was, well, to be able to express myself.

I’m just gonna say it: I had a breakdown. A real one with every nonexistent emotion you could possibly have. Like…the nonexistent self hatred.¬†Nonexistent frustration, nonexistent sadness, disorientation, weirdness, confusion, desperation, anger… And over all of course the nonexistent madness that comes with it all. I was crying so hard, I couldn’t stop the tears while wondering why the only thing I REALLY felt was emptiness. It was more like…thoughts I had that should have triggered all these emotions but didn’t or at least triggered them in such a soft fashion that they might have never existed at all. And my body just reacted to it with tears and swollen eyes because apparently that’s what it remembers happening years and years ago in what feels like another life. Back then when I still COULD feel sadness and anger and confusion. When emotions were real. Even to me they felt real.

So yeah…now? Not so much anymore. I don’t feel. I know what I should feel when I think about certain stuff but it just…mostly doesn’t happen. Right now while writing this I actually yearn for something to make me feel alive again but everything seems so exhausting and there is nothing I really WANT. Of course not. How can you want something if you don’t feel? Nothing makes you happy, there’s nothing you really care about, nothing makes you feel cosy or content or really proud… You don’t have plans for things because making plans and seeing them through needs commitment and you don’t have that when you don’t care.¬† The only thing you think about is ‘how much time is it gonna take?’ because really…you don’t have enough time for merely existing and that either gets in the way of your social life because you start avoiding people, or said social life exhausts you so much you don’t exactly know what to do with yourself anymore after a substantial amout of time.

And that – everyone – is the reason for my breakdown today. Well, at least some of it. I won’t tell you what triggered it. I won’t tell you what kind of thoughts I had. Let me just tell you – it was a really serious, dark place. What’s funny is – this just came to my mind right now – that people who asked me if I was feeling well, or how life was going actually never got an honest answer for quite a while now. I’m not quite sure if in my mind I was subconsciously waiting for the next throwback or if it was just me not realizing that I already was in a weird two steps forward, one step back-position and telling them nothing in particular felt better than saying something like ‘Oh yeah, I can’t complain because frankly me and my brain don’t feel enough emotions to actually care.’ Although I honestly wonder how people would react to this. I might just try this someday…

Anyway…the best way to explain is probably this: Imagine a soft rubber substance. You kinda can see through but whenever you try to cut it it just falls back in place leaving no space for you to get to the insides. And now imagine all your thoughts, nerves, feelings, emotions…EVERYTHING to be these exact insides. You know it’s all there, you just can’t get to it and to be honest…even that doesn’t make you feel sad. Only confused. Or well…you know you should feel confused. But if you think about it a little harder, go a little deeper you realize that in the end, you don’t really care about that either.

Life in plastic. Not so fantastic. Yeah…a plastic life. Not real. Intangible. Useless. I was thinking hard before I started writing this post, trying to remember the last time I really WANTED something. Like…not the little things. I know for example this saturday I craved this chocolate milk I had seen earlier while buying groceries. And I also remember disappointment stirring in me when I couldn’t find it in the super market anymore. But that’s not what I mean. I mean big things. Things to DO. Things that take something in order to give something cooler back. Like creating a memory. Being creative. Meeting up… There are a few occaions when I think ‘well, I could do this. There’s a little part of me that would like to do this exact stuff now’ or ‘hey, let’s be sociable – you have so much spare time to spend.’ but nope. Most of the time I don’t do it and when I do I don’t look forward to it. It’s just so exhausting. Do I enjoy myself in those moments, like, when they are actually here? It depends. I can’t tell you though, that thinking back I remember joy or satisfaction. I try to grab the feeling through the rubber substance and break through the plastic life I live in but there’s still a difference between TELLING yourself to feel something and actually feeling it without having to grasp for it in the first place.

Maybe I give up too early? Maybe this is all my fault? Maybe I deserve all the bad feelings I feel like I should have and all the allegations are justified. You see…I’m confused and insecure. My ill mind hit me hard today. Came in like a wrecking ball and I didn’t even see it coming.

Wow – three references to songs and movies tied in a really serious post…. At least I haven’t lost my humor. Or maybe this is the madness showing, I wanted to talk about earlier. Tears kept coming but soon after I laughed like I had just heard the funniest joke there is to be heard. I still don’t know why I laughed. The situation certainly wasn’t funny but I guess you take what you can get, right? Maybe at that point my body realized it’s mistake and wanted to make up for it with laughter. Be it as it may… Now an hour after the start of a really hard time I feel better now. Still empty and weird but better. Anyway…I wish you guys the very best of luck and a good time and FEELINGS as many as you can take! I promise you – you will miss then when they’re gone. (4rth reference I suppose… Nobody can tell me I wasn’t creative with this at least.)

Okay, enough joking around. I’ll keep you updated. Until then…take good care!

-signed A

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the time of my life

Hi,

man, keeping up with this blog is hard. I can’t believe my last entry was written over a month ago but I guess I have been busy with enjoying the sun or keeping my emotions and foul thoughts in check. As you can probably guess, I still have not contacted anyone. Spring is making things easier for me even though it’s still a struggle getting myself out of bed in the morning, to work and then being productive over the rest of the day. Or at least productive for some time of the day… But yeah, work is okay. I finally feel competent and theres only few customers I don’t get along with – which tbh is not my fault. Most of them call to get their anger out of them and I’m just the poor worker receiving their calls. But that’s things I’m just brushing off. Other than that it’s fine.

Something else happened though. On March the 17th my grandad died. I was at work when I received a message from my dad who was at the hospital with him. I can’t exactly describe how I felt but if I had to I would say I felt detached from my own body in some weird, twisted way. Like a plastic doll, just breathing and moving, but not actually feeling anything. I saw the message on my phone and didn’t dare touch it for the next three hours because I didn’t want the message to pop up again. As long as it wasn’t open it was not true. But eventually I had to face it. After a ten minutepause I went back to work like nothing happened. And there was nothing I could do. He was already gone and my life would continue and to be honest I felt really bad for not wanting my life. For thinking about stopping to exist so often that it’s hard to get anything done at all. My grandad had just stopped existing and everybody already missed him. He had a good life, had a clear mind until his death and even went shopping and got coupons just a day before he got to the hospital. He deserved to stop existing as soon as he wanted it just as much as he deserved to live for as long as he wanted. And there I am with mere 24 years and counting but not wanting to count anymore. What’s wrong with me? Something HAS to be wrong.

I’m doing fine for the moment. The way my dad talked about what happened in the hospital, I have a feeling like my grandad was okay with leaving. So though I’m sad, I’m fine knowing this. It makes me feel better, comforts me… And it also makes me see that I cannot, will not give up on life. Not that I really planned on stopping but it’s good to get a little push once in a while. 24 years and counting. I have to keep going just to see where life takes me. Because I should want to live and enjoy life. Because I love sunshine and the energetic feeling I have when I step outside of my workplace after my shift is over. Because of good books, tea, fandoms and movies, finding new friends, karaoke, chocolate milk and most of all because of my family. Moaning someone you love takes so much time and energy even when we already knew it was about time to say goodbye. I can’t imagine my family having to say goodbye to me. I will not let that happen. They mean too much to me for that.

So that’s it for now. Enjoy life while you can. You never know when it will be over.

Until next time, take care…

– signed A