It’s 12:30 pm and guess what… I’m still in bed. I’ve been awake for probably two hours now and my god, I couldn’t get up even if my life depended on it. Which is kinda funny because one of my first thoughts was that stopping to exist would be awesome right now, so it wouldn’t necessarily feel like a bad thing. Buuut I couldn’t do that to my family anyway.
Maybe I’m overthinking too much. Yesterday evening I thought about a lot of things. About starting my new job on january the second and how it’s gonna work out with me being a downer most of the time in winter. As soon as the sun is up and strong I feel energized enough to at least get up and feed myself. But when the only thing greeting me is grey clouds and rain and coldness… Come on, who wouldn’t rather stay in bed? I digress again.
I was also thinking about my sister who married someone in october I can’t quite put my finger on. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for her as long as she’s happy but it’s quite rare that I don’t know what to make of people. He’s a human being with lots and lots of extremes and contradictions and as it turned out my parents think so too. We are sceptical about this guy because he’s not telling us anything about his past which apparently was reaaally rough and his actions just don’t seem to go hand in hand with what he says. But how do you explain that to a newlywed bride, who has a difficult character to begin with? Also my parents paid for half of the wedding (with his parents taking the other half) which means, the couple didn’t have to pay a single cent pretty much and never gave them a big thank you or anything. Just effing flowers. Can you believe that?? It was a costly wedding, they got loads of money but didn’t think they should maybe thank their parents for that? All that seriously bothers me. I know it gives my parents a hard time and I guess I don’t want my family to fall apart at some point. My sister and I for other reasons are on the brink to that anyway. But that’s another story.
And then there’s problem number one. My best friend set things im motion shortly after my birthday and I knew it would be a whole avalanche coming down on me. See, we’ve been having lots of small problems over the past one to two years and they aaall build up and now we had something like a fallout in november and lets just say it’s different now. She claims she wants everything to go back to normal but do I want that? To be honest, right now I don’t feel anything when I think about our time together. I know it was awesome and I couldn’t get enough at that time. Hell, I was halfway moving in with her! But the truth is, I saw it coming. There were so many cracks in our friendship already that this fallout and all the little things and secrets, which had finally been brought to daylight, broke apart what I had desperately tried to hold on to. And now I don’t know what to do. All this deserves an extra chapter and I’ll write about it pretty soon. I just wanted to get something down.
So what to make of this day now? At some point I will have to get up. I’m thinking about calling a doctor again but I don’t know who and there isn’t a good helpline as far as I know. Also I feel embarrassed… I know at the end of the day I will still not have called anyone at all even if I’m sure today help would be a good thing. But I won’t call. I’ll just get myself through the day wondering if it’s just me being lazy or overdramatic and feeling even more embarrassed tomorrow or start all over again. I kinda feel like the guy in Groundhog Day. Except I COULD change something. I just don’t.
Okay, I’m gonna get up now. It took me half an hour to write all this haha. But I feel like it helped. I wish you all a very pleasant day and more energy than I can find for myself right now. I’ll write again soon and then I might go into detail. Until then…
Have a good day and take care.
– signed A
today – and with that I actually mean the 15th – was a good day. Hooray! =D As always on good days I felt ridiculous for feeling bad yesterday. God, this is probably one of the most annoying things… Like I’m not ashamed enough already most of the time. But whatever.
I managed to be productive for a few hours and I have got to say: I kinda like the outcome. You see – one of the most important things that got me through life up to this point is music. I listen to music when I need to face the ouside world – it gives me strengh, makes me feel more secure and builds an invisible wall that nobody can seem to get through so I’ll be save from all the bull**it potentially going on around me. Some songs get to me like nothing else in the world. They give me the feeling that there is in fact at least somebody who understands me. Or they let me drift into other universes because I’m really into stories because they make me feel alive. They push feelings out of me I never even knew existed. But I digress…
It’s not hard to guess that somebody who loves music but doesn’t feel capable of consequently leaning how to play an instrument without sucking at it (I kinda can play the guitar but it depends on the song whether I suck at it or not) mostly sticks to her voice. Means: I’ve been singing since I first watched Disney Movies. I learned the lyrics faster than light and sang along and if I had no idea what they were actually saying? Who cares?! Just make up some gibberish that sounds almost the same. That’s the good thing. As a child you do not care. You just do it. I miss that. I have so many happy memories of singing to old movies… my parents must have hated it at some point… But yeah. That’s when I started – haven’t stopped since. My voice surely isn’t the best. It’s quite unique too I’d say which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Here and there I get some good stuff out of me.
So I recorded some songs I like – just along to karaoke version because as I claimed earlier I’m not that good at playing instruments – and thanks to my education I was able to edit it. Not that much. Just give my voice more power, noise reduction…the easy stuff. No autotune included – I promise! I find it almost sad though, that I was surpised about the outcome. I was suprised that I actually liked it. That’s about how I see myself. Failing at every corner but then again put some effort into it and you may – just may – see something good in it too.
I still haven’t called a doctor yet. Nor have I made any other important phone calls that I should probably maybe quite possibly make. I know my heart will start to race and I’ll have sweaty hands and think about what I said and whether I could have said other or even better things when I will get to it though. That kinda makes me not wanna call anyone. But I’ll have to do it at some point. Just not today. Today I was productive enough. Gonna lie down and watch some documentaries now I think. I deserve that =)
Until next time… have a good day and take care
– signed A
This is the post excerpt.
It all started almost three weeks ago when I was actually pretty happy about how things turned out. Sure there were some problems but nothing that you couldn’t surpress thinking about. But then something happened and chaos started all over. I think I’ve been suffering from depression since I was forteen years old and surely sometimes in the last ten years I had a feeling of not being able to continue. I did anyway.
See, the thing with depression is – as I’ve been reading on one of my favorite blogs on the interenet – you don’t necessarily want to kill yourself. You just want to be left alone, for time and the world and everyone else to forget about you so that you can kinda just…stay where you are not doing anything. So you’ll be able to fade away. Stop existing.
I’ve been at this point more times in my life than I can count and I guarantee you: I can count pretty high. It tires me and wears me out. Today is one of these days – hence the blog. I never went to see a doctor to get my depression confirmed so there might be a slim chance I’m just a drama queen who is sleepy all the time, has super low self esteem, feels the need to cry every so often without good reason and makes a big fuss out of everything while being extremely lazy and not feeling real happiness like…ever. Would be a lot of coincidences, am I right?
This time though, I’m really considering seeing someone. A diagnose should help me focus on finally getting better and most of all being okay with not feeling okay or productive for a period of time. I want to know it’s not my fault. I want to be proud of what I accomplished regardless of being mentally ill. I want to be able to say: I’ve made it this far and look where I am now.
What bothers me the most though is how people treat you differently knowing that something’s wrong with you. Not everytime when I want to be alone, I want to hurt myself – I actually haven’t done that in years. And I mean like…9 or so. Most of the time I feel more comfortable being on my own and need to calm down, think, order my thoughts and push myself to get some strengh. But my sister freaks out everytime… She also doesn’t know how to ‘handle me’ anymore but she feels like she can’t help me (apparently because the only one who can really help me is either myself or a shrink) so she’d rather not try and live life regardless of my needs and feelings. But that’s another topic right there. One that really hurt to be honest. But I’ll get to that sooner or later.
Okay, so this is my first post. I hope to be able to upload every week. Just my thoughts, if i did something important… Just to have something to get back to once in a while. If you experience similar things, feel free to contact. I am sure only somebody who actually lived through mental illnesses understands what it actually feels like. If you want to know who I am, please read About.
Also I kinda like the picture so i might just leave it here.
Have a good day and take care.
– signed A