Karaoke on repeat

Hello there,

surprise, surprise! I’m back. It took me a long while to get back to my blog, mostly because work is exhausting and tbh not much has changed since last time. Next week should be a little warmer than before, the sun’s coming out to play and it’s nice to feel it’s warmth on my skin when I’m on my way to work or home. I’m still struggling with it all though. Mostly – I suppose – because everything else is on hold still. I did not manage to write more, I did not call anyone for help though there was this one day where I was this close to it.

So you see, nothing too exciting going on here. But just in case you have a little time on your hands and don’t know what to do with it… I’ll put something out here for you.

On Wednesday I was out with some friends in a karaoke bar. I think we all get this overwhelming nervousness when we sit in front of that folder with songs listed from A to Z, the possibility to fail miserably somwhere in between those 3 to 4 minutes of space-related fame. I always find myself in doubt whether I even want to put up with my fear and just get a song over with or if I should just keep my head down and forget I’m supposed to be singing in the first place. But the thought clings to me like an itch and I find myself giving in more often than not. Every single song I write down is hard-fought and I struggle to get up and hand in my submission. And then it begins… The waiting. I start to sweat a little, my hands get cold and suddenly having fun is something I have to be reminded of. I keep asking myself why I do this to myself. And when I see that my name and song is next I feel a shiver running down my spine. Every. Time. This time was no different.

The cool thing about karaoke bars is, that once you throw your fears overboard you WILL have fun. Everybody likes music, everyone is here for the very same reason and nobody really judges you – or when they do, they normally do it descretely until – and there will always be- someone comes along who’s worse than you are. And it’s okay. You all just wanna have fun, right? My favorite thing thoug has nothing to do with singing myself. I love the change in a group that I see happening in karaoke bars at almost every table. You get there and the first thing 80% of the people in said group claim they will NOT sing! Never ever! And soon enough you find them sitting with the folders in their laps still claiming ‘it’s a cool song but nobody’s gonna get me to sing’. Until they find this particular song that somehow everybody likes and everybody knows and then their whole determination shifts. Suddenly it’s not ‘forget it! I’m not gonna sing tonight’ but it’s ‘okay, so, if i’m not holding the mic and you’re gonna sing along, then maybe, MAYBE I might just sing that song.’ More often than not these very people WILL hold the mic at the end of the song and sing it with just as much determination as they had claimed not to sing at all this evening just half an hour ago. I love to see that. It’s amazing what music can do to people and I am sure that it’s exactly these guys who have the most fun in these bars – good voice or not.

But back to my story: As I wrote in a post before, I’m a pretty decent singer. Some people might think I’m even more than that but I like to keep it at decent as long as I haven’t put any work in my voice at all. Anyway – the people at the bar liked it and it was good to finally hear something positive from strangers after these cold and grey days. Their heartfelt compliments made me happy and gave me a really good feeling for the rest of the night. I was so thankful. Exactly what I needed. And despite the fact that I KNOW I’ll react exactly the same way next time I’m at a karaoke bar, I need to remember that this is a challenge I can accept and once accomplished – I’m proud of too.

Other than that I’ve been learning Welsh for the past couple of weeks. A few minutes here and there and I have to say, I’m satisfied with myself. I might still lack the vocabs but small talk is something I should be able to have and it wasn’t even hard to do. The small dosis fo a day does it for me. It’s awesome. Oh, in case you’re wondering – my interest in Wales and the welsh language comes from a character of one of my stories. He’s from Wales and it all started with me wondering what his conversations at home would sound like, if he – in fact – had knowledge of the welsh language. It’s sad to see old languages like Welsh dying out so I thought I’d do something good for myself and culture and learn some words which now resulted in me wanting to speak it somewhat fluently. Or at least understand what people are talking about should I ever come visit.

I can’t think of anything else to tell you right now, thoug I dread to post this… I’m sure it’s awfully boring to read. Whatever, at least no whining this time 😉 No explaining either, but considering I’m not giving up yet, there’s plenty of time left. So until next time…

Have a good day and take care. Hwyl!

– signed A

 

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Life as a race

Hey there,

sorry for the long pause. There are so many things that have happened up to this point that I don’t even know what to begin with. First off, I guess, work is fine. It’s really hard getting up early. I tend to let my alarm clock ring ten minutes before I actually have to get up because I need said minutes to persuade myself to do so. Without this time just sitting around in bed feeling miserable in general I’d probably just be late for work all the time or have to run to catch my train. And if there’s one thing I absolutely disgust it’s having to hurry. Especially if days start miserable. And they do start that way. It doesn’t help that it’s still dark most of the days either…

I had to learn a lot for work but it gets better everyday now and time… well, it doesn’t exactly fly by but let’s just say – whenever I look at the clock it shows a different minute or hour and that’s nice. People are kind too so I just need to get the hang of the work flow now. But as I said – it’s getting better. Maybe it will even help with my self-esteem a little, talking to many people and knowing stuff and all that. I certainly hope so.

There has been another incident with my friend too which included me driving to her house like a madman and a few more things but I don’t really wanna get into detail with this. It was ugly. It was ugly enough for me to have a literal breakdown at work the next day – so like the 9th workday – which was very convenient of course but I managed to pull through and get some rest on the weekend. Also my boss was very kind to me that day so I guess that’s another plus for my work, right?

Most of the time, when I’m home I’m either sleeping or dowsing off or watching stuff because I’m always really tired and emotionally strained and exhausted and I hate it. I want to be productive. I don’t want to waste my time like that but I have a feeling that this is not gonna end with me getting used to working on weekdays.

I know I need more sunlight in my life, more people that give me a good vibe without me feeling guilty about it. I need more hope and confidence that future holds great things for me in store. That I can actually be someone – or if not someone for the world then at least the person I want to become. I don’t want to waste my time. The thing with my condition is, that I feel how I’m getting older. Time is running through my hands right now and I don’t have the energy to get a grip on it. I know it’s all my fault. It is my decision to not call anyone and seek help. And I make it everyday. And there is not a day that passes, on which I don’t sincerely think about it.  But somehow I always don’t. Just like I always don’t do anything else that’s productive or would help me reach for my goals in life. I can’t because existing is taking all my energy away so there seems to be nothing left for anything else.

I have so many passions and hobbies but just in theory because that’s what depression does. It brings you to a point where you can only say ‘I used to love to do that!’ instead of ‘Oh, I do it all the time.’ and actually getting better at it. Even when you have the time for it, it just never happens. So all the things I started or started to be kinda good at or have potential are…on hold. I feel like so much has been taken from me… And I would love to say that this makes me sad but in fact, I feel nothing. Hope is lost on me. Also when I go to work. I feel like a robot barely moving, just making the necessary steps to get where I need to function for 3 to 5 hours a day and then go home again. Is this how my life is gonna be for the next two years? I should have done something about this ages ago… And it still is a mystery to me how I can know all this but still not take action. Maybe I’m already in too deep.

At least today I treated myself to a delicious meal and I managed to write 2000 words on a story I want to publish one day. Makes like 10 000 words total…I’ll need far more than that though and there are so many things I want to do and experience. But most of all I don’t want to feel left out or left alone when I hear about someones success or step in the right direction. It hurts whenever I hear something though i might have the exact same chances. It’s just I don’t know how to use them. But that shouldn’t even bother me. Life is not a race. And even if it is – nobody, really nobody walks the same way I do. And I’m certain many would have failed to even get as far as I got for the moment. I’m still fighting my way through. I try not to hurt too much, to get over my exhaustion and one day I really might call someone for help.

i know this has been a very depressing post. I’m sorry guys. I just…don’t feel too well these days. But I’ll make it through. Just as I somehow always do. Until next time…

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A

Of masks and wigs

Hey guys.

Just had a fallout with my best friend again. I can’t really talk that long because it’s late already but I couldn’t be more pissed and sad. My last night off before starting work again next week and I had to write texts for three hours literally yelling at my phone and getting really frustrated again… I thought I had learned to live with some stuff but apparently…

God, right now I feel so broken and I hate that. I don’t want to use my mental health as an excuse for everything but fact is, that it – duh – is the reason for many things that happen… Or why I feel a certain way, why I feel uncomfortable with stuff, why I care about things others wouldn’t even give a crap about. I can’t change that. It’s omnipresent and when I really think about it, I hardly use it as an excuse. I don’t even want to talk about it or mention it if I somehow can work around it. But it is there. It’s just that nobody really understands… And trying to make them is a pain in the a**…

Okay, whatever. Well, we are back to…wherever we’ve been before. Back to square one? Almost. I just don’t have the energy to pull through this. I thought about writing her a letter and putting all my frustration in – in a nice way of course, if there even is one. And then I hopefully can be done with it forever.

You see, I know it’s complicated liking someone who’s mental health has a mind of it’s own. And not a good one that is. I know it can be frustrating and weird and scary and awful and rage inducing. But I honestly can say that for whoever has the Mental Health problem: It is far, FAR worse. For every frustation you feel we’ve had twice as much of that crap. Everytime you feel weird about the situation, I guaranteee you we feel soooo much weirder and for that we feel embarrassed and bad for making the situation weird or scary or frustrating or for making you rage. We don’t WANT that. It’s just that if we would be forced to act another way, and hurt ourselves with it… It would end up getting us killed at some point. And no friendship – no matter how uneven it may seem (because sure, the perfectly healthy part will care and do a lot) is worth that. I should NOT be expected to hurt myself so I can please others or be more convenient to be around. There are enough problems as of now and as much as I try not to create anymore… Either let me try work around it so there wont be a problem or accept that I have to do what I have to do so I can feel okay again. So that I don’t feel as crappy anymore.

I know, friends of people with Mental Health problems don’t have it easy but… Think of someone with leukemia. If you’re friends with that person you might not get to spend lots of time together outside. Your friend might have to cancel often on you because she/he feels sick or not good enough. She/he might be down a lot. You have to care for them, bring them stuff, get them presents, a pat on the back, a hug anything to make them feel okay. And if you have to cancel the concert of your favorite band because your friend is not ready to go then of course! You’ll dread it but sure! She/he’s sick. You want to be there for them. You care about them and even if your friendship is a hard, stony one you desperately want to pull through and – in the best cases – won’t expect anything from them in return. Just their time and I smile once in a while.

Maybe you don’t agree with me here (and for some this might seem a little harsh) but for Mental Illness it’s exactly the same for me. Sure, there’s no chemo, no radiation, no nothing. You can’t SEE Mental Illness but it is still THERE. Sure we can walk and talk and smile but our mind might not be as versatile. The things a leukemia patient suffers from bodywise, we have in our brains. And yes. We suffer. You might not be able to see it, we might try to look okay but in the end it all comes down to wearing a mask just like leukemia patients wear a wig.

You would never just ditch your friend because she just had chemo and can’t go to the concert right? You would never yell at her for being sick on your sweater. We can’t get sick on your sweater, we won’t have chemo and be too weak to go outside but holy sh** we have our own fights to fight and it’s never easy. I see it as an huge issue that Mental Illness is still treated differently in society. It is still shushed and gets talked down a lot like it’s nothing because people can’t see it and if a mentally ill person doesn’t WANT you to see it, you probably never will. That doesn’t mean it’s not almost unbearable on some days and not just as deadly as cancer can be. Not that I want to feel the empathy of the entire world. It’s just that a little more understanding wouldn’t hurt. Leukemia or depression. Multiple sklerose or anxiety attacks. We are all still sick. And if you care about sick people you WILL have worries and sorrows. You WILL have a complicated life, time, whatever. You probably WILL have to put more effort in this kind of friendship or love than with one with a healthy person. If it’s the body or the mind that’s giving up… There is no difference. And you shouldn’t make one either.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Still haven’t talked about what actually happened but I really needed to get that off my chest right this second. Or minutes. Or moment. I’ll get back to you all soon and then I honestly feel like I’ve got some explaining to do. Until then…

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A

The new years eve desaster

So I’m back. New year was alright. If you don’t consider the fact that I went to a party I wasn’t even sure whether I wanted to attend it and a good friend cancelled on. Later when I was on my way there – still thinking about changing plans – the host (who was my best friend. You know, the one I’m not sure what to do about) told me almost everyone cancelled. Let me explain. She invited at least ten people. Ten. Some weren’t sure about their plans (some might not even be sure about them even after New Year but whatever…) and said they’d tell her later. Some – and I’m talking about a total of seven people – gave their word they’d come. Well guess what? They didn’t. We ended up a total of three people with one of them being the host.

THREE. I mean…are you kidding me? Is that socially acceptable? Like, you know… It’s not like they cancelled three days ago or a week before the party. No – most of them cancelled the exact same day the party was hosted. One of them didn’t even write until one hour after the party had started. What the hell?? Do they even know how much effort you put in a party making sure everyone is about to have a good time? My friend had bought food (and I’m talking LOTS of food here!), drinks, she tried to make out a place where we could all watch the fireworks together and even bought some games for us to play and have fun with until it was time to leave. She’d made a real effort here and then everyone cancelled and now she’s sitting on all the stuff she bought because most of it was already in bowls and whatnot or just nothing she could return by any chance. It’s just not fair.

I was really angry with them (even though I only know one person who cancelled and I have to say this one had a really good reason for it). I mean they already accepted the offer. And when you accept an offer you don’t just pull back because it’s more convenient with you five hours later. Seriously. You can’t buy a car, bring it back ten hours later just because you found a better one or it just so happens that you kinda don’t want a new car anymore. It just doesn’t work that way. Also the people who said they weren’t sure if they wanted to come. When are you gonna tell me?? Three hours before the party starts? Should I buy you food and get an extra chair or anything?? What’s the problem these days with just saying yes or no to something and then having either an effing good reason to chance plans or attending no matter what. “I kinda don’t feel motivated even though you care and I already said yes” isn’t gonna cut it! Saying nothing at all when you said you’d think about it and tell later isn’t gonna cut it either! It’s not only impolite, it hurts. Somehow you start to think you’re not good enough or liked enough. Like nobody cares even though you do. And that’s a horrible feeling. I know!

But these days it really seems to become a big problem… When older people tell me they made plans, somehow it always works out so that everyone comes and this reaches back to when they were as young as I am now. Today you can’t even make a chilled homeparty because you never know how many people will come even if they already promised to. It makes me sad… It made me sad on New Years Eve too. But mostly I was angry.

And yeah.. I know I was thinking about cancelling too… Before you ask – yes, I do feel bad for that and I’m not gonna pull myself out of this one with a simple “but I have a sick mind. I can do that.” or “but our relationship is really difficult right now.” Yeah it is. But consider that before you say yes. There was just one point where I told her I might not be able to come and that was because I was sick one day before the party and as you know I had to start work two days later. Cancelling would have been legit. Although somehow I knew I wouldn’t really do that. I was playing with the thought but what drove me out of my house was exactly the point I’m trying to make here. Don’t just cancel plans with friends. It might just seem like a homeparty with many people where you don’t matter. But most likely you matter to the host and planning a party and nobody actually attending it is really harsh on everyone. Also not feeling important enough to get an answer, an apology or having to wait for a direct answer until the party actually starts. I don’t know why so many people do it. I know why I feel like doing it sometimes and I feel bad every single time. But in the end being vague makes everything complicated and certainly doesn’t maintain trust.

So next time you’re invited to something…think about it first and then make sure to either go, say no as soon as possible (which is also no problem if told soon enough!) or try to make it up to them somehow. but please don’t think nobody cares and nobody gets hurt. That’s just bull**** and making it easy on yourself. It’s something I have to consider too… I just realized that day that I’m far from perfect.

Everything else – jobwise and what really happened after the fireworks…that’s a completely different story. I promise I’ll update soon, I just had to get that out of here. So until then…

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A

I call them sad days…

It’s 12:30 pm and guess what… I’m still in bed. I’ve been awake for probably two hours now and my god, I couldn’t get up even if my life depended on it. Which is kinda funny because one of my first thoughts was that stopping to exist would be awesome right now, so it wouldn’t necessarily feel like a bad thing. Buuut I couldn’t do that to my family anyway.

Maybe I’m overthinking too much. Yesterday evening I thought about a lot of things. About starting my new job on january the second and how it’s gonna work out with me being a downer most of the time in winter. As soon as the sun is up and strong I feel energized enough to at least get up and feed myself. But when the only thing greeting me is grey clouds and rain and coldness… Come on, who wouldn’t rather stay in bed? I digress again.

I was also thinking about my sister who married someone in october I can’t quite put my finger on. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for her as long as she’s happy but it’s quite rare that I don’t know what to make of people. He’s a human being with lots and lots of extremes and contradictions and as it turned out my parents think so too. We are sceptical about this guy because he’s not telling us anything about his past which apparently was reaaally rough and his actions just don’t seem to go hand in hand with what he says. But how do you explain that to a newlywed bride, who has a difficult character to begin with? Also my parents paid for half of the wedding (with his parents taking the other half) which means, the couple didn’t have to pay a single cent pretty much and never gave them a big thank you or anything. Just effing flowers. Can you believe that?? It was a costly wedding, they got loads of money but didn’t think they should maybe thank their parents for that? All that seriously bothers me. I know it gives my parents a hard time and I guess I don’t want my family to fall apart at some point. My sister and I for other reasons are on the brink to that anyway. But that’s another story.

And then there’s problem number one. My best friend set things im motion shortly after my birthday and I knew it would be a whole avalanche coming down on me. See, we’ve been having lots of small problems over the past one to two years and they aaall build up and now we had something like a fallout in november and lets just say it’s different now. She claims she wants everything to go back to normal but do I want that? To be honest, right now I don’t feel anything when I think about our time together. I know it was awesome and I couldn’t get enough at that time. Hell, I was halfway moving in with her! But the truth is, I saw it coming. There were so many cracks in our friendship already that this fallout and all the little things and secrets, which had finally been brought to daylight, broke apart what I had desperately tried to hold on to. And now I don’t know what to do. All this deserves an extra chapter and I’ll write about it pretty soon. I just wanted to get something down.

So what to make of this day now? At some point I will have to get up. I’m thinking about calling a doctor again but I don’t know who and there isn’t a good helpline as far as I know. Also I feel embarrassed… I know at the end of the day I will still not have called anyone at all even if I’m sure today help would be a good thing. But I won’t call. I’ll just get myself through the day wondering if it’s just me being lazy or overdramatic and feeling even more embarrassed tomorrow or start all over again. I kinda feel like the guy in Groundhog Day. Except I COULD change something. I just don’t.

Okay, I’m gonna get up now. It took me half an hour to write all this haha. But I feel like it helped. I wish you all a very pleasant day and more energy than I can find for myself right now. I’ll write again soon and then I might go into detail. Until then…

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A

Just a quick update. And music.

Hey there,

today – and with that I actually mean the 15th – was a good day. Hooray! =D As always on good days I felt ridiculous for feeling bad yesterday. God, this is probably one of the most annoying things… Like I’m not ashamed enough already most of the time. But whatever.

I managed to be productive for a few hours and I have got to say: I kinda like the outcome. You see – one of the most important things that got me through life up to this point is music. I listen to music when I need to face the ouside world – it gives me strengh, makes me feel more secure and builds an invisible wall that nobody can seem to get through so I’ll be save from all the bull**it potentially going on around me. Some songs get to me like nothing else in the world. They give me the feeling that there is in fact at least somebody who understands me. Or they let me drift into other universes because I’m really into stories because they make me feel alive. They push feelings out of me I never even knew existed. But I digress…

It’s not hard to guess that somebody who loves music but doesn’t feel capable of consequently leaning how to play an instrument without sucking at it (I kinda can play the guitar but it depends on the song whether I suck at it or not) mostly sticks to her voice. Means: I’ve been singing since I first watched Disney Movies. I learned the lyrics faster than light and sang along and if I had no idea what they were actually saying? Who cares?! Just make up some gibberish that sounds almost the same. That’s the good thing. As a child you do not care. You just do it. I miss that. I have so many happy memories of singing to old movies… my parents must have hated it at some point… But yeah. That’s when I started – haven’t stopped since. My voice surely isn’t the best. It’s quite unique too I’d say which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Here and there I get some good stuff out of me.

So I recorded some songs I like – just along to karaoke version because as I claimed earlier I’m not that good at playing instruments – and thanks to my education I was able to edit it. Not that much. Just give my voice more power, noise reduction…the easy stuff. No autotune included – I promise! I find it almost sad though, that I was surpised about the outcome. I was suprised that I actually liked it. That’s about how I see myself. Failing at every corner but then again put some effort into it and you may – just may – see something good in it too.

I still haven’t called a doctor yet. Nor have I made any other important phone calls that I should probably maybe quite possibly make. I know my heart will start to race and I’ll have sweaty hands and think about what I said and whether I could have said other or even better things when I will get to it though. That kinda makes me not wanna call anyone. But I’ll have to do it at some point. Just not today. Today I was productive enough. Gonna lie down and watch some documentaries now I think. I deserve that =)

Until next time… have a good day and take care

– signed A

Rambling on…

This is the post excerpt.

Hi.

It all started almost three weeks ago when I was actually pretty happy about how things turned out. Sure there were some problems but nothing that you couldn’t surpress thinking about. But then something happened and chaos started all over. I think I’ve been suffering from depression since I was forteen years old and surely sometimes in the last ten years I had a feeling of not being able to continue. I did anyway.

See, the thing with depression is – as I’ve been reading on one of my favorite blogs on the interenet – you don’t necessarily want to kill yourself. You just want to be left alone, for time and the world and everyone else to forget about you so that you can kinda just…stay where you are not doing anything. So you’ll be able to fade away. Stop existing.

I’ve been at this point more times in my life than I can count and I guarantee you: I can count pretty high. It tires me and wears me out. Today is one of these days – hence the blog. I never went to see a doctor to get my depression confirmed so there might be a slim chance I’m just a drama queen who is sleepy all the time, has super low self esteem, feels the need to cry every so often without good reason and makes a big fuss out of everything while being extremely lazy and not feeling real happiness like…ever. Would be a lot of coincidences, am I right?

This time though, I’m really considering seeing someone. A diagnose should help me focus on finally getting better and most of all  being okay with not feeling okay or productive for a period of time. I want to know it’s not my fault. I want to be proud of what I accomplished regardless of being mentally ill. I want to be able to say: I’ve made it this far and look where I am now.

What bothers me the most though is how people treat you differently knowing that something’s wrong with you. Not everytime when I want to be alone, I want to hurt myself – I actually haven’t done that in years. And I mean like…9 or so. Most of the time I feel more comfortable being on my own and need to calm down, think, order my thoughts and push myself to get some strengh. But my sister freaks out everytime… She also doesn’t know how to ‘handle me’ anymore but she feels like she can’t help me (apparently because the only one who can really help me is either myself or a shrink) so she’d rather not try and live life regardless of my needs and feelings. But that’s another topic right there. One that really hurt to be honest. But I’ll get to that sooner or later.

Okay, so this is my first post. I hope to be able to upload every week. Just my thoughts, if i did something important… Just to have something to get back to once in a while. If you experience similar things, feel free to contact. I am sure only somebody who actually lived through mental illnesses understands what it actually feels like. If you want to know who I am, please read About.

Also I kinda like the picture so i might just leave it here.

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A

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