Of masks and wigs

Hey guys.

Just had a fallout with my best friend again. I can’t really talk that long because it’s late already but I couldn’t be more pissed and sad. My last night off before starting work again next week and I had to write texts for three hours literally yelling at my phone and getting really frustrated again… I thought I had learned to live with some stuff but apparently…

God, right now I feel so broken and I hate that. I don’t want to use my mental health as an excuse for everything but fact is, that it – duh – is the reason for many things that happen… Or why I feel a certain way, why I feel uncomfortable with stuff, why I care about things others wouldn’t even give a crap about. I can’t change that. It’s omnipresent and when I really think about it, I hardly use it as an excuse. I don’t even want to talk about it or mention it if I somehow can work around it. But it is there. It’s just that nobody really understands… And trying to make them is a pain in the a**…

Okay, whatever. Well, we are back to…wherever we’ve been before. Back to square one? Almost. I just don’t have the energy to pull through this. I thought about writing her a letter and putting all my frustration in – in a nice way of course, if there even is one. And then I hopefully can be done with it forever.

You see, I know it’s complicated liking someone who’s mental health has a mind of it’s own. And not a good one that is. I know it can be frustrating and weird and scary and awful and rage inducing. But I honestly can say that for whoever has the Mental Health problem: It is far, FAR worse. For every frustation you feel we’ve had twice as much of that crap. Everytime you feel weird about the situation, I guaranteee you we feel soooo much weirder and for that we feel embarrassed and bad for making the situation weird or scary or frustrating or for making you rage. We don’t WANT that. It’s just that if we would be forced to act another way, and hurt ourselves with it… It would end up getting us killed at some point. And no friendship – no matter how uneven it may seem (because sure, the perfectly healthy part will care and do a lot) is worth that. I should NOT be expected to hurt myself so I can please others or be more convenient to be around. There are enough problems as of now and as much as I try not to create anymore… Either let me try work around it so there wont be a problem or accept that I have to do what I have to do so I can feel okay again. So that I don’t feel as crappy anymore.

I know, friends of people with Mental Health problems don’t have it easy but… Think of someone with leukemia. If you’re friends with that person you might not get to spend lots of time together outside. Your friend might have to cancel often on you because she/he feels sick or not good enough. She/he might be down a lot. You have to care for them, bring them stuff, get them presents, a pat on the back, a hug anything to make them feel okay. And if you have to cancel the concert of your favorite band because your friend is not ready to go then of course! You’ll dread it but sure! She/he’s sick. You want to be there for them. You care about them and even if your friendship is a hard, stony one you desperately want to pull through and – in the best cases – won’t expect anything from them in return. Just their time and I smile once in a while.

Maybe you don’t agree with me here (and for some this might seem a little harsh) but for Mental Illness it’s exactly the same for me. Sure, there’s no chemo, no radiation, no nothing. You can’t SEE Mental Illness but it is still THERE. Sure we can walk and talk and smile but our mind might not be as versatile. The things a leukemia patient suffers from bodywise, we have in our brains. And yes. We suffer. You might not be able to see it, we might try to look okay but in the end it all comes down to wearing a mask just like leukemia patients wear a wig.

You would never just ditch your friend because she just had chemo and can’t go to the concert right? You would never yell at her for being sick on your sweater. We can’t get sick on your sweater, we won’t have chemo and be too weak to go outside but holy sh** we have our own fights to fight and it’s never easy. I see it as an huge issue that Mental Illness is still treated differently in society. It is still shushed and gets talked down a lot like it’s nothing because people can’t see it and if a mentally ill person doesn’t WANT you to see it, you probably never will. That doesn’t mean it’s not almost unbearable on some days and not just as deadly as cancer can be. Not that I want to feel the empathy of the entire world. It’s just that a little more understanding wouldn’t hurt. Leukemia or depression. Multiple sklerose or anxiety attacks. We are all still sick. And if you care about sick people you WILL have worries and sorrows. You WILL have a complicated life, time, whatever. You probably WILL have to put more effort in this kind of friendship or love than with one with a healthy person. If it’s the body or the mind that’s giving up… There is no difference. And you shouldn’t make one either.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Still haven’t talked about what actually happened but I really needed to get that off my chest right this second. Or minutes. Or moment. I’ll get back to you all soon and then I honestly feel like I’ve got some explaining to do. Until then…

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A

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The new years eve desaster

So I’m back. New year was alright. If you don’t consider the fact that I went to a party I wasn’t even sure whether I wanted to attend it and a good friend cancelled on. Later when I was on my way there – still thinking about changing plans – the host (who was my best friend. You know, the one I’m not sure what to do about) told me almost everyone cancelled. Let me explain. She invited at least ten people. Ten. Some weren’t sure about their plans (some might not even be sure about them even after New Year but whatever…) and said they’d tell her later. Some – and I’m talking about a total of seven people – gave their word they’d come. Well guess what? They didn’t. We ended up a total of three people with one of them being the host.

THREE. I mean…are you kidding me? Is that socially acceptable? Like, you know… It’s not like they cancelled three days ago or a week before the party. No – most of them cancelled the exact same day the party was hosted. One of them didn’t even write until one hour after the party had started. What the hell?? Do they even know how much effort you put in a party making sure everyone is about to have a good time? My friend had bought food (and I’m talking LOTS of food here!), drinks, she tried to make out a place where we could all watch the fireworks together and even bought some games for us to play and have fun with until it was time to leave. She’d made a real effort here and then everyone cancelled and now she’s sitting on all the stuff she bought because most of it was already in bowls and whatnot or just nothing she could return by any chance. It’s just not fair.

I was really angry with them (even though I only know one person who cancelled and I have to say this one had a really good reason for it). I mean they already accepted the offer. And when you accept an offer you don’t just pull back because it’s more convenient with you five hours later. Seriously. You can’t buy a car, bring it back ten hours later just because you found a better one or it just so happens that you kinda don’t want a new car anymore. It just doesn’t work that way. Also the people who said they weren’t sure if they wanted to come. When are you gonna tell me?? Three hours before the party starts? Should I buy you food and get an extra chair or anything?? What’s the problem these days with just saying yes or no to something and then having either an effing good reason to chance plans or attending no matter what. “I kinda don’t feel motivated even though you care and I already said yes” isn’t gonna cut it! Saying nothing at all when you said you’d think about it and tell later isn’t gonna cut it either! It’s not only impolite, it hurts. Somehow you start to think you’re not good enough or liked enough. Like nobody cares even though you do. And that’s a horrible feeling. I know!

But these days it really seems to become a big problem… When older people tell me they made plans, somehow it always works out so that everyone comes and this reaches back to when they were as young as I am now. Today you can’t even make a chilled homeparty because you never know how many people will come even if they already promised to. It makes me sad… It made me sad on New Years Eve too. But mostly I was angry.

And yeah.. I know I was thinking about cancelling too… Before you ask – yes, I do feel bad for that and I’m not gonna pull myself out of this one with a simple “but I have a sick mind. I can do that.” or “but our relationship is really difficult right now.” Yeah it is. But consider that before you say yes. There was just one point where I told her I might not be able to come and that was because I was sick one day before the party and as you know I had to start work two days later. Cancelling would have been legit. Although somehow I knew I wouldn’t really do that. I was playing with the thought but what drove me out of my house was exactly the point I’m trying to make here. Don’t just cancel plans with friends. It might just seem like a homeparty with many people where you don’t matter. But most likely you matter to the host and planning a party and nobody actually attending it is really harsh on everyone. Also not feeling important enough to get an answer, an apology or having to wait for a direct answer until the party actually starts. I don’t know why so many people do it. I know why I feel like doing it sometimes and I feel bad every single time. But in the end being vague makes everything complicated and certainly doesn’t maintain trust.

So next time you’re invited to something…think about it first and then make sure to either go, say no as soon as possible (which is also no problem if told soon enough!) or try to make it up to them somehow. but please don’t think nobody cares and nobody gets hurt. That’s just bull**** and making it easy on yourself. It’s something I have to consider too… I just realized that day that I’m far from perfect.

Everything else – jobwise and what really happened after the fireworks…that’s a completely different story. I promise I’ll update soon, I just had to get that out of here. So until then…

Have a good day and take care.

– signed A