Ignore this post. It’s weird.

So I gotta be honest with you right there. I think being as close to your best friend as I am to mine is breaking someones neck in the long run. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. A week or something to be exact and as hard as I tried to find a good reason to stay as close (despite all the fun we have together) and not seeing all this end poorly hasn’t worked out for me so well.

It all started with little fights again and me not believing some things she tells me or at least me reckoning she sometimes doesn’t tell me the whole story for obvious reasons. It’s just…in the first posts I told you guys about this big fight with her and it still isn’t fully over. At least not for me. I mean yeah, we are having good times but I can’t seem to trust her fully anymore and I definitely don’t feel the need to move in with her any time soon. I think moving together would be the death of our friendship or – if not that – the death of my sanity. Other than that – and as long as we don’t talk about touchy subjects – we’re fine.

There are just some things I can’t stand. I know for a fact that some of those things make me look like a bad friend and are toxic for a relationship, being it a friendship or a real commitment. I’m trying hard to change. So far it’s not working too well. On the other hand…it’s not like it’s all my fault. She has a handful of them too and even though she claims everything is fine…I always find a reason to believe the opposite. Maybe I’m searching for them, maybe though, I am right and not seeing ghosts and everything is gonna start over again. Our friendship feels strange lately and when I told her that she just said I was overreacting and that none of what I said is actually true.

Yeah, I might be seeing ghosts. I might also be seeing the future. You see: When you want to be the most important person in someones life you’re bound to get hurt. It’s just that easy. There’s always gonne be something new and interesting and cooler to explore. And if there isn’t, you’re always gonna wonder when something new, more interesting or cooler might pass you both, leaving your friend to follow and you behind them all alone again. If you worry too much – THAT’s when you start having the time of your life. In a bad way. You start pushing the person away from you because fights are unavoidable if you want to control a persons life, even if it all happens out of fear of loss. You start driving the person away from you and panic when you discover exactly that. More and more fights are the outcome. It’s like a huge spiral of doom with no exit, no way out. Once you’re in there it’s hard to stop. Well, I’m kinda sad to say, that sometimes we are both guilty of that. That’s what makes it so difficult.

Taking a step back on your own sometimes works. That’s what I’m trying to do right now. Stepping back to see, whether the other person follows or not. And if not, well…then at least I am the one who initiated the real change. I’ll stick to myself this weekend, see if any messages will pop up once in a while. So far nothing. Might be, because yesterday felt strange and I said something about enjoying her day leaving me open the possibility whether I’ll write back again or not but in the end I was the one who wrote the last message later that day.

Okay. Reading over all this again makes me feel embarrassed. It seems so childish to me but I can’t help feeling this way…. And you guys probably don’t care about the stupid “who messages first or last” – thoughts and yeah, you are right. It should not matter. And with every other friend – I guarantee you, it doesn’t. I’m just so used to us being close even after what happened in 2016, I know our habits and I tell you: Once it started feeling normal and being important, it will be for a long time until you try hard to change that. I am trying right now. I need to get some distance between us, remind me again, that my life can be beautiful and my spare time can be important without her in it. I never was a dependent person and I don’t plan on start with it now.

I suppose I will see what will happen. Either way, stepping back might be exactly what I need. If she does the same I honestly don’t know where we wil end up or if we’re even gonna end up anywhere at all. But leaving or for that matter the change won’t hurt as much if you choose to do the same. At least you’re in control of your own life and in the end that is all that really matters.

Please don’t judge me for this absolutely childish and weird post. I’m having a weird phase again right now. I’ll talk to you again when I feel a little more sane, haha.

Until then, take good care!

– signed A

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