It’s 12:30 pm and guess what… I’m still in bed. I’ve been awake for probably two hours now and my god, I couldn’t get up even if my life depended on it. Which is kinda funny because one of my first thoughts was that stopping to exist would be awesome right now, so it wouldn’t necessarily feel like a bad thing. Buuut I couldn’t do that to my family anyway.
Maybe I’m overthinking too much. Yesterday evening I thought about a lot of things. About starting my new job on january the second and how it’s gonna work out with me being a downer most of the time in winter. As soon as the sun is up and strong I feel energized enough to at least get up and feed myself. But when the only thing greeting me is grey clouds and rain and coldness… Come on, who wouldn’t rather stay in bed? I digress again.
I was also thinking about my sister who married someone in october I can’t quite put my finger on. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for her as long as she’s happy but it’s quite rare that I don’t know what to make of people. He’s a human being with lots and lots of extremes and contradictions and as it turned out my parents think so too. We are sceptical about this guy because he’s not telling us anything about his past which apparently was reaaally rough and his actions just don’t seem to go hand in hand with what he says. But how do you explain that to a newlywed bride, who has a difficult character to begin with? Also my parents paid for half of the wedding (with his parents taking the other half) which means, the couple didn’t have to pay a single cent pretty much and never gave them a big thank you or anything. Just effing flowers. Can you believe that?? It was a costly wedding, they got loads of money but didn’t think they should maybe thank their parents for that? All that seriously bothers me. I know it gives my parents a hard time and I guess I don’t want my family to fall apart at some point. My sister and I for other reasons are on the brink to that anyway. But that’s another story.
And then there’s problem number one. My best friend set things im motion shortly after my birthday and I knew it would be a whole avalanche coming down on me. See, we’ve been having lots of small problems over the past one to two years and they aaall build up and now we had something like a fallout in november and lets just say it’s different now. She claims she wants everything to go back to normal but do I want that? To be honest, right now I don’t feel anything when I think about our time together. I know it was awesome and I couldn’t get enough at that time. Hell, I was halfway moving in with her! But the truth is, I saw it coming. There were so many cracks in our friendship already that this fallout and all the little things and secrets, which had finally been brought to daylight, broke apart what I had desperately tried to hold on to. And now I don’t know what to do. All this deserves an extra chapter and I’ll write about it pretty soon. I just wanted to get something down.
So what to make of this day now? At some point I will have to get up. I’m thinking about calling a doctor again but I don’t know who and there isn’t a good helpline as far as I know. Also I feel embarrassed… I know at the end of the day I will still not have called anyone at all even if I’m sure today help would be a good thing. But I won’t call. I’ll just get myself through the day wondering if it’s just me being lazy or overdramatic and feeling even more embarrassed tomorrow or start all over again. I kinda feel like the guy in Groundhog Day. Except I COULD change something. I just don’t.
Okay, I’m gonna get up now. It took me half an hour to write all this haha. But I feel like it helped. I wish you all a very pleasant day and more energy than I can find for myself right now. I’ll write again soon and then I might go into detail. Until then…
Have a good day and take care.
– signed A