today – and with that I actually mean the 15th – was a good day. Hooray! =D As always on good days I felt ridiculous for feeling bad yesterday. God, this is probably one of the most annoying things… Like I’m not ashamed enough already most of the time. But whatever.
I managed to be productive for a few hours and I have got to say: I kinda like the outcome. You see – one of the most important things that got me through life up to this point is music. I listen to music when I need to face the ouside world – it gives me strengh, makes me feel more secure and builds an invisible wall that nobody can seem to get through so I’ll be save from all the bull**it potentially going on around me. Some songs get to me like nothing else in the world. They give me the feeling that there is in fact at least somebody who understands me. Or they let me drift into other universes because I’m really into stories because they make me feel alive. They push feelings out of me I never even knew existed. But I digress…
It’s not hard to guess that somebody who loves music but doesn’t feel capable of consequently leaning how to play an instrument without sucking at it (I kinda can play the guitar but it depends on the song whether I suck at it or not) mostly sticks to her voice. Means: I’ve been singing since I first watched Disney Movies. I learned the lyrics faster than light and sang along and if I had no idea what they were actually saying? Who cares?! Just make up some gibberish that sounds almost the same. That’s the good thing. As a child you do not care. You just do it. I miss that. I have so many happy memories of singing to old movies… my parents must have hated it at some point… But yeah. That’s when I started – haven’t stopped since. My voice surely isn’t the best. It’s quite unique too I’d say which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Here and there I get some good stuff out of me.
So I recorded some songs I like – just along to karaoke version because as I claimed earlier I’m not that good at playing instruments – and thanks to my education I was able to edit it. Not that much. Just give my voice more power, noise reduction…the easy stuff. No autotune included – I promise! I find it almost sad though, that I was surpised about the outcome. I was suprised that I actually liked it. That’s about how I see myself. Failing at every corner but then again put some effort into it and you may – just may – see something good in it too.
I still haven’t called a doctor yet. Nor have I made any other important phone calls that I should probably maybe quite possibly make. I know my heart will start to race and I’ll have sweaty hands and think about what I said and whether I could have said other or even better things when I will get to it though. That kinda makes me not wanna call anyone. But I’ll have to do it at some point. Just not today. Today I was productive enough. Gonna lie down and watch some documentaries now I think. I deserve that =)
Until next time… have a good day and take care
– signed A